Nothing Interesting Today

sorry!

cornmeal thing for breakfast
whole wheat pasta with eggplant, tomato, white beans, kalamata olives and mozzerella
vanilla ice cream with some lf pb and chocolate sauce
an apple
tuna over salad with little bit of Italian dressing
miso soup
some baby carrots with hummus

Good day.

Yay, Avenue Q!

I love the OCR. . .it's so fun. :D
"If You Were Gay," "The Intenet is For Porn," "My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada," "Schadenfreude," etc. etc. never fail to make me happy, hehe.

Just though I'd drop in that random note. I was getting a little depressed when I couldn't even escape ED-talk on the *Green Day* message boards but Avenue Q did the trick.

Enough Already

Sorry. This post was edited 6/3/05.
I am highly ashamed at myself for censoring it, but hell.

And Cuz I Have To

food for today. . .

1 mango
1 packet of banana walnut oatmeal
1/2 can of white beans with some veggies, a veggie burger, 2 spoonfuls of salsa and 1 slice of cheese
1 good sized slice of strawberry shortcake
almond butter and jelly on wheat bread
1 Cadbury Creme Egg v_v
1 sugar cookie
packet of beef ramen noodles with some veggies
little bit of green juice

Meh, not the healthiest day, but. . .

Little White Frogs

EVERYWHERE! I went out tonight, taking the back way from my house to Rt. 2 and there were frogs hopping across the road the whole way. I feel bad cuz I think I ran over a bunch of them. . .they were too hard to avoid! o_o;;

Hm, there's a lot of random stuff running around in my mind.

Toasty.
Yeah, I found Toasty dead in his cage a few nights ago. He was up in the afternoon, which I thought was a little strange since he normally doesn't come out until night. Well, nighttime came around and he wasn't up. . .I put food in his cage. . .no Toasty. I spoke to him, tapped the sides. . .nothing. I had a weird feeling that something might be up, so I started poking at his nest, which would normally ALWAYS get a response from him. And yeah, he was curled up like he was sleeping, but he was cold. :\ Poor thing. So I put him outside yesterday morning (in this hollow log I found, haha) and I'm sure he's passed into the food chain by now. I'm going to hold off on getting another pet right now, especially of the rodent variety. I might get a Siamese fighting fish just cuz. I dunno. We'll see.

I had another incident this past week of my instincts being correct. One of the girls I work with had been planning a party for awhile, and was going to invite me and two of the other 21+ aged guys (it was going to be at a hotel, so she didn't want to risk being caught with underaged people there!). I was looking forward to it and everything, but the final plans weren't made very well. She was supposed to email or call my house when she found out exactly where and when the party would be taking place since she wasn't sure. It was supposed to take place Friday night. . .well, but Friday evening, right up til when Rich and I went out for dinner, I hadn't heard anything. Stupidly on my part, I didn't have HER number, so I couldn't even call to find out. Well, we went to dinner and then came back to my house, but Rich was gonna go back to his apartment and then pack and leave for VT for the weekend. Cuz he wasn't going to be around, I had no intentions of going to the party alone. . .if she had even called while I was out. Just as I was going to head inside the house, I heard the phone ring. I had a STRONG feeling that it was going to be her, so I stayed in the garage until I could hear that my parents had hung up.

I was right. She hadn't given them any info though, so I again couldn't call. I didn't feel like going to the party anyway, so I wasn't too disappointed. Even though I had wanted to go before, for some reason I just strongly did not feel like it.

And it's a damn good thing I DIDN'T go.

Remember my "incident" at Jocelyn's party? Yeah, well, Chris, one of my coworkers, had his trn Friday night. If I had been there to witness it, I would have FREAKED (people puking. . .AUGH, triggering!!!!!). Now granted, I ruined my no-purging streak anyway (see past entry) but it would have been ten times more traumatic if it had been cuz of that.

