I Need Cement
to make sure that the pendulum that is my mind stays where it is for awhile. >_<
I am sorry again for yesterday, but I *was* feeling completely awful. There's the job/all that situation that is common knowledge by now, but that's not the only thing bothering me. By yesterday afternoon I felt like all of these situations are not going the way I'd like them to AT ALL and it was, to use my own term, soul-destroying.
I'm not sure how my mood turned around, because I was still miserable during my first few hours at work. I think just keeping my mind on the menial tasks I was doing stopped the continuous worrying cycle, and even later in the day I consciously tried NOT to think about anything. Even Chris had to wait until later in the shift to hear what was going on, and I only gave him an abbreviated version of anything because I didn't want to push myself near the edge again.
Then I woke up this morning and was fine, as though yesterday was a normal day. I know that going home triggered this whole episode, but I honestly believe that my severe mood swings may be partly chemical. :\ I know that most people worry about the same things I worry about, and everyone gets upset from time to time, but not like this. This is like being trapped, literally not able to even *think* that anything is going to be okay; it's inconceivable, it really does feel like dying is the best option. Until you've felt that way, I don't think you can imagine what it's like. The reason why I think this is slightly chemical with me is that although it makes sense (to some extent) why I might be feeling that way lately, there have been occasions when I've just woken up and this feeling hits me out of nowhere. It'll usually last for a few hours, a day at most, and then it just leaves. Usually not much even *changes,* situation-wise, I just inexplicably start feeling better. The thing is, this usually only happens to me. . .I don't know, 2 times per year at most. I've already felt this way twice *this year* and it's only February. I hope this is it for awhile, I've managed to rationalize some of the things that were bothering me, but some of the situations are not things I can control.
ETA: I also hope this is it for awhile because I *hate* putting everyone else through it with me. It's a difficult thing because I want people around during those times but I know that I become pretty difficult to deal with. And you know that kinda goes against my nature, in that I don't like being difficult. So. . .let's all be thankful that I'm not like this 98% of the time, hehe.
Well like I said, today's been better. I went to Starbucks and got some free coffee (which I ruined by putting too much random crap in, haha). I was also one of "those" people by talking to Rich on my cell phone while there-- I tried not to talk too loudly! (Lora actually asked someone to step outside the other day because they were pacing up and down some of the aisles having an obnoxiously loud cell phone conversation. That was great, hehe.) I went to Whole Foods earlier in the day and had some delicious salmon/avocado sushi and corn chowder. On a random note, I'm having the most awful time trying to find frozen vindaloo curry anywhere. Stop and Shop used to carry it, but they don't seem to anymore, and I expected Whole Foods to, but they don't now either! I'm gonna have to check out the few other stores I know of that carry frozen indian dishes, cuz if I have to go to P Place every time I want vindaloo, that's just not even cool, haha. Oh, and I bought mix for the apple cinnamon scones that everyone favors, so I'll have to make those later this week. ^__^
I also played the bass a ton because I'm determined to improve, evil G-string be damned!
I really want to get back to writing my story, but my characters have been so boring lately. I was actually going to ask for situation suggestions, but since not everyone knows my characters, I'll have to write a little bit about it in a later entry. For now, I think I'm heading to B&N (surprise!) for a little while.
I am sorry again for yesterday, but I *was* feeling completely awful. There's the job/all that situation that is common knowledge by now, but that's not the only thing bothering me. By yesterday afternoon I felt like all of these situations are not going the way I'd like them to AT ALL and it was, to use my own term, soul-destroying.
I'm not sure how my mood turned around, because I was still miserable during my first few hours at work. I think just keeping my mind on the menial tasks I was doing stopped the continuous worrying cycle, and even later in the day I consciously tried NOT to think about anything. Even Chris had to wait until later in the shift to hear what was going on, and I only gave him an abbreviated version of anything because I didn't want to push myself near the edge again.
Then I woke up this morning and was fine, as though yesterday was a normal day. I know that going home triggered this whole episode, but I honestly believe that my severe mood swings may be partly chemical. :\ I know that most people worry about the same things I worry about, and everyone gets upset from time to time, but not like this. This is like being trapped, literally not able to even *think* that anything is going to be okay; it's inconceivable, it really does feel like dying is the best option. Until you've felt that way, I don't think you can imagine what it's like. The reason why I think this is slightly chemical with me is that although it makes sense (to some extent) why I might be feeling that way lately, there have been occasions when I've just woken up and this feeling hits me out of nowhere. It'll usually last for a few hours, a day at most, and then it just leaves. Usually not much even *changes,* situation-wise, I just inexplicably start feeling better. The thing is, this usually only happens to me. . .I don't know, 2 times per year at most. I've already felt this way twice *this year* and it's only February. I hope this is it for awhile, I've managed to rationalize some of the things that were bothering me, but some of the situations are not things I can control.
ETA: I also hope this is it for awhile because I *hate* putting everyone else through it with me. It's a difficult thing because I want people around during those times but I know that I become pretty difficult to deal with. And you know that kinda goes against my nature, in that I don't like being difficult. So. . .let's all be thankful that I'm not like this 98% of the time, hehe.
Well like I said, today's been better. I went to Starbucks and got some free coffee (which I ruined by putting too much random crap in, haha). I was also one of "those" people by talking to Rich on my cell phone while there-- I tried not to talk too loudly! (Lora actually asked someone to step outside the other day because they were pacing up and down some of the aisles having an obnoxiously loud cell phone conversation. That was great, hehe.) I went to Whole Foods earlier in the day and had some delicious salmon/avocado sushi and corn chowder. On a random note, I'm having the most awful time trying to find frozen vindaloo curry anywhere. Stop and Shop used to carry it, but they don't seem to anymore, and I expected Whole Foods to, but they don't now either! I'm gonna have to check out the few other stores I know of that carry frozen indian dishes, cuz if I have to go to P Place every time I want vindaloo, that's just not even cool, haha. Oh, and I bought mix for the apple cinnamon scones that everyone favors, so I'll have to make those later this week. ^__^
I also played the bass a ton because I'm determined to improve, evil G-string be damned!
I really want to get back to writing my story, but my characters have been so boring lately. I was actually going to ask for situation suggestions, but since not everyone knows my characters, I'll have to write a little bit about it in a later entry. For now, I think I'm heading to B&N (surprise!) for a little while.
posted by Erica at 6:49 PM
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