12/30/2005

Year in Review!

Gah, so you already know that I've been working on this entry for awhile, but I decided to ditch what I had already written and come up with a different version.

2005 didn't seem like it was going to be a great year. Thinking I was in my last semester of school, I was completely unable to think about the future rationally. I was kinda depressed and into the ED, not putting too much effort into stopping it all. I was doing well in my two classes though, and Jen and I were hanging out quite a bit (on campus, anyway), so not everything was bad. And of course Rich was always nearby and I spent quite a bit of time at the apartment.

Because I was so unprepared for life-after-graduation, I wasn't overly upset to find out URI wanted me back for another semester, to take 2 more 300 level classes. Even though *that* didn't get me down, I couldn't get out of my generally depressed state, so back to the counseling center I went. I ended up getting the most awful bitch of a therapist, who made me feel like shit even when I began the session feeling okay. Thanks to her, however, I decided I *had* to take matters into my own hands. I stopped going to see her and started to implement my own plan.

I decided to stop talking about doing things and actually start DOING them. This was when I started running frequently, and practiced playing the bass every day. I learned how to read tarot cards (although that turned out sketchily :p), and I even started doing some smaller things like shopping in stores I would have passed by before or eating foods that I was not so comfortable with. Basically, I stopped listening to my pessimistic mind and started taking chances. My mood and my life started to improve a billionfold. I even managed to go about 5 months purge free during this time, which was pretty amazing.

My first ever trip to NYC happened in April, when Rich and I saw All Shook Up (and I promptly fell in love with it :p) and I completed 3 life goals in one day, hehe. The semester ended and I got A's in my classes, as expected. I decided not to walk at the graduation ceremony, and in fact I drove to some barn to watch a horse show that morning, haha.

Summer started and I continued only working part time at Brooks because I wanted to make sure I had enough free time to retain my newfound sanity. :p I also expected to take a summer class so I'd only have to take one in the fall, but it didn't happen. My first choice was cancelled last minute, and the only other one I was able to get into, I could tell I wasn't a fan of the professor from Day 1, so I dropped it.

Travis and I started talking again during the summer too, which I must say was completely unexpected. I thought it was worth mentioning in here though because we've spent a fair amount of time together since then, and I know the last half of this year would have been very different if we hadn't!

The summer wrapped up with a 2nd (awful) trip to NYC and then the first Boston trip in awhile. Everything didn't continue on its awesome path though, and I'm sure I hardly need to remind you about the Conflict and how Rich and I decided it was over on the last night of August. :( Things did not really change a whole lot between us though, especially because I moved into the apartment later that week and we continued to hang out as much as before.

School started up again, I started working at the stable, and our house in NK was sold so my parents could move into their new condo in the upper half of the state. Although there were still some fun moments, like the several trips to Boston, life wasn't as awesome as it had been previously. I stopped doing a lot of the things that I had been before, having to concentrate on my schoolwork while continuing to work at Brooks, and I began to cycle in and out of the ED again.

And this state continued until just the other week, when I finished typing up my final papers and realized "well damn, now what do I do?" I had been considering all different after-graduation plans for a few weeks, but now these plans need to be more than just speculation. I completely freaked out the other week after just a few days of job searching and fell into a nearly unable to function depressed state. Yeah, that's always fun. This was NOT helped by the other most recent news, that Rich's company is sending him to Texas early next year, long-term. Remember, as I said earlier, we broke up but were still practically a couple, but this completely bolded, underlined, and italicized that we are not. And there was pain. (There still is.)

I'm scared of 2006. As I've said before, I'm used to having SOMEthing there to ground me, such as my current relationship or the start of a new semester at school. But now everything is just wide open; too open, as far as I'm concerned.

But the thing is, if you had asked me on this day last year how 2005 was going to be, I would NEVER have guessed accurately. Not only did I do so many things, but I know I've changed for the better in various ways, too. So who knows-- maybe when I write my Year in Review for 2006, I'll be like "how could I have even *thought* this year was going to be awful??"

I can only hope. :p

12/29/2005

R.I.P.

I opened the refrigerator door this morning, and it was dead. It was still kinda cold, but the light wasn't on. All the stuff in the freezer was partially thawed though, so I knew it wasn't *just* the light that had gone out.

Not cool! What are we going to do with all those truffles?!

Something's up with one whole side of the kitchen however, because the microwave wouldn't work either. I moved the dish rack and tried plugging in the microwave on *that* side of the sink, and it worked just fine. So I don't think the actual refrigerator died, just the outlet it's plugged into has decided not to work. Unfortunately, I can't quite move it easily to another plug. :p

I called Rich about it and left a voicemail, cuz I don't know if he has the number for maintenance written down somewhere, but he never called me back. Well, I can make do without refrigerated/frozen stuff for a few days.

The Year in Review entry is finished, but I don't feel like posting it tonight. It's not as long as I thought it would be, so I may add to it.

ETA: Apparently I rocked the philosophy paper because I got a B+ in the class! I also got an A in history, but that kinda goes without saying, hehe.