We are planning to have another party hopefully in the near future, and hopefully I will go and hopefully no one else will get to that point, haha. I know Chris is done for awhile, but that's what we all say. ;)

Well, I guess that's enough blather for now. I'm working on this little project that combines paganism and Ayurvedic info and it's rather exciting (if you're me :p) so methinks I'm gonna go do that.

Stolen Questionnaire Thing

Yet again, blantantly lifted from Chelsea's journal. Every time I do this I feel like a creepy stalker, but hell.

1. What's your name: Erica
2. What do you wish your name was, instead: Persephone, Bahsbajsajdsabaa, anything else
3. How are you: a little frustrated with myself, but what else is new?
4. Would you ever eat sushi: Would I?! If I could eat nothing BUT sushi, I would!
5. Would you ever eat sushi off a naked body: Hmmm, probably not.
6. Have you considered homosexuality: No thanks.
7. What's your sexual preference: straight as can be; other females generally annoy me
8. What were you in a past life: does the name Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart ring a bell? I so
was.
9. I punch you. Quick, what do you do: Depends who you are. v_V
10. When confronted by Palmer, you...: um. . .?
11. What's your favorite coffee: Starbucks Sumatra, black with Splenda
12. What's your political perspective: liberal
13. Are you my friend: who's asking?
14. Do you consider yourself a poet: I've never written a poem in my life.
15. What do you wanna be when you grow up: If only I knew.
16. There's a naked man in your living room. What do you do: Depends who he is. >:)
17. How stupid do you think you are: I think I'm rather intelligent; it's other people that
are the problem.
18. How stupid do other people think you are: Hopefully they don't think that.
19. Who the hell do you think you are: stuff
20. Is the wonderbra good or bad: Bad; I don't like them.
21. If you could levitate, who would you scare first: I don't think I'd go very far off the
ground, haha
22. What's your favorite fruit: Mangoes
23. Can you feel the love tonight: nah, I'm alone and Toasty doesn't feel "love" towards
other living creatures. ;p
24. On a nude beach you would...: not be there, haha
25. Make up a story with yourself: If only you could read the stories I've written, heh
26. What do you think about contemporary art: I don't know enough to have an opinion
27. Do you like being naked: No
28. If we had proof God didn't exist, what would happen: A lot of people would be in for a
surprise.
29. Do you enjoy cheeze whiz: Hell no
30. What's your position on virginity: hehe
31. On civil unions: why not?
32. On Don Corneo: who?
33. On mosquito bites: ::HATE::
34. On bad sitcoms: What sitcoms? It's all reality TV these days
35. On Network News: I don't generally watch any
36. Are you left handed or right handed: Right.
37. Are you smart: Yes
38. What's your middle name: Beth
39. How many personalities do you have: Four :40. How many piercings do you have: None
41. What was your first word: Up (well, we were waiting for the elevator, so the story
goes)
42. Are you superstitious: Kinda
43. Do you read your horoscope: Sometimes, but I don't believe in it at all
44. Do you believe in that stuff: Astrology, no
45. Can you do a cartwheel: I used to be able to, haven't tried lately
46. Do you have contact lenses: No
47. Do you have a retainer or braces: Had braces, and still wear the retainer at night
about once a week
48. Can you drive: yep
49. Do you snore: I don't think so
50. Do you drool in your sleep: sometimes, hehe
51. Do you lick your envelopes or use a sponge: lick
52. Do you keep a journal: Several
53. Do you like onions: generally
54. Do you like cotton candy: not particularly
55. What instruments can you play: bass guitar, a little (as in, if you know the song I'm
playing, you'd be able to say "Hey, that's [insert song]")
56. Do you like to dance: yes
57. Do you like to sing: only in the car, and only when alone
58. Are you any good at it: maybe I was okay when I was taking lessons, but now O_o
59. Do you like to talk on the phone: not at all
60. Do you like where you live: NO
61. Are you organized: somewhat?
62. Do you sleep with socks on: nope
63. Are you shy: not shy, I just have nothing to say
64. Do you talk to yourself: no
65. Are you a morning person: depends
66. Are you a virgin: hehe, riiiight
67. Are you proud of that: ::shrug::
68. Do you believe in reincarnation: no
69. Do you believe in God: in some form
70. Do you believe in ghosts: yes
71. Do you believe in bigfoot: no
72. How old do you wish you were: either younger so I'd have minimal responsibilities or
old enough to have my life firmly established.
73. What will you name your daughter: >;0
74. Son?: >;0
75. Have you ever thought you were gonna die: sometimes
76. Where do you wanna go: FMC. Barring that, I just want to go to Kentucky. :
Ever...
1. Been kissed: I should say so
2. Done Drugs: nothing crazy
3. Eaten an entire box of Cookies: unfortunately
4. Been on stage: yes!
5. Dumped someone else: yes
6. Gotten in a car accident: only once when I was little, and it was just a fender bender
::knocks on wood::
7. Watched "Choco-Mog Variety Hour": Sounds interesting, but no
8. Been in love: yep

