Underground
Lately, it seems like more people are reading my Facebook profile and, probably going along with that, have gotten my AIM screenname. Nothing wrong with all that, for sure. But the thing is, as soon as I became aware of this, I instantly removed my blog link from both profiles.
Why?
I always joke about being an "exhibitionist with my life," because it's always been true. I've never been one to be secretive with what's going on, whether it's good, bad, or disgusting. Nothing bad has ever come of this, not as far as I can tell. I've always felt that if someone can't deal with my ups and downs, well, there's the door.
But for some reason, I've started feeling uncomfortable and don't want some of these new people I've met to read the thoughts I put in here, and especially in ICA. I rarely write things in here that would surprise anyone, but still.
I have different levels of trust when it comes to people. With complete strangers, I tend to be very quiet and may not even talk. With classmates/some coworkers, I tend to make small talk, usually about general stuff, or things that pertain to the class, etc. Then there are acquaintences and my other coworkers, who maybe I'll talk about slightly more personal stuff with. Hardly anyone tends to progress past that stage with me, but you've heard that sob story before so I won't go there. Moving on, I'll talk about almost anything with those few people I consider actual friends. And then finally is whoever I'm going out with, who gets to hear pretty much everything and tends to be the only person I can truly be myself around 100% of the time.
But regardless, there are *some* thoughts that I keep totally to myself. I don't think ANYONE completely shares everything they're thinking; there's always some small, moldy patch of the mind that remains hidden, even if it's nothing bad or overly important. I think this is normal and what it is changes over time, and may not stay unspoken forever.
As I was saying before. . .
I don't know what's brought about this recent bout of secrecy. I'm sure I'll put the links back up eventually, but for now, I'm content with being hidden.
Back to Nietzsche (yeah, I know that's probably spelled wrong :p ).
Why?
I always joke about being an "exhibitionist with my life," because it's always been true. I've never been one to be secretive with what's going on, whether it's good, bad, or disgusting. Nothing bad has ever come of this, not as far as I can tell. I've always felt that if someone can't deal with my ups and downs, well, there's the door.
But for some reason, I've started feeling uncomfortable and don't want some of these new people I've met to read the thoughts I put in here, and especially in ICA. I rarely write things in here that would surprise anyone, but still.
I have different levels of trust when it comes to people. With complete strangers, I tend to be very quiet and may not even talk. With classmates/some coworkers, I tend to make small talk, usually about general stuff, or things that pertain to the class, etc. Then there are acquaintences and my other coworkers, who maybe I'll talk about slightly more personal stuff with. Hardly anyone tends to progress past that stage with me, but you've heard that sob story before so I won't go there. Moving on, I'll talk about almost anything with those few people I consider actual friends. And then finally is whoever I'm going out with, who gets to hear pretty much everything and tends to be the only person I can truly be myself around 100% of the time.
But regardless, there are *some* thoughts that I keep totally to myself. I don't think ANYONE completely shares everything they're thinking; there's always some small, moldy patch of the mind that remains hidden, even if it's nothing bad or overly important. I think this is normal and what it is changes over time, and may not stay unspoken forever.
As I was saying before. . .
I don't know what's brought about this recent bout of secrecy. I'm sure I'll put the links back up eventually, but for now, I'm content with being hidden.
Back to Nietzsche (yeah, I know that's probably spelled wrong :p ).
posted by Erica at 11:08 AM
2 Comments:
Nietzsche - now there's a philosopher I can relate to.
Did you know:
Upon witnessing a horse being whipped by a coachman at the Piazza Carlo Alberto, Nietzsche threw his arms around the horse's neck and collapsed, never to return to full sanity.
I think there's something in that for all of us horse lovers our there.
Perhaps he also would have written: if you stare into the blogosphere, the blogosphere will stare into you.
---
Regarding the revelation of your inner most self. It's something I've been thinking about.
The process I'm working with at the moment is, reveal yourself if it will produce benefits - such as revealing yourself to someone who understands and you can trust. From those you do not know id you can trust, protect yourself first.
It feels so wrong though to protect oneself from the world - but I suppose that is the reality of the world. There are people out there who will try to hurt you, or try to use your (perceived) vunerabilities against you.
On the other hand, there's the theory of exposing your vunerabilities for all to see, so that you can be broken, but then grow stronger at the broken parts (Hemmingway)
I won't get philosophical right now...
'Moldy patch' of the brain... haha. We all have one of those. Just don't let the mold spread.
By the way, I am also experiencing difficulty balancing security and releasing my innermost thoughts.
You read my last entry; you know the basics of what's on my plate.
-Matt
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