12/27/2005

Random Survey

cuz I'm still finishing up the Year in Review. I'll probably post that tomorrow.

1.What is the color of life? I go back and forth between bright, vivid colors to shades of grey. So. . .everything? haha


2.What is the color of death? Black


3.Have you ever been seriously ill? Not seriously.

4.Do you have any scars you are proud of? Plenty of scars, none that I'm proud of.


5.Do you like traditional weddings or off the wall ones? In general, I DON'T like traditional weddings. I'm just hoping to elope someday.


6.Do you part your hair in the middle? Sometimes in the middle, sometimes on the side, sometimes unevenly. . .depends what I feel like doing when I'm getting ready in the morning!


7.Have you ever observed Buddhist monks making mandalas out of sand? I've only seen pictures.


8.If you had wings, where would you fly to? Probably nowhere since I don't like heights!


9.Did you know that when women wear the color turquoise, men think they are easy, and other women are attracted to them? Um, WHAT? haha


10.Cloth or disposable diapers? diapers = babies = bleh


11.Do you live from paycheck to paycheck? Not at this moment in time, but ask me in a few months and the answer might be different.


12.Do you own at least one pair of black boots? I still have my old riding boots, and they're black, so yes.


13.Do you keep in contact with friends who have moved far away from you? Somewhat. I'm bad at it. :/


14.Would you rather be a taxidermist or a sword swallower? Being a taxidermist would be awesome. Creepy, but awesome.


15.Were you breast or bottle fed? Bottle


16.Top or bottom? O_o


17.Do you like eggplant? yes! I could go for some right now, but alas.


18.Were you an insect in a past life? I may have had past lives, but probably not as an insect!


19.Have you ever scanned a dead animal? Scanned? I remember once when I was a kid there was a dead bird by the side of the road near my house and I used to go stand around and look at it everyday when I was riding my bike. After a few days, the body kind of deflated. It was really weird.


20.Have you ever sat on a rotten owl? (a five year old came up with this question) Goes along well with my last answer, doesn't it? hehe


21.Do you have any fake teeth? nope


22.Have you ever thrown up on someone in a public place? if parties are public places, then maybe a little bit. ~_~


23.Are you connected to the natural world? yes


24.Have you ever ridden a horse bareback? SO FUN. I used to ride Leo bareback all the time cuz hell, sometimes you just don't feel like getting the horse completely tacked up. We used to go ride out in the field and up and down all the hills, hell, I even used to jump bareback! Man, those were the days.


25.Have you ever stepped on a jellyfish? is it possible to go to RI beaches and NOT?


26.Do you read encylopedias for entertainment? I have, haha


27.Are your closets organized? no

28.Do you dream of people you have never met in person? yeah, and apparently the all hate me.


29.Do you stand out in a crowd? Apparently I do. I have stories, but I don't feel like typing them out.


30.Have you ever been mistaken for a sales clerk when shopping at a store? YES. I must *look* like a retail worker! >_<>

12/26/2005

Sweeney Todd is


so good it should be illegal. I haven't really sat down and listened to it in awhile, but I just listened to the whole first act and even though I know it *better* than the back of my hand, it's still amazing.

I cannot WAIT for the DVD to come in, but Amazon hasn't even shipped it yet! I don't think it's due to arrive until the middle of January. :( I still have it on VHS, but I don't know if the VCR is set up here and we don't even have a working on at the condo. I'm gonna need to get a new copy of the OBCR too, cuz I had to skip over the end of the Pirelli scene all the way to "Ladies in Their Sensitivities" since those tracks skip so much and that is completely unacceptable!

I'm still convinced that from "Pretty Women" to the end of Act 1 are some of the best moments in any musical that has ever existed.

Gah, I need to watch this show again, and soon!

(I love that photo of the original cast! I guess they had to joke around once in awhile, cuz having to do that show day after day is probably not good for one's mental health, hehe)

12/25/2005

Obligatory Xmas Day Entry

Again, hope everyone reading this who celebrates it had a good Xmas! Today turned out better than expected for me.

I didn't get a whole lot, but my parents DO pay my portion of the rent, and will be pitching in for the new brakes my car's getting this week, so it would be stupid of me to complain. Overall, I got some gift certificates from my parents, Rich gave me money for the DVD of Sweeney Todd that I ordered off of Amazon (plus we've gone out to eat several times in the past few weeks and he ended up paying for me then too), and one of my aunts/uncles gave me some money. Nothing crazy.

Anyway, we ended up going to my relatives' house for dinner and you may remember how I recently wrote that this particular aunt/uncle were not too kind towards me in the past. I think today went well though. We even all got into a convo about how the state of the world is turning to shit, although I couldn't exactly agree with my uncle's proclamation that *unions* are responsible for most of the problems! I'm not even going to get into it, but unfortunately I felt the need to bite my tongue rather than argue. My family is mostly hard-headed Republicans, so even if I had raised some points, they wouldn't have listened to me so I just didn't bother. It was kinda funny though, because my Mom knows I'm part of the IWW and a union supporter in general, and she definitely gave me a look after my uncle started saying they are the scourge of the earth, heh.