Favorites...
1. Shampoo: don't really have a "favorite"
2. Toothpaste: the Vanilla Mint kind I currently have
3. Soap: St. Ives Vanilla lotion
4. Type of soup: any soup is good soup
5. Room in your house: my room, I guess
6. Instrument: BASS!

Either/Or...
1. Coffee or hot chocolate: Coffee, unless we're talking Dunkin Donuts stuff, and then I'd
have to go with the hc
2. Big or little: and what are you referring to?! O_O hehe
3. New or old: also depends
4. AVALANCHE or ShinRA: ?
5. Chocobo or Mog: ??
6. Vogue or Material Girl: Vogue
7. Jeans or cords: jeans
8. Sweater or sweatshirt: Sweaters
9. T-shirt or tank top: tank tops
10. Skirt or dress: Skirts
11. Wool or cotton: cotton
12. Rose or Lily: roses
13. The way it is or the way it was: the way it was
14. Oldies or pop: oldies
15. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: yes
16. Do you have a best friend: same

In the last 24 hours, have you...
1. Cried: no
2. Helped someone: not my style :p
3. Bought something: yes; a book, a bottle of water, a hummus wrap, and coffee
4. Gotten sick: kinda >:5. Gone to the movies: no
6. Gone out to dinner: no
7. Said "I love you": no
8. Written a real letter: no
9. Moved on: moved backwards is more like it
10. Talked to an ex: no
11. Missed an ex: not in any kind of weird way, haha
12. Written in a journal: yes
13. Talked to someone you have a crush on: no
14. Had a serious talk: no
15. Missed someone: yes
16. Hugged someone: no
17. Fought with your parents: no
18. Fought with a friend: Randi and Jon aren't talking to each other, but irl, no

Do you...
1. Wear eye shadow: daily
2. Put on a "front": no
3. Kiss on the first date: no
4. Have a crush on someone: well, no, but I'm taken
5. Eat with your mouth open: no
6. If you got a tattoo, where would you get it, and what would it be: too much pain, so no
7. What color is your floor/carpet in your room: it's a wood floor
8. What was the last CD you bought: Beck, Midnite Vultures
9. How did you spend last summer: working at Brooks, of course
10. When's the last time you showered: yesterday O_o
11. Are you tired: a little
12. Are you lonely: sometimes; not right now
13. Are you happy: content, but "happy" would be stretching it.
14. Are you wearing pajamas: no
15. Are you talking to someone online: no
16. What are the initials of your crush/interest/spouse: WRM IV
17. What is your astrological sign: Libra
18. What is the sign of your crush/interest/spouse: Scorpio
19. What time is it: 10:29 pm

Fin.

Blimey

I almost went FOUR weeks, but the ice cream sundae of death killed me. And then my parents came home (I swear they have radar) so I still digested about 80% of it anyway. v_v

Today's been an otherwise good day though. I went to Goddard Park and hiked around on the trails with my walking stick (heh) and then I went to Wickford and bought a book from the Grateful Heart. Then I ate a hummus wrap from the deli next to the Midnight Sun and finally I went in there and have firmly decided that when I'm shopping for a skirt or two this year, I am definitely going back there for one. I have embraced my goth and punk sides in the past, maybe I need to go through a hippie phase, haha.

