Year in Review!
Gah, so you already know that I've been working on this entry for awhile, but I decided to ditch what I had already written and come up with a different version.
2005 didn't seem like it was going to be a great year. Thinking I was in my last semester of school, I was completely unable to think about the future rationally. I was kinda depressed and into the ED, not putting too much effort into stopping it all. I was doing well in my two classes though, and Jen and I were hanging out quite a bit (on campus, anyway), so not everything was bad. And of course Rich was always nearby and I spent quite a bit of time at the apartment.
Because I was so unprepared for life-after-graduation, I wasn't overly upset to find out URI wanted me back for another semester, to take 2 more 300 level classes. Even though *that* didn't get me down, I couldn't get out of my generally depressed state, so back to the counseling center I went. I ended up getting the most awful bitch of a therapist, who made me feel like shit even when I began the session feeling okay. Thanks to her, however, I decided I *had* to take matters into my own hands. I stopped going to see her and started to implement my own plan.
I decided to stop talking about doing things and actually start DOING them. This was when I started running frequently, and practiced playing the bass every day. I learned how to read tarot cards (although that turned out sketchily :p), and I even started doing some smaller things like shopping in stores I would have passed by before or eating foods that I was not so comfortable with. Basically, I stopped listening to my pessimistic mind and started taking chances. My mood and my life started to improve a billionfold. I even managed to go about 5 months purge free during this time, which was pretty amazing.
My first ever trip to NYC happened in April, when Rich and I saw All Shook Up (and I promptly fell in love with it :p) and I completed 3 life goals in one day, hehe. The semester ended and I got A's in my classes, as expected. I decided not to walk at the graduation ceremony, and in fact I drove to some barn to watch a horse show that morning, haha.
Summer started and I continued only working part time at Brooks because I wanted to make sure I had enough free time to retain my newfound sanity. :p I also expected to take a summer class so I'd only have to take one in the fall, but it didn't happen. My first choice was cancelled last minute, and the only other one I was able to get into, I could tell I wasn't a fan of the professor from Day 1, so I dropped it.
Travis and I started talking again during the summer too, which I must say was completely unexpected. I thought it was worth mentioning in here though because we've spent a fair amount of time together since then, and I know the last half of this year would have been very different if we hadn't!
The summer wrapped up with a 2nd (awful) trip to NYC and then the first Boston trip in awhile. Everything didn't continue on its awesome path though, and I'm sure I hardly need to remind you about the Conflict and how Rich and I decided it was over on the last night of August. :( Things did not really change a whole lot between us though, especially because I moved into the apartment later that week and we continued to hang out as much as before.
School started up again, I started working at the stable, and our house in NK was sold so my parents could move into their new condo in the upper half of the state. Although there were still some fun moments, like the several trips to Boston, life wasn't as awesome as it had been previously. I stopped doing a lot of the things that I had been before, having to concentrate on my schoolwork while continuing to work at Brooks, and I began to cycle in and out of the ED again.
And this state continued until just the other week, when I finished typing up my final papers and realized "well damn, now what do I do?" I had been considering all different after-graduation plans for a few weeks, but now these plans need to be more than just speculation. I completely freaked out the other week after just a few days of job searching and fell into a nearly unable to function depressed state. Yeah, that's always fun. This was NOT helped by the other most recent news, that Rich's company is sending him to Texas early next year, long-term. Remember, as I said earlier, we broke up but were still practically a couple, but this completely bolded, underlined, and italicized that we are not. And there was pain. (There still is.)
I'm scared of 2006. As I've said before, I'm used to having SOMEthing there to ground me, such as my current relationship or the start of a new semester at school. But now everything is just wide open; too open, as far as I'm concerned.
But the thing is, if you had asked me on this day last year how 2005 was going to be, I would NEVER have guessed accurately. Not only did I do so many things, but I know I've changed for the better in various ways, too. So who knows-- maybe when I write my Year in Review for 2006, I'll be like "how could I have even *thought* this year was going to be awful??"
I can only hope. :p
2005 didn't seem like it was going to be a great year. Thinking I was in my last semester of school, I was completely unable to think about the future rationally. I was kinda depressed and into the ED, not putting too much effort into stopping it all. I was doing well in my two classes though, and Jen and I were hanging out quite a bit (on campus, anyway), so not everything was bad. And of course Rich was always nearby and I spent quite a bit of time at the apartment.