Otherwise, the evening was fine. I ate a TON of food, but hell, that's what the holidays are for. Plus, all I took home with me were some Lindt truffles, and I'm sure if they're still here when the guys get back from Texas, I won't have to worry about them being around for long. :p hehe

It was scary when I got back to the apartment tonight though. I opened the front door and although all the lights were off (as I left them, since I stayed at my parents' condo last night), the TV was on! O_o;;; Although we don't live in a *bad* area, you seriously never know, and I'm a bit paranoid anyway. So I got out my cell phone and pretended I was talking to someone as I walkd slowly throughout the place with a knife in hand, checking all the closets, etc. When I went into Rich's room I noticed that his clock was flashing 12:00 though, and that the clock on the oven also said PF, so the power must have gone out for some reason. Still have no idea why that would turn the TV on, but. . .?

I had another moment of sadness last night. I found out that Jonathan (yay!) is going to be in a new musical in NYC this spring. I believe it's called Awake and Sing! and that it's something about a Jewish family during the Great Depression. Yeah, I don't know, I just read a quick summary of it. Of course I want to see it, but I have no idea if I'll be able to afford the trip to NY and the ticket all on my own and you already know I'm going to say that it won't be the same without Rich there. He's the only one who knows the full extent of my Jonathan love, hehe. I just feel like there's more that *we* wanted to do in NYC and now we'll never get the chance to. :( Grrrr, I don't like APC anymore. Are their buildings made of something flammable? >:(

Well, I'm gonna go read, I think. My next entry will probably be the one you've all been waiting for, so I hope you're prepared! hehe

12/24/2005

Year in Review is just around the corner. . .but not quite yet!

Hope everyone had a good Xmas Eve! Mine was not exactly the greatest. Went to bed around 12:30, but was of course woken up by Rich and everyone else moving around at 4am-ish, getting ready to go to the airport. I thought I could fall back asleep, but nope. Got up around 5:30, had some fruitcake, went online, listened to some music and stuff. Eventually I did go back to bed, not with the intention of falling asleep, but this time I did. I had a REALLY awful dream and then I woke up around 9am, maybe a little later. I left for work around 12:15 and basically was at the cash register the entire time, from 1pm-7pm. It was ridiculous people-wise, but at least it was an easy day (and with very few exceptions, everyone was in a good mood! amazing!). After work I made the trek to my parents' condo and I ate lots of the typical Italian xmas eve food, and now I'm here.

Yesterday, however, was just an annoying day. Remember how there used to be so much drama at work, mostly involving Chris and his ex-girlfriend? Well, she started going to college in Boston this past fall, but she's back home for winter break and picked up some hours at work. She came in to visit Chris earlier in the week, but according to him, they were getting along fine and he wasn't worried at all about working together. Now remember, the reason they used to fight was that she didn't like seeing him getting "too friendly" with other girls. . .although her and Chris aren't a couple! That's why I used to get so frustrated, because hewouldn't stand up to her and be like "wtf, we're not together! why's it your business?!?"

So yesterday afternoon, it was me, this kid Eric, Chris, his ex, and one of the girls he is SUPER friendly with. As in, if you didn't know better, you'd think they were a couple. They've been like this for awhile, so naturally she's one of the girls that his ex REALLY hates. Seriously, hates. Yesterday started off alright though, the ex was with me in the book/magazine aisle, putting stuff away, and Chris/the other girl were doing whatever else. A few times, we'd all congregate up in the office for awhile, and it seemed cool. It seemed like everyone had FINALLY come to their senses.

Ha.

At some point, the ex got pissed off that Chris/the other girl are *still* together all the time. I guess she confronted Chris about this matter for the billionth time, but all I know for sure is that doors were being slammed and people were yelling and crying. Eric and I, the only ones completely uninvolved in this whole mess were like "yeah, awkward." Everybody was just being so *freaking* immature. And then later on, when Chris wasn't lamenting the fact that he didn't have alcohol in his car because he would have started drinking right then and there over this situation, he was complaining about how every relationship he's had turns out like shit and blah blah blah. But it's plain to see that he GETS himself into these siuations, and I had to bite my tongue from bluntly pointing this out to him. Even "the other girl" doesn't treat him well.

Last week he had an exam due on the Tuesday, as well as an 8 page paper which he kept putting off. I worked with him the Sunday before, and I knew he wasn't working the next day, so why couldn't he just get everything finished up then? Oh no, he said, the other girl wanted him to spend all Monday afternoon and night with *her* and her friends, and that she wasn't going to speak to him if he didn't. Of course I was like "Dude, TELL HER you have work that NEEDS to get done. If she doesn't understand that, the hell with her!" Chris hemmed and hawed over this and said he hadn't decided what he was going to do yet. Sure enough, he dragged himself into Brooks on Tuesday afternoon after pulling an all-nighter since he went out with the other girl all day Monday. @_@

Oh well, I give up.

Time to play the horse game!!

12/23/2005

Over 1000

profile views! I'm still amazed by that, hehe.