Well, it's snack time. Rich is at home this weekend, so I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I'll probably end up going out for coffee at either Felicia's or Starbucks cuz there's really nothing else to do. I finished my Jehovah's Witnesses paper (except for the conclusion, but. . .) and am a chapter away from finishing the book I need to read for that class. I don't know. I always come up with something.

Cuz I Haven't Lately. . .

see if I can remember this all. . .

almond butter and strawberry preserves on wheat bread
a mango
1 can of vegetable/barley soup with black beans added in
1 whole wheat bagel with blueberry/lemon/ginger preserves
1 date
1 lump of heated up sugar cookie cookie dough (just testing for tomorrow :P)
a few pepitas (seeds)
1 veggie burger with some salsa
1 avocado with some lemon juice and 3 pineapple chunks. cuz I can.

Rich and I are going to Crazy Burger for dinner, so I'll most likely have one of the vegan burgers. Maybe the cookie/rice dream/raspberry sauce thing for dessert too, unless I cave and decide to have my Obesity-In-A-Cup Sundae instead. >: )

Oh, and quickly. . .All Shook Up officially opened last night, which means all the major papers and websites published their reviews today. Mostly they're mixed-negative, which is disappointing. I tend to trust the opinion of the other Broadway forum people though, and as I've said before, they've all been overwhelmingly positive-- even the people who expected to hate it. I don't know. I'm not going into this show expecting the next Sweeney Todd, but musical theatre would be awfully boring if every show was so hugely emotional and all that. So, to sum it up, I am still optimistic. Mr. Hadary has not let me down yet, hehe.

Best. Sundae. Ever. . . .EVER!

It will consist of:

Ben and Jerry's Vanilla ice cream
1 smashed up Cadbury Creme Egg
1 or 2 lumps of sugar cookie cookie dough
chunky peanut butter
chocolate sauce
and I'm debating the use of Reese's Pieces.

I cannot wait for this. It makes me want to laugh evilly and cry at the same time.

Weird Dreams/Stories

I had one last night, but the only ones I remember are from the night before. Actually, they were kinda intertwined, but yeah.

Apparently I was a contestant on America's Next Top Model (haha) and I guess the show was over already because I was trying to get online to see what people on the message boards had to say about me. Yeah, I would totally do that. I was pretty psyched about being quasi-famous, though. :p

Then I was in NYC and it was nighttime and I was searching for Jonathan, haha. Sure enough I met him at the stage door to some random theatre and was like, gushing about his performance and how I really wanted to do my thesis on Guiteau but it had to be related to a social movement and he really wasn't. Yeah, it was funny and hopefully not indicative of what may happen in a few weeks. ;0 And then he hugged me before leaving and I was surprised at how bony he was. I think that was more a projection of how my-character-Jonathan would be as opposed to real-life-Jonathan.

Well, anyway.

Just reading through stories I've written cuz I already did a bunch of reading for school and I already worked on my paper earlier today. I reread the infamous Part IV last week and wow, I'm still taken aback at how awful it is. NOT the writing (haha), but the actual story is just O_O;;. I want to go back someday and edit Parts I and II, finish Part III and edit Part IV. Part V also never got finished, but I never got far into it at all. Then there is Part 2, which is different from Part II (which is all part of No--Part II >:D), but yeah. There's also TJ's Prequel (unfinished) and Jon's Prequel (which is fairly complete). There's the TJ/Jon story, which is the same series of events written from both of their pov's. I never actually finished Jon's part cuz I got to one of those scenes that I just didn't want to write, hehe. It's the type of thing I could bang out if I really wanted to though. Easy enough.