Because I was so unprepared for life-after-graduation, I wasn't overly upset to find out URI wanted me back for another semester, to take 2 more 300 level classes. Even though *that* didn't get me down, I couldn't get out of my generally depressed state, so back to the counseling center I went. I ended up getting the most awful bitch of a therapist, who made me feel like shit even when I began the session feeling okay. Thanks to her, however, I decided I *had* to take matters into my own hands. I stopped going to see her and started to implement my own plan.
I decided to stop talking about doing things and actually start DOING them. This was when I started running frequently, and practiced playing the bass every day. I learned how to read tarot cards (although that turned out sketchily :p), and I even started doing some smaller things like shopping in stores I would have passed by before or eating foods that I was not so comfortable with. Basically, I stopped listening to my pessimistic mind and started taking chances. My mood and my life started to improve a billionfold. I even managed to go about 5 months purge free during this time, which was pretty amazing.
My first ever trip to NYC happened in April, when Rich and I saw All Shook Up (and I promptly fell in love with it :p) and I completed 3 life goals in one day, hehe. The semester ended and I got A's in my classes, as expected. I decided not to walk at the graduation ceremony, and in fact I drove to some barn to watch a horse show that morning, haha.
Summer started and I continued only working part time at Brooks because I wanted to make sure I had enough free time to retain my newfound sanity. :p I also expected to take a summer class so I'd only have to take one in the fall, but it didn't happen. My first choice was cancelled last minute, and the only other one I was able to get into, I could tell I wasn't a fan of the professor from Day 1, so I dropped it.
Travis and I started talking again during the summer too, which I must say was completely unexpected. I thought it was worth mentioning in here though because we've spent a fair amount of time together since then, and I know the last half of this year would have been very different if we hadn't!
The summer wrapped up with a 2nd (awful) trip to NYC and then the first Boston trip in awhile. Everything didn't continue on its awesome path though, and I'm sure I hardly need to remind you about the Conflict and how Rich and I decided it was over on the last night of August. :( Things did not really change a whole lot between us though, especially because I moved into the apartment later that week and we continued to hang out as much as before.
School started up again, I started working at the stable, and our house in NK was sold so my parents could move into their new condo in the upper half of the state. Although there were still some fun moments, like the several trips to Boston, life wasn't as awesome as it had been previously. I stopped doing a lot of the things that I had been before, having to concentrate on my schoolwork while continuing to work at Brooks, and I began to cycle in and out of the ED again.
And this state continued until just the other week, when I finished typing up my final papers and realized "well damn, now what do I do?" I had been considering all different after-graduation plans for a few weeks, but now these plans need to be more than just speculation. I completely freaked out the other week after just a few days of job searching and fell into a nearly unable to function depressed state. Yeah, that's always fun. This was NOT helped by the other most recent news, that Rich's company is sending him to Texas early next year, long-term. Remember, as I said earlier, we broke up but were still practically a couple, but this completely bolded, underlined, and italicized that we are not. And there was pain. (There still is.)
I'm scared of 2006. As I've said before, I'm used to having SOMEthing there to ground me, such as my current relationship or the start of a new semester at school. But now everything is just wide open; too open, as far as I'm concerned.
But the thing is, if you had asked me on this day last year how 2005 was going to be, I would NEVER have guessed accurately. Not only did I do so many things, but I know I've changed for the better in various ways, too. So who knows-- maybe when I write my Year in Review for 2006, I'll be like "how could I have even *thought* this year was going to be awful??"
I can only hope. :p
posted by Erica at 11:11 PM
2 Comments:
I was very impressed to read,
"Thanks to her, however, I decided I *had* to take matters into my own hands."
It reminds me of my turning point. I had let my life slide and be carried along by external forces for many years. After it bottomed out, I decided to make choices/decisions, take more responsibility for my own life. Although it is scary and filled with doubt at various times, I think this is the only way.
---
Stupid counsellor. But I'm glad you made a good decision.
---
In terms of the future, you are a smart cookie. You've taken responsibilty for your life, which is more than most people do.
If my experience is anything to go by, the future will play out as it does - with its ups and downs. As it does, you will become more experienced and adapt at living it, better at riding its waves and troughs. You will learn skills and develop attitudes you didn't know you had in you. It will be unpredictable going forward, but make more sense when you look back on it (or at least appear to).
You're doing really well. Happy New Year.
Spelling errors
adapt should have been adept.
attitudes should have been aptitudes.
Although adaptation and attitudes all fit in there - so maybe they weren't all that incorrect.
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