Can't write a real entry now because Rich's mom and brother are going to be sleeping in the room where the computer is, and I'm a noisy typer. :p They are all going to Texas tomorrow (until late on New Year's Eve. . .like last year, when I went) and have to leave at like 4:30am, so. . .

but I do plan on writing tomorrow morning!

12/22/2005

At Least I

didn't cry today. I think it's the first time in a week that I've managed to go without!

I'm just so, so, so stressed and overwhelmed with Rich moving and now with looking for a job. I can't seem to find anything I'm qualified for, or I'm qualified but it doesn't pay enough/isn't full time, etc. I don't even want to get into it because it's ALL I've been thinking about and it wasn't until tonight that I was able to stop obsessing over it. I'm not helped by the fact that I still don't know what I want-- let's not forget that I haven't had a concrete career goal since I dropped out of the pre-vet program. I have checked the websites of every organization, museum, etc. that I *would* be interested in working for, but either the positions I want are volunteer-only, or (again) I'm very not qualified, or they're not hiring anyone currently. I even started looking outside of my state, in Lexington and Buffalo and Boston even, but still nothing. I have no idea what I'm going to do and now I CAN'T keep putting it off.

I have a few applications and a few ideas, but even they are causing me stress. I don't know what to put down about all my pre-Brooks jobs, since no one that works at those places would even remember me now, and I don't know who to put down for references (can't be supervisors or relatives! dammit!).

I don't even want to bring it up with my parents, because they've been on my case about being able to find a job with a History BA from day one. I've already told them I can't work in the field without a MA, and I probably will get a higher degree someday, but right now I need a BREAK from school. I know that if I have a difficult time finding a job now though, they're not going to offer me any sympathy, they're just going to say "We told you so!"

Oh, anyway. I'm so tired of talking about this.

I have done *some* other things over the past few days, including finally finishing Looking Backward and making another fruitcake. Maybe I should just make a variety of fruitcakes and attempt to sell them at some small, non-chain markets. They're definitely getting sold at the bookstore someday. ;p

Abrupt ending!

12/20/2005

Dammit, Why?





Last night's dream started out like most others. This time, I wasn't in a physically dangerous situation, but a frustrating one nevertheless. Then something small but very unexpected happened, something I guess you could say I've been hoping for irl, and everything changed. I wasn't scared about what was going to happen in the rest of the dream, and I woke up feeling the same hope and calmness, even though it soon dawned on me that the action in question had NOT occurred. Dammit.

It's kinda personal for me to get into details, hence my vagueness. It's not *impossible* for what I dreamed about to happen though it's one of those things that I can't *make* happen in any way. So for now I can only remember what it felt like in those brief seconds-- and wish fervently that anything half as good will happen in the near future, irl.

12/19/2005

Supposedly

I am still graduating.

Went to the dean's office today, told the girl my story and what I found on ecampus. I showed her my old audit slip and everything. She said there was no way to REALLY know since grades aren't in ::nervous look in philosophy's direction:: but that I should be all set. She said that the ecampus program has been messing up a lot of people's writing credits for whatever reason, so I should just ignore that and go by what was written on my audit. I can't say that I feel at ease yet, but there's nothing more I can do for the moment. Hell, the poor girl looked like she was going to cry/scream as it was, and I was being nice! I'm sure she probably gets bitched at all day long though from other disgruntled students, and I know how frustrating it is when people get mad at you for something that isn't technically your fault.

Oh, and if you remember my entry that mentioned how I was scared about handing in my philosophy paper, afraid that I was supposed to have given it to him at the exam. . .I think everything's okay on that front too. There's a girl that was in my class who comes into Brooks every so often, and she came through my line yesterday afternoon. I told her what had happened and she was like "ohh, I wouldn't worry about it, the paper said until 4!" and that I was probably just the first person to drop it off while the professor wasn't in his office. I kinda figured as much, but it's always nice to hear someone else say the same thing. :p

So the holidays are coming up. I'm working 1-7 on Xmas eve, but I'm going to the condo that night. Xmas day we'll be spending with my aunt and uncle in NK, which I never exactly look forward to. You would think that I'd get along with this particular aunt/uncle well since they are complete foodies and they LOVE New York City-- they go several times a year to see shows, etc. But that's not the case. My opinion of them has been tainted ever since xmas dinner several years ago. Now mind you, when my parents and them get together, they tend to talk about stuff that I have no interest in or they just reminisce about relatives that I never met or have very little recollection of. Not surprisingly, I'm quiet because I have nothing of value to add. If they ask me questions about what I'm up to or whatever I'll answer them, but not in any detail because if I'm not doing anything awesome, they show about as much interest as my parents do-- which is to say, none at all. Anyway, this one particular year, I hardly spoke because there was *nothing for me to say.* After dinner, I went upstairs to my room and my parents and relatives stayed around the dinner table to talk. I didn't have my headphones on or anything, so I could still hear them, but they must have assumed that I wasn't able to. My aunt distinctly said that I was stuck-up and was "so unpleasant." And a sarcastic "what a personality." Oh yes, I love my family! @_@

Since that year, I've TRIED being more talkative, but it's hard to feel compelled to speak when they tend to disagree with everything from my taste in musicals to my choice of a major. And people wonder why I'm so amazed when someone actually *supports* my ideas??

