10/31/2005

:)

Today turned out so well!

First of all, it wa warm at the barn this morning. It's kinda sad when I consider a temp in the high 40s to be warm, but nevertheless. :p And for a Monday, the stalls were not too bad at all. Normally I have to dump out the wheelbarrow two times, but today I only had to once. I was even able to leave about ten minutes early today.

Then I studied for the next billion hours and went to campus early to study even more. A bunch of kids from my class were waiting in the hall like an hour before the test began, but it was good because we all went over things we had questions on. I was a little nervous because, although I knew everything from the class notes, I hadn't been too good about keeping up with the reading over the past few weeks and I also missed one lecture and never got notes on the subject-- hell, I'm not even sure what it was on exactly!

But it all turned out okay. Normally I have "test inferiority" the same way I have "paper inferiority" every time I hand something in, but not so today. I know I did well, so hopefully it'll earn me a B+ or A-.

I *was* worried about getting back the BabbitT paper because I honestly felt as though I missed the point I was trying to make, or that I didn't have a strong enough argument, etc. So after I handed my test in and the professor handed my paper back, I didn't even want to look at it. There were some marks/comments on the front, but I didn't take the time to read them. I stood outside in the hall and very cautiously turned to the back page. Saw lots of comments. . .and. . .a circled A! (er, no, not the anarchy symbol :p) I was so surprised I literally squeaked! Rich knows what I'm talking about, haha. But yeah, she said it was an incredible paper, astoundingly well written and one of the best that she's read in awhile! Well, for a paper that I thought *sucked* or was passable at best, I was NOT going to complain. I actually checked the front to see if it truly was MY paper, lol.

So, having a good test and getting back a totally unexpected A helped make my day very awesome.

I didn't get to watch Sweeney Todd since Rich's brother was home and already watching a movie, but that was alright. Speaking of movies, Amazon still hasn't sent out my Assassination of Richard Nixon DVD. It's supposed to be shipped by Wednesday at the latest, and this was after being pushed back from an earlier date. When I first ordered it, it wasn't out of stock or anything, so I'm not sure why it's being delayed. Maybe they're running background checks on people who order it, hehe. ;p I've never had a problem with Amazon before, so hopefully it *will* be sent out on time and there won't be any more problems. I want to order Sweeney Todd on DVD too, but I'm definitely waiting until this other order is straightened out.

Well, the only other thing I have to get through this week is a philosophy presentation, and that does worry me since I can't bs my way through it like I probably could for anything history related. The other girl I'm working with and I are probably going to ask the professor for some suggestions tomorrow. There *is* a third girl in our group, but she hasn't responded to any emails, so we might try talking to her tomorrow too. But once Thursday's over, I don't have any more remotely busy weeks til the end of the semester.

And it's time for bed. 'Night!

ETA: just checked my AOL email (which I haven't cancelled yet :/) and Amazon shipped my movie today, so it should be here in a week. :)

Only $10




Yeah, so I guess I'm gonna be alone tonight, but I'll be watching Sweeney Todd and that's always a good thing.

(Or, if the VCR isn't set up, The Shining or something else. it's not like we don't have a billion movies here!)

ANYthing is better than studying! ::grumbles and goes off to do more of just that::

10/30/2005

And It Continues

I left work early today because ::surprise!:: I was feeling nauseous and otherwise digestive-ly gross most of the day. I feel okay now, but still not 100%.

Nothing more was mentioned about the party, but one of the girls that he *did* invite was there and I noticed that they definitely act differently towards each other than he and *I* do. Mind you, this is the girl that is taken but he flirts with her anyway. It's almost creepy-- the whole time, you don't see one without the other right there. He even stayed a half-hour beyond when he was supposed to leave just so they could sit up in the office together during her break (this being after he complained and complained about having to stay so late!). I'm sorry, but when I'm at work, I'm there to *work.* Yes, I like spending some time socializing, but I like getting shit done, too. If Chris wants to spend a billion hours joking around with someone, well he should just invite them out somewhere. Not a difficult conclusion! I don't even think this is me being perturbed because I'm jealous, because that's not it. Even if dating Chris were an option, I'm not sure I'd jump at the chance. He can be very immature and I don't think he'd be able to handle the weirder side of me at all. And the whole incident from awhile back, when he got this girl he liked drunk so he'd feel more comfortable about asking her if they could be more than friends. . .yeah, no thanks. If he can't even ask THAT while sober, I'd hate to know how smashed he'd have to be to talk about more serious/difficult things.

Gah, I gotta stop. I feel mean for writing this stuff, but I'm never mean without being provoked.

Gotta go study more for history anyway.

10/29/2005

Random Capybara


Hee. How can you *not* love them? They're the largest rodents in existance and they're freaking adorable! The zoo in my state used to have a few, but they always used to hide so I've only seen them a couple of times. The picture isn't one that I took, I just grabbed it off of Google. :p

Today was alright. I went to the condo and did laundry. My Mom and I also went back to the dairy farm/bakery. I bought these awesome chocolate covered marble cake slices with a marshmallow layer between the chocolate and the cake part, plus we got some incredibly good pizza that had broccoli on it. That store is one of the best places on earth, I swear. Everything I've had from there has been incredible and cheap. What could be better? ^__^

Then tonight Rich and I went to China Buffet and then saw Saw II. The movie was pretty good, definitely painful to watch at some points. O_o;; But at the restaurant, I rehashed the work situation with Rich because it does bother me. And I know that tomorrow I'm gonna go into Brooks and everyone's gonna be friendly and happy and joking around and I guess I'll play along, but I wonder if they're all just putting up a front. It doesn't seem that way, but I can't imagine why I'd be left out if they *did* like me as much as they claim to. Rich asked if the girls Chris invited were people he's interested in, but I don't think that has much to do with it. One of them already has a boyfriend (although he flirts with her mercilessly anyway), and another is a girl that-- as far as Chris always told me-- he's not even that fond of! And the third person (that I has been invited) *is* another girl he apparently adores, but I still doubt that has much to do with it. Oh, anyway.

And besides studying, that's really all that's been going on today.

Nevertheless, I might be back to write more later tonight . . .

10/28/2005

It Never Fails

I've ranted about this before, but what am I supposed to do when it keeps happening?

Basically, Chris was inviting people to his house on Monday night for a Halloween get together. It's not even a "party" per se, but from what I heard, there will be candy and hot apple cider and scary movies.