Basically I have lots of bits and pieces of the whole FMC saga written out. Such gems as:
(not actual titles, just all based on their file names :p)

Randi and Jon -- er, I don't think you want to hear about that one actually (hee)
Randi F'd Up -- His misadventures at UConn, msotly concerning his short and rocky relationship with this girl named Nicole
Okay -- Jon meets up with evil ex-boyfriend now that he's been working at his old theatre again; it's not cool
Random -- Andrea, who was part of the O_O situations in Part IV, unexpectedly shows up at the Hirsts' house; also not cool. LUCKILY she faded out of the picture again.
Where Did You Disappear To After the Show Last Night? -- the beginning of Whisky and Jon's relationship, from her pov
TJ's Journal -- Not a story per se, but a journalish chronicle of events in his life and his reactions to events in the others' lives

And there's like a billion more. As I've told people, the entire story could NEVER be written. It would rival the fricken encyclopedia, # of volumes wise. It's hard because all four of my main characters have tons of their own little side stories along with all the things that they go through together. And no, I'm still not making any of them public.

All for now. G'night!

I am So Sick and Tired

of living at home.

Can't even put posters up on my walls. Not with people coming to look at the house. @@
And I know I can't put them up in my room at the new house so there won't be "marks" on the new walls.

There is no foreseeable end in sight. None.

Stackers and espresso? Sounds so easy. Easy to obtain, anyway.

I'm not doing anything, but I'm keeping it in the back of my mind. Otherwise I'm going to be living with my parents for the rest of my life. I'm sick of waiting. I'm 23, I'm too old for this.

Corynebacteria Organisms

Hello everyone.

Well, it's Spring Break and I'm not in FL this year, but I'm still managing to not do a whole lot. :p I've been writing one page of my Jehovah's Witnesses paper each day and just doing a lot of reading (almost done with the Two Towers!) and some writing. There's been another HUGE event at FMC recently (no, no one died, haha) so that's been keeping me busy. I've also been bassin' a lot lately, though I am becoming increasingly vexed at my lack of an actual bass. ;p I can play quite a few songs now. . .I've got "Hate and War" down pat, and I can also do "Janie Jones," "White Man (In Hammersmith Palais)," "Guns of Brixton" and "Train in Vain," all from the Clash. From Green Day I can play most of American Idiot and a handful of other songs. None of them are too difficult, but once I get a real bass to practice on, I want to actually learn more about playing in general and not just sit around playing from tabs online. :d Someday, someday.

Speaking of Green Day, I think I'm lapsing back into obsessive fandom again. Don't remind me how I'm missing their concert at UMass-Amherst cuz I'm VERY rather upset over that. The trip to NYC better kick a lot of ass to make up for it! >:( ;) And I think my American Idiot shirt is gonna be "worn til death" like all of the past Green Day shirts I've owned. Honestly! Way back in the day I had a Dookie shirt that I literally wore until it was yellow (it started out white), stained, and torn. When it was too gross to wear to school I wore it to the barn. When it was even kinda sketchy to wear riding I used to wear it to bed as a nightshirt. When it was too gross for even THAT I just kept it in my closet cuz I couldn't bare to get rid of it and I think it wasn't until just a few years ago that I decided to toss it. O_o Then I had a shirt from the Warning tour that also went from being an everyday shirt to being a barn shirt as it grew increasingly marked up and the hole in the armpit kept growing. My AI shirt is in good condition so far, but I do wear it like 3 days a week. Well, my obsession could be worse. Back in 10th grade, all my shirts pertained to the band Bush (hahaha). Just counting from memory, I think I had. . .oh, about 6 different ones. Maybe more. Yeah, I was excessively hardcore into them at the time of Sixteen Stone and Razorblade Suitcase. ;0

*******

I had a slightly embarrassing moment at work today.

There's this girl that comes in every so often and I am very suspicious about her. She's very skinny, has cheeks swollen out to here, and she always has marks just behind her knuckles. Did I mention that she always buys a few pints of Ben and Jerry's and a bunch of other junk food? With lots of diet soda? HMMMMMMMM. Well, I was up front putting up some razors when she was ringing out her usual batch of goodies. She was the only person in line, and as soon as she left I said "Well, I know what she's up to," outloud. I didn't think I had said it very loudly, but my coworker who was at the register heard me.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

I didn't want to explain, so I was just like "Oh, nothing." And I left the area quickly to go back to my aisle.