Sorry, got a little off track. As I was saying, we're spending Xmas Day there.

Lora already said she isn't going to schedule me for either New Years Eve or New Years Day-- because I've worked one or both every single year I've *been* at Brooks! My parents are going to some First Night type of thing in Woonsocket, but I'm not sure if spending several hours with them out in the cold is how I want to spend the night. Maybe I'll just stay here and watch Sweeney Todd if the DVD comes in by then. Hooray for wild and crazy nights. :p

Wow, it's past 3 already? Definitely time for some lunch!

Pain; Breaking Up For the Second Time

Blah. :(

I started giving thought to my Year in Review entry last week, but it's still too soon to write it. There's still too much time left in 2005 for big events to happen.

Case in point: Rich flew down to Texas last week to interview for a position at his company's new branch there. It went well, and there's a very good chance that he will be moving down there by the end of January. Maybe even sooner?

The last few days have just been awful because of this. If he could at least be here until I got settled in a job and an apartment, it might not be so bad, but there's no way that's going to happen. I don't regret living here one bit, but it's true that despite our not technically "being together" we HAVE spent a ton of time together since September just by default. But now there's not going to be any intermediate phase. We're going to go from living together to not being able to see each other at all. . .for who knows how long? At least if I moved out while he was still here, we could visit each other and go out and stuff.

It looks like I'm still going to be living here with his brother, which maybe isn't IDEAL, but I guess it'll be okay. It's going to be weird though, knowing that Rich is not going to be coming home at night. Did I say weird? I meant downright depressing. :*(

I'm not going to go on and on because I've already sat around thinking about everything in my mind for the past two nights. It's so hard because, as my title says, it's going to be like we're ACTUALLY breaking up now. We both kinda went through a mourning phase in late August/early September when it technically happened, but it was easy to get over since we were still right here. But now the reality of it has completely smacked me upside the head and it's awful. I know I do have *some* friends here despite my past week of bitching in ICA, but my relationship with Rich is just different. I mean, it's not only things like knowing he'll be okay with any random plans I suggest, but what about when I just want someone to lay around with? Seriously. . .

Usually there is at least *one* area of my life I can count on for being stable, and our relationship has been that since we started dating. But right now, I don't feel like *any* area of my life is sure thing. Little things, maybe, but all the bigger things are questions and that's certainly not helping matters right now.

I'm not mad at Rich or anything because he should do what he wants to do and live where he wants to live. But at the same time, yeah, there is pain. My two longest and most serious relationships, both of which seemed like they had long term potential, have failed. And maybe cuz I'm a Libra and I thrive on solid alliances (heh) but both of these situations have hurt. A lot. I don't know if I can go through this kind of thing again. :(

I'm not looking for comments to this entry, but of course you can if you really want to.

Other stuff has been going on in my life that I *had* been hoping to write about, but maybe I'll get to that tomorrow. This has been first and foremost in my mind though, so I had to write *some*thing about it.

12/15/2005

Grr, Now I'm Nervous

because I don't trust URI.

When I went out for dinner with my friend Jen a few weeks ago, we were talking about graduating and how she was nervous because she didn't receive her diploma for *months* afterward. But, she said, she checked her transcript online and it said on *there* that she had graduated.

So I decided to check mine out, not expecting it to say I've graduated yet, but just to see. Before I even did that though, apparently there's a new option on ecampus, Check Your Degree Progress or something like that. I decided to check that out instead.

Remember, my audit from the spring clearly says that I ONLY needed two more 300 level electives, which I theoretically just finished. Now this weird online thing says that I'm missing 2 "english communications" courses, or something like that. WTF? I definitely remember my english requirement being FILLED thank you very much. Unfortunately I don't have my audit slip with me cuz it's in a notebook at the condo; otherwise, I'd be marching to the dean's office TOMORROW and say exactly what I just said: WTF?? (okay, maybe not JUST like that, hehe) Because also remember, I was distinctly told that I was set to graduate in December and that I was put on the list. If they try giving me more crap, holy hell, I will refuse. They WILL let me graduate.

I'm actually not TOO worried though, because I think they changed the gen ed requirements recently, but I should be exempt since they were different when I started. I will probably still go to the Dean's Office on monday though, with my old audit slip and everything, just to make sure one. more. time. I've never known of any other college where it's impossible to graduate. @_@

Since the last time I wrote today, my mood was all over the place again, but mostly not good. I booted myself out of the apartment for awhile though and ended up at Starbucks, though I'm unofficially boycotting them. :p (oh, but Travis, I have a good story I'll tell you about next time on AIM, heh heh heh). That did the trick though and I've been in a decent mood since. I'm probably going to do yoga and watch the Apprentice finale and continue reading Looking Backward for the rest of the night.

til next time. . .

Freaking DONE

unless I fail philosophy, heh.

And of course today had to remind me of the various ways in which URI can be annoying.