I heard, but I wasn't supposed to-- because I am not invited.

As I've said, this has happened before, but I have no idea why. It especially hurts because it's *Chris* who I consider myself somewhat close to. He's one of those rare people that I almost immediately "clicked" with, but I guess that doesn't mean much. I really don't understand. We constantly joke around and have a whole slew of inside jokes, but we have also had serious conversations about all sorts of things. Supposedly I'm one of his favorite people. . .but I guess that's only while we're at work.

I know he talks to other coworkers outside of Brooks, and from what I've heard, fairly often! I tentatively invited him to Starbucks awhile back, in fact I think it was while I was still with Rich, so it was unquestionably not a date-like situation. Unfortunately our schedules clashed, so we couldn't find a time and it never happened. But now I kinda wonder if that was the truth, or if he just didn't want to and needed an excuse.

If he had asked me to come over Monday, I would have said yes. I have a midterm in the evening, but I'd probably be done by 6, and it didn't sound like his shindig was starting til later anyway. I never have plans on Monday nights and this week I won't even have any real homework to do that night. So I guess I'll just be sitting at home unless I decide to go out for coffee or whatever. Too bad, cuz cider and candy and movies would be fine with me. :(

This is one of those situations that, in the past, I would have blamed myself for. But as far as I'm concerned, I've done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. I'll never understand why it happens, but what can I really do?

10/27/2005

Nothing to Say?!

Well it's not *that* but most of what I could say I've either written about elsewhere or been talking to people about, so I don't feel the need to rehash it here.

That and this is my second hell week, though it looks like next week will be one, too! Monday is my history midterm (not hard, just lots of info) and Thursday is my philosophy presentation, which we won't be putting together until Wednesday. Eek. But after that I don't think I'll have any more hell weeks until finals-- which I'm sure will be here in no time.

Other than that, nothing much has been going on. I've been meaning to write an email to my friend Jen because I haven't heard from her in awhile, but I don't know her addy offhand; it's in an old history notebook that's in North Smithfield. Oops, heh. We haven't actually hung out since *July* but I'm not going to have any real free time for another week or two, and she's always busy, so it's difficult. And although I'm not mad at her in any way, I must say she's a prime example of the whole "If *I* don't contact her, I wouldn't ever hear from her" phenomenon. Granted, I know she's a busy person, but c'mon now.

Anonymous History Boy went down a few notches the other day. Not that I was ever interested in pursuing him anyway, but now I'm pretty sure he'll be staying at acquaintence level. I don't feel too mean about it, heh. [insert long entry about whether I should even be pursuing anyone given my tentative future plans. i don't care, it's not going to stop me cuz who even knows when I'm going to leave?]

So that's it. Hopefully I'll have something more exciting to talk about soon!

10/25/2005

If There is a God

He/She/It hates me.

Just trudged through the wind and the rain to get to class only to find out it's cancelled.

THANK YOU. So glad he made good use of the email addresses he asked us for on the first day of class! >:(

So now I don't really have anything to do on-campus-- didn't bring any books, I'm not even hungry enough to go eat at Bagelz or something. . .

Freaking a.

10/24/2005

Holy Hell!

I just noticed the nice little warning on my container of dried cherries: "Packed in a facility that packages peanuts/nuts. Caution: may contain pits, shells, seeds, or other earthen objects."

Great! haha

I'm not even getting into the paper fiasco that happened this afternoon. At least I caught my mistake before I handed the paper in, but having to run around to fix it was annoying. Babbit looks better than Babbitt anyway, if you ask me. :p

In other news, History Boy (it's the middle of the semester and I still don't know his name!) caught up with me after class, walking back to the parking lot. Not for the first time. I'm still ambivalent, though I guess it must mean something that he didn't get an instant NO. Well, this is not the place to speculate. . .

You know, I'm thinking about moving sooner rather than later. Maybe. Well it's just I've been seriously considering the research thing that I mentioned before, but simply moving to Buffalo wouldn't cut it since not everything I need is *there.* I want to learn more about Czol's family (if possible!) and more about the various groups he belonged to. Sooo. . .I'd possibly have to go to Michigan (yay.) and Cleveland to find this stuff out. In any case, I'd have to travel around a bit no matter what.

Even if I do decide to head wherever, I'm not going *anywhere* until next summer at the earliest. But right now this is something I really want to do, and hopefully over the next few months I can come up with a realistic plan.

In still other news, I continue to be slightly crazy. :p

And bright red lipstick is great no matter what. Hee.

10/23/2005

Always an Adventure! - Brooks Style

Okay. So, today started off as a fairly usual Sunday. I didn't have a register, all I had to do was help put away things in some of the aisles from our delivery on Friday. No problem, that's what I prefer doing. The only annoying thing was that I had been feeling slightly nauseous since the morning, and even chugging Emetrol had only worked somewhat.

Everything was going along fine and I was managing to get stuff put away quickly. At one point, I went to pick up the next tote (these red containers we recieve the products in) and all of a sudden ::PAIN!:: I felt something sharp go in my hand, right in the fleshy part near the thumb, and after dropping the tote, I noticed that one of the metal rings was broken and ominously pointy.

Now, accidentally cutting ourselves on stuff is practically part of the job description. It happens at one-hour photo, it happens when bringing in the delivery, etc. Usually they're the type of cuts that you don't even notice until afterwards, when you sit there and wonder "how did I get that?"

This was not one of those times.

It didn't start bleeding right away, but I started walking towards the office to get a Band Aid anyway. But no sooner had I walked a few steps, was I able to feel a disgustingly warm trickle running down my hand, dripping off my finger. I looked down, and there was suddenly a small puddle of blood in my hand. Umm. O_o;;

Luckily, one of my coworkers (the sorority girl, actually) was also heading into the office and was like "What's up?" to which I replied "I'm bleeding," and I held out my hand. It still didn't seem *so* bad. Besides, it wasn't even a big cut lengthwise, although it had felt kind of deep when it happened.

