Cuz I Don't Have Two Papers to Write or Anything

I wrote an entry a few days ago but never quite finished it and therefore never published it.

You see, since the semester IS already halfway through, I have started thinking more about what to do from here. The completely practical part of me says "Go work in retail or *somewhere* to make a little money and do that for a little while until you decide where to move or go to grad school." But lately I've been really drawn to doing research again, not for a degree or anything, but on my own terms/time and eventually writing a book or something. I feel like there's so much more to learn and find out about Czolgosz (see pic!) and especially his ties to anarchism and socialism. The assassination is secondary, I'm more interested in the man himself. I don't know why I find him so compelling, but interest in him has certainly surpassed interest in Guiteau (there's not much to prove. . .dude was insane, haha). Maybe it's because so many sources I have read on him or the assassination are so quick to label him as a cold-blooded anarchist murderer or as someone who was obviously insane and thus easily influenced by those crazy radicals. I have never found him so easy to pinpoint.

But anyway, the idea of researching and writing is highly intriguing right now. Of course, doing that would NOT put food on the table and that's a problem. And also, I would definitely need to travel to find sources-- to Buffalo, yes, but possibly to Michigan (where he lived most of his life. . .I'm sure there would be SOME kind of info there, maybe even about his family) and to other states across the US. Even if I got a small grant somehow, from somewhere, I don't think it would be feasible. And working full time while also doing research would not work-- researching IS a full time job! When I went to Buffalo, I spent 8 hours a day reading sources, taking notes, scrolling through microfilm, and even just sitting around thinking how to piece together everything I had discovered. Admittedly, I guess I could get by just researching a little each week instead of being hardcore every day, but you know me, I like getting things *done.* I'm afraid I wouldn't feel like I was accomplishing enough and maybe quit the whole endeavor. I never know though; I'm a hard one to gauge. :p

Well, it's just one idea, just one thing that maybe I'd like to do.

One thing that's been bothering me in a small way lately is that I'm no longer feeling as gung ho about leaving RI as quickly as possible. Maybe it's because the last time I did, most of the ties I had to people and other things here (like the barn where I rode/kept my horse at, for example) were severed, and nothing was ever the same. Strangely, this didn't bother me much at the time, but I never used to get too attached to anything. Being detached made it easy to leave my boyfriend, my friends, my family and everything else behind without too much saddness or stress. But I am not that way anymore and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be that way again. However, therein lies the problem; I know that leaving RI and everyone and everything in it would be more difficult this time. If leaving is what I'd need to do, I *would,* but I wouldn't be as indifferent this time around. Or telling myself that I didn't really care too much, that I didn't need to. Having emotions is a good thing. :p

I'm just rambling, as usual.

I'm not stressing over this, in fact I don't think I could be calmer about it. It *is* stuff I need to think about though because the time when I will need to decide is coming up rapidly.

In other news, I'm going up to the condo tomorrow to start unpacking some stuff and deciding what things I want to keep boxed and in storage. I am kind of looking forward to it since I only saw a general model of what the place would look like, but not with the actual colors, appliances, etc. my parents chose. Speaking of them, it's amazing how our relationship improves ten-fold when I'm NOT living at home. So hooray for that.

Okay, maybe I'll go work on my Babbit paper now. Maybe. ;0

ETA: Czolgosz related note. . .one of the highlights of my trip = getting to hold the actual paper his statement to the press was on. He didn't write the lines, he only signed the paper, but still. I touched the exact same paper that he did back in 1901. Gah. (btw, his statement was this: "I killed President McKinley because I done my duty. I didn't believe one man should have so much service while another man should have none.")