Might as well start at the beginning. I woke up early so I could finish my philosophy paper and edit the whole thing. Got it all done, no problem. There wasn't too much of a rush, since it only had to be in before 4, but I still wanted to get it squared away as quickly as possible.

So I guess it was around 12 when I got to campus. I returned my 13 library books, sold back the only 3 I wanted to get rid of ($12! not bad for 3 paperbacks :p) and then headed to my philosophy professor's office.

Now, I knew that the class's final was taking place, so I wasn't expecting him to be there. I figured there'd be an envelope or something in front of the door though, or something indicating that he was waiting for our papers. But there wasn't. I stood there for a second in front of the closed door, wondering if I should just slide it underneath. At that moment, a voice from the next room over called "Who are you looking for?" So I told her, noticing that she was his secretary, and said I was just there to drop off my paper.

"Oh," she said, "I think he's at your class' final right now!"

Well dur, I KNEW that, so I told her that he had written directly on the worksheet for our final paper that it was due at his office before 4 on 12/15. Today.

She seemed clueless about this, which started to make *me* a little worried. Was I supposed to have shown up at the final to hand it to him? The paper's in my lap right now, and it definitely says on the bottom: "R, 12/15 Final Papers due no later than 4pm at Dr. Johnson's office, Lippitt, 206." And that's where I was, so what was the problem?

She told me to just slide it under the door, so I did, but I do find it funny that he didn't tell her what to have students do if they stopped by to drop off their papers. I have a vague recollection that he said something during the last class about seeing us next week either to take the exam or to take our papers, so maybe he was ust expecting that we'd drop it off while he was there? I don't know, and I'm mildly stressing over it. At this point, I really just want to pass the class, even if it's a freaking C-. Damn though, I would never recommend this professor to anyone. he seems like a nice enough guy and he does know what he's talking about, but the way he ran this class was awful. Hmph.

Oh, but I forgot to mention what happened before I even parked my car. So I was driving through my usual parking lot, and since it's just an exam day, I turned down the row closest to the building's entrance, fguring my chance of finding a spot was good. Well, first thing I noticed as I made the turn was that the stupid parking services truck was parked down the other end of the row, just kind of sitting there. There wouldn't be any problems if I found a spot, so I kept driving.

Except there *wasn't* a spot, and now someone was behind me, having also turned down that row. As I kept driving forward, the parking services truck wasn't moving, and there wasn't enough room for me to fit my car between it and the first parked car so I could try the next row. Plus, with the car behind me, I couldn't just back out. And the thing is, the parking services people weren't even DOING anything; they were both sitting in the truck, looking back at me! As I kept getting closer and closer, I figured they MIGHT get the idea that they had to go somewhere since they were blocking my only way out-- but no! I was seriously only feet away from their truck and I guess that my gestures and yelling (with the windows up though :p) made them FINALLY get the hint. Grrr, what asses! And you know what they did? They just drove to the other, completely empty end of the parking lot and just sat there instead. Wow, that was difficult!

I have more to say of course, but that's enough for now. I have the screennames of several people from my class, maybe when one of them takes down their away message I'll ask what the deal was with the papers. Hopefully I didn't f up, but I showed you exactly what it says on the sheet; I was just following his directions.

12/08/2005

Possible Suckage

Hence why I feel the need to write!

Okay, you already know that I'm in this philosophy class and it hasn't been too easy. I've managed to do pretty well on the past two papers though-- a B+ on the Kierkegaard one and a B on the Nietzsche one. Normally I wouldn't be happy with grades in the B range, but it IS a challenging class, and philosophy isn't my "thing," though I do enjoy it.

We have to write three of these papers, but I skipped the one on Heidegger partly because my group did the presentation regarding him (that wasn't graded) and because I didn't understand him all that well. I looked at the list of possible paper questions, but I didn't have a clue on ANY of them. Our last paper was to be on Merleau-Ponty, who I understood a lot better. I picked a question that had to do on the differences of perception between humans and non-humans and how this relates to his philosophy of art. The first part is answered very clearly in the book we had to read; his philosophy concerning art was also in a long essay that we had to read, and although we barely touched on it in class, I read it a handful of times and felt secure with it. So, I wrote my paper and actually felt okay with it for once.

I got a C+. Me! C+! I have only ever gotten ONE other C+ in my *entire 6.5 years of college* and that was only because the professor was an incredibly hard grader. But even slightly more concerning than the grade itself is that I *thought* I had a good grasp on what I wrote about. That was why I got the grade I did. . .I didn't even look through all his comments, just the ones at the end, in which the professor said (not verbatim) "you completely misinterpreted MP's ideas."