So we both went upstairs. There was nothing there to clean it up with and no Band Aids in sight. I could still feel the blood trickling down my hand, and suddenly that sensation, coupled with the sight of it was making me feel light headed. I've never been good with the sight of my own blood, although it had been many years since I had *fainted* because of it. Unfortuantely, I was starting to get that feeling now. I crawled onto one of the chairs and she ran off to get some baby wipes or something. She returned within an instant, but I was doing progressively worse. I didn't think it was bleeding enough to possibly warrant stitches or anything, but then again, I couldn't look. She handed me some baby wipes to clean it up with, but I was starting to feel too woozy to do even that, so she put some in my hand and told me to hold it on there while she went to get some bandages.

As soon as she left, I crumpled forward, onto the desk. I kept flashing back to the last time I *did* pass out, when I had to get something like 6 vials of blood taken *after* fasting for like 12 hours or so (I had to fast, it wasn't voluntary!). It wasn't pretty and Nick, if you're reading, I'm sure you remember that incident well. :p I thought maybe some orange juice would help, but at this point, it was a struggle to even hold my hand shut. I tried concentrating on breathing so I *wouldn't* pass out completely.

Next thing I knew, the girl and Chris *and* "Kevin" were there, but I didn't have my eyes open, so I didn't know entirely what was going on. I guess she hadn't told them about my cut, because Chris asked if I had been sick since I had mentioned feeling nauseous earlier. That, and apparently I was looking a little grey. :/ But I guess they learned the actual situation soon after, cuz someone was wiping my hand and then bandaging it, and then someone else was wiping my other fingers, which I guess had blood on them. Not to mention the desk, which I had been indiscriminantly been bleeding on. They kept trying to keep me talking, and I was-- kinda. But I was honestly *this* close to passing completely out. I don't know how I didn't.

I guess there *had* been a lot of blood for such a small cut, but it didn't even go through the first gauze pad she put on it, so that was good. Before I was able to open my eyes or sit up, I asked someone to grab me the juice I had thought of before-- that's what they had given me last time I fainted. I think Chris got it and put it near me, but even after the cut was bandaged, I couldn't sit up for a little while afterwards. No one left the room until I was mostly okay again, which was nice. Chris also got me some peanut butter crackers to eat and I just sat around for about a half hour until I really felt okay enough to walk around.

I decided to rebandage the cut too, since I didn't want it the scab sticking to it. I got some hydrogen peroxide, some neosporin, and a box of spiderman band aids and went into the bathroom to do everything. It was still bleeding a little, and the sight of it made me a little bit lightheaded again, but I did what I needed to. I needed to change the bandage two more times, but by the end of the night the wound looked much cleaner. It will probably take awhile to heal completely just cuz of where it's located, but eh. It's really NOT a long cut at all, but it IS kinda deep, which probably made it bleed a lot.

The whole incident made my nausea go away for awhile though! heh And "Kevin" decided to order pizza for everyone (which almost never happens) and didn't make me pay cuz he felt bad or something. :p

Yes, it was slightly embarrassing, but hell. I AM kinda surprised I had such a bad reaction, because the sight of blood hasn't bothered me in a long time. And I should note that other people's blood doesn't bother me too much, though I have no idea how *I* would have reacted if the tables had been turned, and one of my coworkers was bleeding and passed out in the office. So I have to give major props to them for handling it so well.

In better news, I got some spending money from my parents for my birthday and I used a bit to buy The Assassination of Richard Nixon! I'm getting it through amazon.com since it's cheaper on there than at Newbury Comics or anywhere else I've seen it. So now there's no excuse for not seeing it :p (though I even doubt I'll be watching it for awhile just cuz I'm so busy over the next two weeks!)

New Name

Hey guys, just wanted to give you the heads up.

Since I'll be getting rid of AOL sometime this week, I won't be able to use Guiteau4Ambssdor as my AIM name anymore. I also won't be able to get email at dancinfishstick anymore (obviously) so if you have to send me something, use the hotmail addy.

I haven't decided what my new sn will be, so I'm open to suggestions. :p

Anyway, just warning you all.

Now back to feeling under the weather and having to slave at Brooks from 1-9 anyway. :/

10/22/2005

Choose Your Own Title. DO IT!!!

definitely went overboard on crap again today. had two cookies, some weird thing cookie thing at my parents' house, a slice of pizza, a small 3 Muskateers bar, a slice of my beloved pumpkin pecan cheesecake (and it was everything I dreamed it would be), and then a cupcake when I got back to the apartment. And that's just the outright junky stuff! And this is why I don't see the 10,000 calorie day ever happening with me, haha.

But this isn't ICA, so moving on. . .!

I was completely reminded why living away from home is a good thing. God, my parents bicker CONSTANTLY and even when it's nothing aimed at me, it's annoying to listen to.

Luckily all my stuff is now unpacked at the condo. My computer desk arrived some time this past week, so I set my books and stuff up on that. There's a few little odds and ends I need to find a place for, but otherwise, I'm done.

Before we went out for dinner, my Mom and I took a ride to this dairy farm/bakery that's just five minutes away from the condo. So many adorable Holsteins! We got to see some being milked and they also have a bunch of steers that they keep in those oversized doghouse like things (*I* know what I'm talking about! :p). Anyway, the store there has a ton of delicious looking and cheap baked goods and sweets of all kinds. We got a box of cranberry orange scones and although I haven't tried one yet, they look promising.

I like the Slatersville area. It's very quaint and reminds me of the type of town you'd find in NH or VT. It's a little further away from stuff than I'd like-- there's really only a Stop & Shop, a Brooks, and a few other stores nearby-- but then again, at least the area hasn't been completely overrun with chain stores and the like. Not yet, anyway.

The Babbit paper is ALMOST finished. Once I found out it wasn't due on Wednesday last week, I completely stopped working on it. Before I sat down to work on it tonight, I honestly had forgotten most of what I'd already written! I only have a page left to go though, so I will be able to pull that off tomorrow, no problem. And since my class isn't until 5 on Monday, that gives me plenty of morning time to work on it, too. :p

And that concludes my boring entry for today!

It's Worth Mentioning That

everything has been fine/crazy as usual despite the past few entries. If it sounds like I've been down, I'm not, it's just the nature of the subject I was writing about.

Today I'm going to the condo to set up my computer and other assorted things and then I'm going to the Cheesecake Factory with my parents. The pumpkin pecan cheesecake cannot hide from me any longer! Bwah! Then I have to continue working on my semi-forgotten about Babbit paper tonight and I need to read more Heidegger for philosophy. Just when I thought the stuff I had to read for that class couldn't get any more difficult. . .ugh.

