Maybe She's Right
So several of us at work the other night were talking about majors and jobs and all that stuff. Naturally, I got on my "guess I'm stuck here for now" tangent, but I also mentioned that I *was* steadily working on my research, though damned if I know what's going to come of it. One of my coworkers caught on to my lamentable tone and was quick to respond with "But wasn't that what you planned on doing for now anyway?"
I have a hard time remembering that this intermediate phase (before grad school, where I may actually get a useful degree!) isn't going to last forever, though it *will* probably be a few years. Plus, my coworker *was* right in saying that this is what I planned to do-- retail by day, history by night-- though of course I was hoping to be somewhere other than Brooks and certainly making more $$.
I know I can't complain about that too much because I basically stopped doing anything job-search related over the past few weeks. I think a huge part of it is that Brooks has become that one steady thing in my life-- you know, the role that my relationship with Rich used to fill. Even on the less-than-fun days, I never have to truly worry about anything. I know what I'm doing, I get along with my coworkers, there are never any surprises. Of course the downside is that until I find something else to "balance on," I'm not going to throw myself willingly into looking for another job. I don't want to be the newbie-- I hate feeling incompetent, I hate having to prove myself (though I've always ended up being being one of the trustworthy ones at all the jobs I've had).
But the pay-off for not stressing myself with finding another job has enabled me to get a little more back on track eating-wise. That's still a delicate balance though. Sure, I'm not purging but then my mind worries about all the carbs I've eaten, or all the sugar (like right now. . .I had lots of sugary things today and I feel as though I gained 20 lbs. . .hence the reappearance of Fatty McFatFat, hehe). Things like that, but I suppose just feeling bad mentally is better than acting on it.
I wouldn't say that any aspect of my life is going badly right now, in fact I'm pretty content overall. But after the events of the past few months, I'm just not ready for the stress, possible disappointments, possible heartbreak, etc. that are almost inevitable over the *next* few months. I could be wrong. I *hope* I'm wrong, but it's always easier to prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than vice versa.
Well, that's all for now. I have lots of things to read and I may go to bed early tonight. I'll probably go do research at URI in the morning since I'm going up to the condo for the night. Or I might just wait and maybe read a few extra chapters from the Lincoln book instead, who knows?
I have a hard time remembering that this intermediate phase (before grad school, where I may actually get a useful degree!) isn't going to last forever, though it *will* probably be a few years. Plus, my coworker *was* right in saying that this is what I planned to do-- retail by day, history by night-- though of course I was hoping to be somewhere other than Brooks and certainly making more $$.
I know I can't complain about that too much because I basically stopped doing anything job-search related over the past few weeks. I think a huge part of it is that Brooks has become that one steady thing in my life-- you know, the role that my relationship with Rich used to fill. Even on the less-than-fun days, I never have to truly worry about anything. I know what I'm doing, I get along with my coworkers, there are never any surprises. Of course the downside is that until I find something else to "balance on," I'm not going to throw myself willingly into looking for another job. I don't want to be the newbie-- I hate feeling incompetent, I hate having to prove myself (though I've always ended up being being one of the trustworthy ones at all the jobs I've had).
But the pay-off for not stressing myself with finding another job has enabled me to get a little more back on track eating-wise. That's still a delicate balance though. Sure, I'm not purging but then my mind worries about all the carbs I've eaten, or all the sugar (like right now. . .I had lots of sugary things today and I feel as though I gained 20 lbs. . .hence the reappearance of Fatty McFatFat, hehe). Things like that, but I suppose just feeling bad mentally is better than acting on it.
I wouldn't say that any aspect of my life is going badly right now, in fact I'm pretty content overall. But after the events of the past few months, I'm just not ready for the stress, possible disappointments, possible heartbreak, etc. that are almost inevitable over the *next* few months. I could be wrong. I *hope* I'm wrong, but it's always easier to prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than vice versa.
Well, that's all for now. I have lots of things to read and I may go to bed early tonight. I'll probably go do research at URI in the morning since I'm going up to the condo for the night. Or I might just wait and maybe read a few extra chapters from the Lincoln book instead, who knows?
posted by Erica at 9:28 PM
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