And now I'm scared about the final for that class. We can either take an in-class essay exam or write an 8-10 page paper. As you may recall, I tentatively opted for the paper, hoping to write about various philosophers' ideas on history. I got back the abstract and he thinks my idea is a good one, but he listed a billion different sources than the ones I planned on using, and he suggested a different philosopher from one of the ones I chose. But I'm so nervous about doing this paper now, because we didn't go over ANY of these philosophies of history in class, so what if I've misinterpreted these, too? I CANNOT do poorly on this paper-- it's worth an obscene amount of our grade. I don't think I'll fail the class, but I already know I'm not getting an A or A-. I'd even accept a C at this point, though it'll really effect my GPA. No more summa cum laude for me (or whatever the high honors are). :(

So maybe you're thinking I should try taking the test instead, and I considered that option myself. . .until he handed out a list of the questions he's going to choose from. The only one I feel I could answer with ANY certainty is on Kierkegaard. Sure, I'd have until next Thursday to research a little and come up with answers for the rest of them, but I'm so afraid of being wrong now and I really do think the paper will be easier.

What to do? I'm definitely going to email the professor tonight and ask if there's any way I can meet up with him next week before the paper's due to MAKE SURE I'm not headed in the wrong direction with my paper. And I'm definitely going to tell him I'm so concerned because I thought I understood Merleau-Ponty, but obviously I did not and I DON'T want that to happen in my final paper! I also think I'm going to have to cancel the NYC trip on Saturday because I have all these new sources that I need to read through-- and let's not forget that I have a 12 page history take home exam due Wednesday, too! Unfortunately, the play I wanted to see only runs through December 23rd and I don't think Rich can go *next* saturday because he's playing AirSoft or something. But hopefully I can do *something* mildly fun on Saturday night, cuz at this point it looks like I'll be flipping through philosophy books all day. :(

I should have just taken another 300 level history class instead. As long as you know a little context, I don't think it's possible to misinterpret historical documents! :p

12/06/2005

If Something's Not Working

It's time for one of Erica's "I said too much so now I have to hide" few-day breaks.

That and I swear I am rapid-cycling bipolar sometimes, as yesterday through this morning would suggest. I've gone back and forth between feeling great and being in darkest of dark moods throughout that time, though I seem to be steady now. In any case, it's very disquieting, especially because it hasn't happened in awhile.

But a vacation might be needed since I'm going to be very busy during this next week. I'll have two take-home finals to do (one is the philosophy paper, and the history one will be lots of small papers, essentially), but my last day at the barn *is* Friday, so I will have the whole morning at my disposal, especially since I'm used to waking up at 5:45! Saturday, Rich (and Rob?) and I are going to NYC for a play and whatever else. I guess those are the two main things, because as of next Thursday, the only obligation I'll have is work. I'm probably not going to pick up any hours since I NEED to start looking elsewhere (though I will wait until after the holidays to do so. . .the beginning of January-ish).

Oh, and you may have noticed that I removed ICA from my profile. It still exists, and if you know the address you can still get there. I'm just highly ashamed with what's been going on and I just decided to pull it. The title of this entry and what I meant to talk about having to do with it IS more ICA based, but I don't even feel like discussing it anymore.

You know where to find me if you need me.

PS-- my Sweeney Todd coffee mug is awesome. The girl at Dunkin Donuts looked at the picture before she filled it and you could almost read her mind-- Is that. . .Angela Lansbury??? hahaha

I also got an A on my "radicals and the New Deal" paper! So see, not everything has been bad lately. :p

12/04/2005

What Do I Want?

Continuation of my comments from my first entry of the day. :p

As I was saying. . .

Now that more and more of my friends and the people I know *are* graduating college, and *are* getting "real" jobs, and *are* getting married, I find myself both envious and not. I think what I crave is the stability, but by that I do NOT mean settling for just any job or for the first person who comes along, etc.

When I was talking to Dr. Sterne about some of my future plans, I had only briefly mentioned that I'd just be working in retail (most likely) at the same time. Once she heard about all these other things, she was like "wow, so it seems like your job really will be secondary." Yes, pretty much. At least for now. I don't consider this settling for anything. Clearly, if I start working somewhere and I *hate* it, I won't stay. I'm just looking for something that will pay me enough for an apartment and other necessities, and that I don't *mind* doing. Hell, I've said that I would stay at Brooks if only they'd pay me enough (but that would never happen unless I became a store manager! haha)! I don't know, to me it's just the reality of the situation; I'd love to be able to *only* pursue radical activities or work with horses, etc. but sadly you do need money to get by in this world, and working is the only way of getting it.

And whatever I do end up doing, it's not like that's IT, that's THE job I'm going to be stuck at forever. That's the type of "traditional" job-life that kills me and that I wholeheartedly DISagree with. I could never get any old job at this age and stay with it for the rest of my life; I want to be able to travel someday, and do my research and writing. Not that I don't plan on doing that to some extent all along, but I never want to feel tied down to just one company, or one place.

And the retail situation is only temporary. Hopefully someday I'll be able to work in some area that I *do* find fulfilling, but for now, like I said, the job is secondary.

My friends that have already graduated and have "real" jobs, or are working towards one, are happy with their decisions. They love what they do and I think that's great. If I could or did find a job that I really enjoyed, then hell yes, I'd stick with it. . .but I wouldn't forget the rest of my life and sell my soul for that job.