Rich and his brother recently got the game Shadow of the Colossus and it looks intriguing. Although I'm willing to bet I'd spend more time riding the horse around randomly than actually looking for and fighting the colossuses (colossii?)!

Gah, speaking of horses, the Mustang spooked at something when I was taking him out of the barn and practically jumped on me. I didn't get stepped on or knocked over, and actually I'm not even 100% sure what happened. Neither of the other horses were bothered by anything, so I hope he wasn't just being a brat. I used to like the Mustang a lot-- he's adorable, almost pony-sized and a really lovely dapple grey, which is one of my favorite horse colors, and he was always so well-behaved. But over the past few weeks, he's becoming increasingly annoying to work with. He tries rubbing his head on me when I go to put his halter on, and he *has* almost stepped on me a few times when turning him around so I can close the gate behind us. I don't know what the problem is. It could even just be a result of the colder weather; sometimes horses get a little crazy when the weather changes.

10/21/2005

Elaborating

So, continuing with the subject from last time. . .how did I learn to deal with these instances? Let's see. . .

I'll tell you what didn't work, and that was blaming everyone else's actions on myself. I always felt that if I had been important/worthy enough, the other person would have followed through with whatever was in question. That fueled the self-destructive tendencies big time a few years ago, cuz I felt like everything was my fault. Obviously I was horrible, or else people would treat me better, and so I thought I deserved the pain and unhappiness.

I was going to a therapist at the time and this subject came up fairly often. She asked me why I thought other people would want to treat me badly. I had no idea. I *didn't* think I was a bad person, but there had to be SOMETHING wrong because otherwise people would like me. *She* was even a little perplexed because she rattled off a bunch of good traits that she noticed in me just from our once-a-week sessions.

But something had to change. If there wasn't anything wrong with *me* then everyone else needed to change. . .but how does that work?! It doesn't. It's impossible to change other people and what they do, so the only things that I could change were my reactions to these situations.

It sounds so common sensical now, but at the time it was a thoroughly unsatisfying answer. Nevertheless, I knew she was right and it was one of the few things that people have told me that really stuck in my brain.

It's been a long process. I'm a lot better at letting things roll off my back now. Why?

Well, the most important thing is that I DON'T blame myself anymore when other people don't live up to their promises. I honestly still don't understand how most people "forget" things so easily, but as I said, I'm not afraid to remind people if it's that type of situation.

When it comes to bigger situations, mostly things that have happened in the past, I realize that everything has indeed happened for a reason. I was engaged once and clearly that did not work out. It crushed me at the time (when we broke up) but if we had stayed together, despite our growing in vastly different directions, it would have just gotten a lot worse in the future. Then there are the several guys who hurt me in some way, but again, I only became stronger from each of those instances.

Of course, it also helps to have people in my life who *have* been trustworthy most of the time. My relationship with Rich helped a LOT, for example. Not to say he ever, oh I don't know, *wouldn't* be at his apartment when he said he would be, leaving me sitting outside on the porch steps or anything (haha) but I learned to deal with those little instances instead of being like "wow, I must suck or else he'd care enough to be here right now." Something to that effect. :p

I don't know. This entry was not easy to write because it's another one of those things that happened almost subconsciously. That, and I don't like talking about that really dark time in my life but at least I can see how far I have come since then. It's a little scary, but there's no use in denying how things were.

Off to write a short ICA entry and then Katamari time!

10/20/2005

Same Here

Guess I wasn't done. . .

I was reading someone else's blog today in which this person mentioned how he had been disappointed by someone close to him as a kid, who promised him something and then never followed through.

I can't even tell you how many times I have been in that type of situation. Over the years, so many people have promised to go places, do something, or let me borrow something and then nothing ever happened. And when most of these things happened, several years ago, I was not the type of person to say "hey, remember when you said--"

But having to nag someone to get them to do something they *said* they would bothers me. Why can't people just remember? Maybe I just have an excellent memory or something, because I rarely forget to follow through when I promise to do something for someone. And the times I've messed up, I'm not afraid to apologize.

I had a hard time trusting people in the past because of this. I knew that 9 times out of 10, when someone said "yeah, we'll have to do that sometime," chances are it would never happen. As I was too shy or too scared to be more forward, I used to miss out on things all the time, which just solidified my feelings even further.

So now I don't sit around and wait for other people. I don't know when this transition happened, but so far taking a few risks has only paid off, as far as I can tell. And if someone says they're going to do something, I'm not afraid to remind them cuz it's only fair, afterall.

Maybe I have a little more to say about this, I don't know. I do know that I'm yawning profusely, so perhaps it's time for bed!

So Much Raw Fish!

Rich and I went out for my birthday dinner tonight and yes, as promised, we finally got the 36 piece sushi boat! I don't even know what all the different types of fish were, but there were definitely slabs of salmon, tuna, mutsu (swordfish), eel, octopus, and cooked crab and shrimp (which I didn't eat cuz I don't like how it's prepared). There were also slabs of two other kinds of mystery fish, but all of them were good. There were also an assortment of rolls, including some really good ones with spicy tuna. Besides the sushi, we got crab rangoons as usual and I had a small bowl of miso soup. It was an expensive evening, but I think it was worth it-- especially cuz who the hell knows when I'll get a chance to have it again!

Admittedly, my whole digestive system is still not doing well, but I'm not going to blame it on the raw fish. It could be, but everything's just been messed up for a few days now, so it could be anything. I'm so used to it by now. . .

I don't know what else to say right now. I was gonna write about the research seminar thing I attended and spoke at, but I might just do that in the scandalous notebook instead, as a more permanent way of recording my thoughts.

I completely forgot until earlier this evening that "Kevin's" party is after work tomorrow. I don't know what I'm doing regarding that, I guess it will depend how I'm feeling tomorrow. I was gonna go with Chris, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. He's had to sleep over at the past few Brooks "outings" cuz he tends to get significantly past the tipsy stage, and I'm not sure I want to deal with that. :p So chances are I'll just be coming back here after work, and maybe I will have a pumpkin ale or two while I read Heidegger or play Katamari. My exciting life, hehe.

