What's Missing?

Remember back a few months ago, when I was pondering what I would do after I graduated? I came to the conclusion that my job would be secondary, just something to pay the bills, and that as long as I'd still have time to do my research and whatever else, I would be content.

In a way, that exact scenario is already playing out. I'm still working in retail and I'm managing to do my research, in bits and pieces, but it's slowly adding up. Somehow the whole situation feels a lot less satisfying to me than I thought it would. Maybe because I'm still at Brooks, seeing no big reason to leave since I got promoted, maybe it's because I'm still relying on my parents to pay for some things. Will I be more content when I have my own apartment? When I'm attempting to pay for everything myself?

I *know* that this phase is temporary, but it's so hard to get that into my head. I can't help feeling slightly embarrassed when people ask what I'm doing now that I've graduated and I tell them I'm still working at Brooks. I'm not sure when I'm going to even start thinking about grad school. That's going to require taking the GREs, gathering letters of recommendation and all that stuff, as well as the more important matters of what exactly I want to go for and where I may have to end up moving. It's waaay too much to consider right now, or anytime in the near future, so that's why I think it may be several *years* before I'm ready.

I think I've been falling into a little bit of a rut lately, not emotion-wise, but just in general. Last year around this time was when I decided to push myself into doing more things that I was interested in, no matter how big or small. This brought about only good changes, and I was able to accomplish almost everything that I set out to do. Doing this research is all well and good, and obviously it needs to be done before I can turn my findings *into* anything, but I think I need some smaller, more immediate goals to keep myself going. I haven't given very much thought to those smaller things lately though, so that's something I ought to do. Once I have a concrete goal in mind, I rarely have a hard time accomplishing it. At the least, I'll give it my best shot. Sometimes I just need to harness my "get out there and start doing it" attitude.