I want the freedom that I mentioned above, but then I do like the idea of settling down. I want a house and some land and some animals. I want someone who's happy with whatever they're doing and is also going to support whatever I'm doing. That's the part of the "traditional" life that I do want, as I said. I see little reason why one can't have that *and* continue to pursue one's goals, or to make a difference in the world.

As someone who loves planning and knowing what's ahead, it makes sense that I feel a bit envious of my friends that *do* have it all figured out. It's not that I envy their lives, per se, but it would be nice to have ANY idea of what's in store over the next 2, 5, 10 years.

I hope that makes any sense. :p And of course, this is all *my* opinion; everyone has to decide these things for themselves.

I Have Such a Knack

for eating moldy food!

There are these organic chocolate/peanut butter granola bars that I absolutely love. For the longest time, I couldn't find them in any supermarket since the place where I used to buy them discontinued them. Well, I came home from work today and Rich was *eating* one, so of course I was overjoyed that we had some again. So later this afternoon, when I was alone and just doing reading for philosophy, I decided to have one.

I grabbed one out of the box, slid it out of the wrapper, and took a bite. As I was mid-swallow, I looked down for whatever reason and my eyes seriously bulged out of my head as I noticed that the top of it was cobweb-like down the middle. AAAUUGHHH!!!!

I literally coughed up the piece that was in my throat and swished like three glasses of water in my mouth so I could spit it out and get the taste out of my mouth. So. freaking. gross. I checked the expiration date on the box, but it wasn't until March 2006! But there was no question in my mind that it was NOT supposed to look that way.

When Rich came back, I showed him and was like "oh, it's fuzzy," when I asked him what was wrong with it, heh. He had already eaten two, but didn't any of the ones he had were like that. He then opened up the remaining few, but they all looked normal. Of course *I* had to get the moldy one, right!?

Oh well, I was fine. I'm actually really full right now because the guys made turkey chili and I had two bowls full, both over lettuce and with 2 potato rolls. They just went to the market to buy some Drumsticks, but I seriously doubt I'll be having one. Knowing me though. . . >:p But I'll save that bitching for ICA.

I met up with my friend Jen and her fiance last night. We ended up having dinner at a Chinese restaurant that's about ten minutes from each of our houses (the condo, not the apartment). We had a lot to talk about, but we had to split after eating since we all had tons of schoolwork to do that night and were working at 7am this morning! We had a decent time though, although it was a little like "the normals" vs. me. :p All I mean is that their lives are following such a traditional path. . .both graduated college and know that they want to be teachers, are engaged and are planning a traditional wedding, and basically their futures are so clear cut and set out for them. Then there's me, with my billion and one plans that sound mildly crazy and absolutely no set plans in any area of my life, but I think she expects that by now, haha.

My fortune cookie said "You're almost there." Interesting.

I think I finally have an idea for my philosophy paper and there should be enough information on it. Using several philosophers that we covered during the course, I plan on comparing/contrsting their philosophies of history-- which encompasses such things as "what is history?" and "what does it mean to record history?" etc. All I've been *doing* over the past few days is reading through some sources I've picked up so I'll be able to throw together an abstract for Tuesday. This is the strongest idea I've been able to come up with, so hopefully the professor will approve it or else I guess I'll be taking the exam instead. Actually, you have to have an 85 or above in the class to even write the paper, and I *think* I do, but I'm not sure how well I did on the paper I turned in last Thursday. :/

I do still like philosophy, but this class is NOT easy.

Well, I was going to write more, but I guess we're gonna watch the Nightmare Before Christmas now. Later!

12/02/2005

Dear Kevin

So I decided to give you another chance. One last chance. You IMed me, and I was NOT thrilled about it, but I decided to try and strike up a normal conversation. It has been almost 4 years since we broke up, and probably a year or more since we last talked over AIM. I blocked you again after that because you still-- STILL-- had not moved on, trying to make me feel guilty over breaking up even if you didn't come right out and say that.

But last night showed that you still aren't ready to be friendly, so I blocked you once more as of this morning and I doubt that I'll ever unblock you again. It's not worth trying, and to be honest, I don't care that much. I gave you ample opportunity to talk, update me on what's going on with your life as I would with any other friend I haven't talked to in awhile. But you hardly answered, so eventually I stopped talking and went to bed. In the morning, I found an IM from you that basically said "I see how it is." wtf? You weren't saying a goddamn thing, or would respond, but in very short sentences that weren't leading our conversation anywhere. This is why, as I stated, it was obvious that you aren't ready to have a normal relationship. I am giving up. It's not that I dislike you-- I don't believe in wasting my energy by holding onto grudges, but I'm not willing to waste my time either.

I've been generous by giving you multiple chances to redeem yourself. Yes, back when we started dating, our relationship was good, but things deteriorated quickly. You did not or would not see that, and I was in no way strong enough to end it sooner. You knew that, though, and I have a strange feeling that you were okay with it. I don't think you would have liked me as much if I had been more secure-- you wouldn't like me the way I am now.

This letter could go on for awhile, but I think that's enough.

12/01/2005

Blank

Sorry guys, wish I had something to say tonight!