10/19/2005

Birthday Day

Yeah, I'm 24 now. I'm such an old woman. :p

Thank you to anyone who left me a birthday message today. A lot more people did than I expected to! ^___^

I'm actually not feeling great right now because I ate too many sweets and so my stomach is kinda meh. It has been for a couple of days, so I'm hoping it will be normal by tomorrow so I can fully enjoy the sushi boat! And if not, it BETTER be fine by Saturday cuz I cannot eat pumpkin pecan cheesecake on a messed up stomach.

Oh, so anyway. . .I'm not going to write a long, detailed entry as I had planned. But here's a rundown of today:

-woke up around 8:15, which was NICE. so much better than 5:45 anyway!

-hung around the apartment all morning and wrote what I was going to say at the undergraduate research presentation

-went to said presentation. i will have to explain it in more detail later, because it was actually quite interesting! I was the only *undergraduate* who spoke, everyone else was either a grad student or a professor, so yay for me. I think it went well, although I don't think the dean of arts and sciences appreciated our saying that the history department sucks at funding research (nevermind everything else!), cuz she was immediately like "There IS money available, but. . ." Like I said, I'd have to write a whole entry about everything that was said. A few people came up to me afterwards and said that my paper sounded interesting and it was great that I was so passionate about my subject. yeah, that's me, hehe.

-went to the falafel place on campus and ate way too much.

-went to history, but I was soooo tired by this time it wasn't even funny. I definitely zoned out a lot today. talked to History Boy before class, who I was surprised remembered that today was my birthday. found out that he isn't into partying and he likes sushi. potential? maybe. not sure if I like him *quite* enough to ask him to go somewhere. hmm.

-came back and found that Rob had made a cake! ate too much of it in lieu of actual food. then I started my Nietzsche paper which is due tomorrow, and I'm actually almost done! I don't know how *good* it is, but maybe it'll turn out better than expected.

-and now i'm just sitting around in moderate pain. but overall, today was an interesting day.

10/18/2005

Stupidly Amused By This

Got the idea from one of my message boards.

Type your name and then "needs," all in quotes on Google. Here are the answers I got. . .

"Erica needs to be willing to continue contact with her brothers."

"Erica needs to come home."

"Erica needs a girl." O_o

"Erica needs a big reality check." sometimes!

"Erica needs surgical help." haha

"Erica needs to travel to England to recover gold owed her family and restore the family's good name." that's exactly it, hehe.

I could go on. What else is there to do while I'm waiting for my clothes to dry? :p

Some more:

"Erica needs her pillow fluffed before she goes to bed."

"Erica needs to be spayed ASAP." can't wait, haha

"Erica needs to marry Jack." I don't even know anyone with that name!

"Erica needs some EBM formula if you run out of gift ideas." How fitting for today. :p

"Erica needs wool pants."

"Erica needs to start slipping some twenties to the hair and makeup people, because they're obviously holding a grudge over something."

"Erica needs someone she can throw a vase at." :D

Gah, the fun never ends, lol.

Awesome

Well I just got off the phone with Dr. Rusnock a few minutes ago. Apparently we're representing not just the history department, but Humanities in general! All the other presenters are from science and engineering departments but we're there to say "hey, other departments do research too!" She said she's going to mention in *her* speech the whole lack of funding for the history department in general, and how it's difficult for us undergrads to get grants for our projects, etc. etc. She wants me to mention funding in *my* part too and that at least the RI Labor History Society was kind enough to throw me some $$. :p

I only have to speak for five minutes, so I'm completely not worried. I'll just outline some things during my break tonight and I'll just take a notecard with my tomorrow. The presentation is in the MU Ballroom tomorrow afternoon, and only 20-30 people will be there, which isn't bad at all. But like I said, I am representing a huge chunk of the undergrad population, not just history, so I have to go up there and kick ass. Hehe.

And since tomorrow IS my birthday ::ahem:: I also called Sharon and told her I wouldn't be able to make it in the morning. I told her it was due to this undergraduate presentation thing, but seriously. . .would YOU want to get up at 5:45am on your birthday to go shovel shit for 2 hours?!

I guess that's it. I have to get ready for school/work now.

(Well, I technically have a paper on Nietzsche due on Thursday, but the chances of it getting done are slim. Real slim. Unless he makes some things much clearer today in class, I honestly don't even know enough to bs my way through ANY of the questions. And this kid from my class just IMed me a link saying how Thus Spoke Zarathustra is the worst way to introduce someone to Niet cuz it's so complicated. Thanks Galen! >;p)

10/17/2005

Infamy Continues

I kinda love it. >:)

I saw Dr. Sterne again today and she was like "Oh, Erica, did you get the email from Dr. Rusnock yet?" and I just blinked and looked quizzically, cuz I had no idea what she was talking about.

Apparently, this other professor asked Dr. Sterne who had done well on their papers last year because she wants someone to talk at a presentation about undergraduate research. Or something. So of course she recommended me and so Dr. Rusnock would be sending me an email with more info, assuming I'd be interested.

I hadn't received it as of early this afternoon, but it was waiting in my hotmail inbox when I got back tonight. Sounds like she just wants me to talk about my experiences, especially with traveling. The whole thing is from 1-3 on this Wednesday, so it's kinda short notice, but I think I can come up with something. I need to email her to found out a little more info. . .I have no idea if this is a presentation for other professors or students or what. In any case, should be interesting.

And in other, even better news: my Babbit paper isn't due until Monday now! Yay! More time to put off finishing the last 2 pages! Unfortunately my Nietzsche paper is still due Thursday and I haven't even touched it. Two people from my class have IMed me, just as clueless as I am about how to answer ANY of the questions. with Kierkegaard, I was able to do so well on that paper because he actually went over it in class. This time, he hasn't gone over practically ANY of the reading because people have been doing presentations instead. He's supposed to go over it a little more tomorrow, but freak, I'll only have ONE day to write the thing. It's only two pages, but still. Not looking forward to that.

Only other slight thing. Maybe you saw the (now) private entry, maybe you didn't. Rich and I talked last night. He may be going on a date with someone soon and I said that I have a few prospects. But that's really as much as I'm saying here. I kinda have no idea what's going on in that realm of my life nowadays, a total turnaround from before, but it doesn't really bother me. I don't like being single, but I'm not going to sit around and cry about it. ;p

Well, that's all for now. I'll stop with the weird entries for awhile, but the placenta shampoo story might be worth telling, haha.

