Pain; Breaking Up For the Second Time

Blah. :(

I started giving thought to my Year in Review entry last week, but it's still too soon to write it. There's still too much time left in 2005 for big events to happen.

Case in point: Rich flew down to Texas last week to interview for a position at his company's new branch there. It went well, and there's a very good chance that he will be moving down there by the end of January. Maybe even sooner?

The last few days have just been awful because of this. If he could at least be here until I got settled in a job and an apartment, it might not be so bad, but there's no way that's going to happen. I don't regret living here one bit, but it's true that despite our not technically "being together" we HAVE spent a ton of time together since September just by default. But now there's not going to be any intermediate phase. We're going to go from living together to not being able to see each other at all. . .for who knows how long? At least if I moved out while he was still here, we could visit each other and go out and stuff.

It looks like I'm still going to be living here with his brother, which maybe isn't IDEAL, but I guess it'll be okay. It's going to be weird though, knowing that Rich is not going to be coming home at night. Did I say weird? I meant downright depressing. :*(

I'm not going to go on and on because I've already sat around thinking about everything in my mind for the past two nights. It's so hard because, as my title says, it's going to be like we're ACTUALLY breaking up now. We both kinda went through a mourning phase in late August/early September when it technically happened, but it was easy to get over since we were still right here. But now the reality of it has completely smacked me upside the head and it's awful. I know I do have *some* friends here despite my past week of bitching in ICA, but my relationship with Rich is just different. I mean, it's not only things like knowing he'll be okay with any random plans I suggest, but what about when I just want someone to lay around with? Seriously. . .

Usually there is at least *one* area of my life I can count on for being stable, and our relationship has been that since we started dating. But right now, I don't feel like *any* area of my life is sure thing. Little things, maybe, but all the bigger things are questions and that's certainly not helping matters right now.

I'm not mad at Rich or anything because he should do what he wants to do and live where he wants to live. But at the same time, yeah, there is pain. My two longest and most serious relationships, both of which seemed like they had long term potential, have failed. And maybe cuz I'm a Libra and I thrive on solid alliances (heh) but both of these situations have hurt. A lot. I don't know if I can go through this kind of thing again. :(

I'm not looking for comments to this entry, but of course you can if you really want to.

Other stuff has been going on in my life that I *had* been hoping to write about, but maybe I'll get to that tomorrow. This has been first and foremost in my mind though, so I had to write *some*thing about it.