ETA: Yeah, just replied to the professor's email. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into cuz it sounds like a formal "session," not like last time, when all I had to do was speak to the new 400 level sequence kids! Gah, I might have to call her tomorrow to clarify some things and I'll have to be thinking about what to say. Luckily I found my notes from when I talked to Dr. Sterne's class, so I'm not completely helpless. :p

Dreams and Nightmares


Lately I've been having some pretty crazy dreams.

I guess that's not too unusual for me. I don't remember many of the dreams I have, which is fine by me, seeing as most of my dreams are actually nightmares. About 95% of them have to do with someone searching for me, intending to kill me or else I'm the one doing the killing. It's awful either way. I don't know if they started after the incident that I mentioned a few entries ago, though that would make sense. A lot of dream dictionaries say that, similar to the "Death" tarot card, when it happens in a dream, it means big life-changes are underway, especially if you are the victim. I think the ones in which I'm doing the killing disturb me more. I don't feel like a sociopath. :/

LUCKILY the two most recent dreams I've had did not follow the pattern. They've still been weird. And slightly eerie.

Okay, first of all, you know that I'm down with reading tarot cards. I think I do it pretty well too, seeing as every spread I've done has been accurate. . .and they were things I could not predict. I always write down in my (scandalous!) notebook which cards are in which position, and occasionally you would swear I had gone through the deck and picked out which card I *felt* should be in whatever spot because they're so dead on. In any case, I don't read them a whole lot and even though, as I've said, I've gotten accurate readings, I am always a tiny bit skeptical.

So, my dream. The short version: my parents were sitting in front of me, and my Dad was holding my tarot deck. They were both telling me NOT to use them. I don't even think they said much else, they just kept admonishing me not to read them. I must admit I was considering it before I had this dream, but now. . .

Creepy.

And this isn't the first dream I've had like that, either. A long time ago I had a similar dream, though I don't remember who told me not to use them in that one. I stopped for awhile, it's only been in the past month or two that I took them out again.

Even though I'm slightly skeptical, I must say both these dreams make me wonder about things. O_o;;

The second dream was weird but for a slightly different reason. I was in a coffeeshop or somewhere, and someone I know (who shall remain nameless, though he might not even read this) was also there, but sitting with some of his friends. At some point, he got up but his friends were there for awhile. Before he returned to their table, the friends stood up and were getting ready to leave. . .but I noticed that he had left a messenger bag type thing next to his chair. I tried telling one of his friends to get it, but they ignored me and left.

Not knowing if he'd be back, I decided to grab and bag and see if his cell phone was in there. If not, I'd call him and let him know I had his stuff. But I ended up finding his cell phone in there instead, and for some reason I flipped it open. It was in some kind of notepad-like mode and in it were written a few sentences about yours truly. It was a little weird to read, but not completely unexpected. Nevertheless, I put the phone back and then the dream ended.

The dream itself wasn't the strange part. What *was* strange is that, at some point this week, I have talked to this person in some way, shape or form (I love being vague, hehe). And sure enough, he said/wrote something that was almost EXACTLY what had been on the cell phone in my dream. I couldn't believe it.

Why can't I have normal dreams, about being able to fly or something like that? I get tired of having nothing but weird ones all the time.

And don't worry. I'll continue writing amusing entries again soon. :p

10/16/2005

Oh man

Today was a fun/ny day at work. I don't have time to write a full entry right now, but the day included:

-The "I don't need my nipples" woman
-testing out the placenta shampoo
-much fraternizing
-Brooks ghost stories
-and also searching for the worst smelling hair product

We actually got stuff done though, but Lora's not around this week anyway. Maybe I'll have to go into detail later, cuz some of this stuff was priceless.

I have also been invited to "Kevin's" birthday party next Friday. I might go with Chris. Well, not "with" Chris, but we'll probably carpool. :p

10/15/2005

Why I Get Hostile

It never freaking fails.

If I go out to a coffeeshop by myself, I'm going to get looked at my some random guy. Even when I'm *not* alone it happens.

Hell, even yesterday, when I was at Dunkin Donuts during my break at work, there was a guy at the counter who distinctly turned and looked at me four times! And once on the way out.

I don't find it flattering, I just find it annoying.

I went out for coffee tonight and yep, it happened. The guy even said "bye" to me when I walked past his table to the exit, but I just pulled my notebook closer and pushed open the door. What can I say, I'm a bitch sometimes.

I know why I take such offense when I'm given unwanted attention. It goes back to something that happened to me during my second year of college.

I'll try to make this brief. I don't like talking about it in an overly detailed way online anyway.

Tiny bit of background: I was in a long distance relationship, but my bf had no problem with me befriending guys because I have *always* preferred the company of males to other females. Throughout my first year I had met and hung out with various guys without any sketchy incidents (none that i couldn't handle, anyway). So I was perfectly used to going out with guys on a strictly friends-only basis, and it was always fine.

That's why I was totally unprepared for this incident. I became somewhat friendly with a guy in one of my classes, in that we joked around before the professor walked in. He complimented me sometimes cuz he liked my pseudo-punk style but it never seemed as though he was *interested* in me as more than an aquaintence. But that was no wonder, since I frequently mentioned my boyfriend in class-- maybe never directly *to* him, but what did it matter?

So one day, when he asked me to go somewhere with him on a Saturday night, I said sure. How many other guys had I gone places with? Several. Why would this be any different?

To make this much, much shorter. . .

He DIDN'T know I was taken and when he found out, he became irrationally angry and upset with me for "leading him on." We still ended up going out, but it was an awful time and I was almost afraid to be with him because he was a lot bigger than me physically and obviously emotionally unstable. When nothing bad happened that night, I thought I was safe. We stopped talking before class and as weeks passed, I felt a little bad about what had happened, but mostly stopped thinking about the whole disaster.

But he did not forget.

Later in the semester, out of the blue, he threatened me and I was very frightened he would do something. I got the professor and the campus police involved, but because of some weird rule, there wasn't much they could do. Since he knew where I lived, I didn't even feel safe in my room or anywhere else on campus. I was honestly paranoid until the end of the semester, afraid that maybe he'd even get some of his friends to spy on me or something (I had met some of them that night). I literally walked around campus with one hand around a can of mace or something pointy at all times. I was always looking over my shoulder and constantly scanning the area for anyone that even looked remotely like him.

Nothing ever happened, and I never even saw him again after that semester. But from that point on, that's when I started getting annoyed by guys who so much as looked at me. I had a boyfriend anyway, so there was no need for such attention and I didn't feel bad about brushing everyone off. Afterall, I didn't want anyone else to think I was interested when I wasn't, so strongly shooting people down was the best way I knew how.

Well, that was many years ago now. Maybe it doesn't sound that scary/bad, but believe me, it was terrifying at the time and for awhile afterward. Some of that attitude still remains with me though, of wanting to make sure guys don't even think they have a chance, and it does relate directly to that incident.

That's all I have to say for now. One of the big scary insects is crawling around on the living room wall, but he's too high for me to reach him! Most bugs don't bother me, but these things are just disgusting. And huge. And fast. Rich killed the last one we saw, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to get this one. As long as it stays out of the bedroom and the kitchen, I don't mind too much. But if I ever found one of those things in the bed or something, I'd freak out. :p

10/14/2005

Cuz I Don't Have Two Papers to Write or Anything


I wrote an entry a few days ago but never quite finished it and therefore never published it.

You see, since the semester IS already halfway through, I have started thinking more about what to do from here. The completely practical part of me says "Go work in retail or *somewhere* to make a little money and do that for a little while until you decide where to move or go to grad school." But lately I've been really drawn to doing research again, not for a degree or anything, but on my own terms/time and eventually writing a book or something. I feel like there's so much more to learn and find out about Czolgosz (see pic!) and especially his ties to anarchism and socialism. The assassination is secondary, I'm more interested in the man himself. I don't know why I find him so compelling, but interest in him has certainly surpassed interest in Guiteau (there's not much to prove. . .dude was insane, haha). Maybe it's because so many sources I have read on him or the assassination are so quick to label him as a cold-blooded anarchist murderer or as someone who was obviously insane and thus easily influenced by those crazy radicals. I have never found him so easy to pinpoint.

But anyway, the idea of researching and writing is highly intriguing right now. Of course, doing that would NOT put food on the table and that's a problem. And also, I would definitely need to travel to find sources-- to Buffalo, yes, but possibly to Michigan (where he lived most of his life. . .I'm sure there would be SOME kind of info there, maybe even about his family) and to other states across the US. Even if I got a small grant somehow, from somewhere, I don't think it would be feasible. And working full time while also doing research would not work-- researching IS a full time job! When I went to Buffalo, I spent 8 hours a day reading sources, taking notes, scrolling through microfilm, and even just sitting around thinking how to piece together everything I had discovered. Admittedly, I guess I could get by just researching a little each week instead of being hardcore every day, but you know me, I like getting things *done.* I'm afraid I wouldn't feel like I was accomplishing enough and maybe quit the whole endeavor. I never know though; I'm a hard one to gauge. :p

Well, it's just one idea, just one thing that maybe I'd like to do.

One thing that's been bothering me in a small way lately is that I'm no longer feeling as gung ho about leaving RI as quickly as possible. Maybe it's because the last time I did, most of the ties I had to people and other things here (like the barn where I rode/kept my horse at, for example) were severed, and nothing was ever the same. Strangely, this didn't bother me much at the time, but I never used to get too attached to anything. Being detached made it easy to leave my boyfriend, my friends, my family and everything else behind without too much saddness or stress. But I am not that way anymore and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be that way again. However, therein lies the problem; I know that leaving RI and everyone and everything in it would be more difficult this time. If leaving is what I'd need to do, I *would,* but I wouldn't be as indifferent this time around. Or telling myself that I didn't really care too much, that I didn't need to. Having emotions is a good thing. :p

I'm just rambling, as usual.

I'm not stressing over this, in fact I don't think I could be calmer about it. It *is* stuff I need to think about though because the time when I will need to decide is coming up rapidly.

In other news, I'm going up to the condo tomorrow to start unpacking some stuff and deciding what things I want to keep boxed and in storage. I am kind of looking forward to it since I only saw a general model of what the place would look like, but not with the actual colors, appliances, etc. my parents chose. Speaking of them, it's amazing how our relationship improves ten-fold when I'm NOT living at home. So hooray for that.

Okay, maybe I'll go work on my Babbit paper now. Maybe. ;0

ETA: Czolgosz related note. . .one of the highlights of my trip = getting to hold the actual paper his statement to the press was on. He didn't write the lines, he only signed the paper, but still. I touched the exact same paper that he did back in 1901. Gah. (btw, his statement was this: "I killed President McKinley because I done my duty. I didn't believe one man should have so much service while another man should have none.")

10/12/2005

I Miss FMC

I still check in from time to time, but I certainly don't "live there" like I used to.

That's a good thing, I suppose, though I some ways I miss it. It's so much easier to deal with things that aren't really happening. :p

I'm not sad. Well, not more than a little bit. My teeth/gums have hurt all day, and glands on the left side of my face are swollen, along with the ones in my throat. I know why, and I feel shitty about it.

Maybe I'll just go to bed. Rich is already there and right now I could use the warmth of another person. I kinda miss us just laying around together more than any other physical contact, if you get my drift (heh). So I might as well take advantage of the opportunities while they last. . .

10/11/2005

Brrrr

Rich must have left the window open, cuz I'm freaking cold. If I move the shade to check though, the whole thing will fall off and it's too tall and unwieldy for me to put it back in place quietly. Dammit, guess I'll just freeze.

I'm apparently stuck in the past. Recently I've referred to Rich as my boyfriend and North Kingstown as still being my home several times, without thinking. It doesn't feel right to call the apartment "home" though, and since I haven't spent any time at the condo, no wonder why my automatic answer is NK.

I went driving last night and listened to all of Into the Woods. I forgot how much good stuff is in that musical.

I developed both rolls of film today. I got a lot of nice pictures of various things though some of the things I had been hoping would come out well didn't. Such is one-hour processing. :p

Today at work, Joyce basically apologized for what happened last week and then didn't make me ring all day. I told her everything was okay now and that it wasn't a big deal, but that's alright. The only other comment I have on the whole situation is the reason why I didn't approach Lora about my schedule. It was NOT because I'm intimidated by her or even because she was in a bad mood that day-- I could care. She's messed up my schedule in the past and I *immediately* went to her and asked what's up. No, I didn't bother her about it because I didn't mind having one less day at Brooks so I could keep working at the barn M-F. Otherwise, I wouldn't have sat back and said nothing. Just wanted to make that clear.

I'm not tired, but I need to go to bed. Something's been on my mind all day and I don't know what to do. It's nothing serious, but don't expect to see it addressed in here any time soon.

10/10/2005

Bleeding Cotton Candy!

So disturbing, hehe.

I guess I never mentioned any of this in here, BUT, a few weeks ago, Chris and I decided it would be interesting to find out what happens to cotton candy if you freeze it. Since such food experimentation is my thing, I bought a bag of the stuff for like $.29 on clearance and popped half the contents in the freezer, in a sealed Ziploc bag.

Sadly, nothing much happened. Didn't shrink, didn't get crumbly, nothing. It just became very cold. Rich actually tasted a piece (O_o) and said it tasted frozen, for what that's worth, hehe.

Since the freezing experiement had been a failure, it was decided that heating the cotton candy back up was a good next course of action. I meant to do it last night while Travis was still here, but totally forgot about it due to Katamari-related excitement. :p

But I didn't forget tonight!

Just a few minutes ago I put the entire frozen portion on a paper plate and heated it for 30 seconds, just to start with. The outside became a little warm and tough, but the inner part was still kind of cool and fluffy. NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Back into the microwave for 45 seconds. *That* did the trick. The first thing I noticed was that red liquid started streaming from one end of the blob, hence the title. It was quite gross actually, hehe. Then right in the middle of the chunk, a huge intendation suddenly formed and started bubbling. That was much more exciting. I decided not to annihilate the piece completely, so I took a picture of the final product and then tossed it (yes, there's a "before" picture too).

Torturing food is so satisfying, hehe.

10/09/2005

Tastes Like IWW

There won't be any 3 part Boston entry THIS time, haha.

Well, Travis and I finally made it back for an IWW meeting there and it was better than I had expected. Actually, I hadn't known *what* to expect, but the people there were cool, I like the things they are involved in, etc. They apparently meet much more frequently than once a month, so if anything, I just wish I lived closer to Boston so I could attend more of their activities!

We didn't have time to do too much else since the meeting ran a full two hours, but we did manage to go to the Cheesecake Factory this time as well. Pumpkin cheesecake starting October 15th! We just had appetizers and cheesecake but that's more than enough when it comes to that place. :p

Then we went back to the apartment and played Katamari Damacy for awhile because it IS the most awesome game ever. After Travis left, Rich and I watched the end of Scarface on TV and now it's almost bedtime. I almost forgot that tomorrow is Monday and I need to go to the barn ungodly early. ::sigh::

Yeah, so that's the super short Boston entry.

10/07/2005

The Hell With It, I'm Writing

Not about the work situation or anything though. I think everything's been worked out, although now the manager must think I'm a major idiot. :/ Sooooo, yeah. No more craziness there for awhile.

The new Sweeney Todd revival started a few nights ago (previews, anyway) and so far people either love it or hate it. I already know which camp I'd be in just thanks to Patti Lupone's presence. v_v

Sweeney is seriously the best musical of all time. And there are plenty of other people who feel that way, so I'm not too crazy. :p There have been numerous major productions of it since the original cast in 1979, and they've all stayed fairly true to the original. I've only seen it in person once, several years ago in Massachusettes. Even though it was in a tiny church auditorium, it's probably the best theatrical experience I've had, and I've seen a fair amount of plays and musicals. Even though the "orchestra" was only a piano and one other thing (can't remember) everything else was so great that the change was hardly noticeable.

So, being that this is my favorite musical, I've been completely anti- this production from the first time I read about it.

First of all, instead of letting the show take place ::gasp!:: in 19th century London (you know, where the action is SUPPOSED to happen), it now takes place in a mental asylum, and the characters are played by the patients. Plus, it's taken out of its historical context and I'm sorry, but that's so important for like half the themes in the show to work. I guess no time period is given at all, but let's put it this way: Mrs. Lovett wears a fricken' mini-skirt. @_@

The next thing that I don't see working is that the actors all play instruments. Yes, during their scenes-- they ARE the orchestra. I really can't even figure out HOW this works. In some cases, it's almost understandable. Johanna plays a cello, Toby plays a violin, the Beadle plays a keyboard. But again, we have scantily clad Mrs. Lovett playing the *tuba.* WTF?

Also, I think it's a travesty that Pirelli is played by a *woman.* Half the awesomeness of that role is in the insanely high notes the *dude* that plays him (NORMALLY) can reach. It sounds like they've changed the notes all around, cuz the woman who has the role is a mezzo, so I don't think she'd be able to hit the high tenor notes. Maybe I'm wrong. In any case, the idea doesn't thrill me. The Judge is now a tenor though; can't even imagine how he and Michael Cerevis (who played JW Booth in the @#&%*#^ Assassins revival) sound together during "Pretty Women."

I was listening to the OBC on the way to work today and because I hadn't in awhile, I was completely blown away by it all over again. I wouldn't even get out of my car once I got there because it was in the middle of the final scene and I seriously *couldn't* just turn it off. It's not just the storyline (obviously, I know what happens!) but the music and the whole mood are just so perfect. I think it's a shame that this new production deviates so much from the original. Why mess with something that's already perfect?

"Swing your razor high, Sweeney--
hear it singing 'Yes!'
Sink it in the rosy skin
of righteousness!
His voice was soft, his manner mild.
He seldom laughed, but he often smiled.
He'd seen how civilized men behaved,
he never forgot and he never forgave.
Not Sweeney!
Not Sweeney Todd!
The demon barber of Fleet Street. . ."

::love::

10/01/2005

Hiding for a Few Days

I guess not *everything* is fine at work.

I've always said that if a particular situation arose there, I would look for a new job as soon as I found out.

Well, that thing happened.

It's not even something that directly affects me, it's more the principle of the matter. I'm sorry about being so vague, but I've discussed it with several people already tonight and I don't feel like getting into it again.

So, yeah. Maybe my time at Brooks will end sooner than expected. I've done a lot for them and they've been kicking me in return. This was the final straw.

Anyway, I think I am going to take a break from blogging for a few days. I have lots to write, but it's stuff I'd prefer to put in the scandalous notebook. I feel kinda bad, because I meant to write about Matt's wedding and a few other things, but I guess they will have to wait. I'll still be online, if you're privy to talking to me that way, and it's not like I'm in a bad mood or anything, I'm just feeling a bit reserved right now.

With that, see you in a few days.