Well, the cashier didn't forget about it and she asked me AGAIN what I had meant the next time I went up front. So I didn't lie, and I told her that I think the girl she rang up is bulimic and I gave her my short list of reasons why.

Then my coworker was like, "But you eat junk food all the time and you're skinny."

I was just like "Yeah, well. . . " and then luckily she got a customer and I escaped unscathed. v_V

Actually, I'm glad she seems clueless cuz I was pretty sure she knew. She was there the day I openly flaunted having Smartfood and a pint of ice cream during my break. . .and then found to my horror that the toilet wouldn't flush after I er, you know, meaning the lovely mix of ice cream and popcorn was there for anyone to see. Well, this girl went into the bathroom like two minutes after I did and when she came out she immediately went to Sarah, one of the managers, and seemed to be whispering to her about something. Oh yeah I was scared! I thought FOR SURE I was in for it, but nothing was ever said.
This girl was also there the night when we were up in the office and somehow Sarah mentioned that she caught one of her daughter's friends purging. My coworker was like "Ugh, I hate throwing up, I could never do it on purpose" and I blurted out "Making yourself do it is NOT the same as being sick!" And then the room grew quiet, haha. I immediately shut up after that and was very glad when the subject changed. VERY glad. Ugh.

I've been doing well though. If anything, I could probably stand to eat a little more than I have been, but I'm always glad to err on the side of too little rather than too much.

Well, that's about it for now. I have to work again tomorrow and I'm not sure what I'm doing in the morning beforehand. I think on Thursday I'm heading up to P-Place and then maybe Rich and I will go out to dinner since he'll be back from St. Louis. Or I know he mentioned that his friend George is around so maybe we'll be getting together with his crew Thursday or Friday. I don't know.

(<>,,+)

I Wish. . .

. . .annoying shit would happen to someone else for awhile. >: (

First of all, I went to accounting after class today. Asked about the hold and the mysterious $819 refund. She said she would get in tough with the bank about whether or not the check was ever processed. If not, I'd get ressued one. If so, I'd be held responsible for *repaying* that amount. She couldn't tell me why I was refunded, said that the people in Green Hall should have been able to answer that for me. GRRR.

So, I came home and looked back in my savings account records, since I knew it listed the amount all your deposits were. Sure enough. . .9/10 = $779. So now I'm going to have to pay them back. Actually, no. I'm gonna go BACK to Green Hall and try asking someone ELSE why I was refunded in the first place. I really just want to know how to get this hold lifted so I can register for a summer class! >: ( $819 is about how much I have in the bank right now; I certainly can't spend it on tuition. My parents will HAVE TO help me out, if worse comes to worse.

Then, yesterday, I got a letter saying they've selected me for JURY DUTY. I'm not going. I don't care. >:( It would be any time from July 2005- July 2006. I'm going to say that I may not be living in the state, going to be moving during that time. It is slightly possible that I will be. Who knows, I'll probably still be at URI trying to get my degree. >:(

(No, honestly. If any more shit goes down, I may just drop out. This is getting ridiculous.)

At least all I have to do over spring break is write my Jehovah's Witnesses paper. I have lots of notes already, so it shouldn't be too tough. I'll start that on Monday and hopefully finish most, if not all, of it. It's not actually due til early April.

Oh, and did I mention I gained 6 lbs, too?

>:(

Espresso Kicking In?

Actually, I'm a little tired. All in all, the Starbucks drink didn't act as hoped. v_v

I did manage to get some studying done for history though, and all in all I'm not too worried. Jen and I are meeting at Bagelz before class to go over anything, and I'm gonna get to campus early and review everything a few billion times by myself beforehand.

I already wentover my food list, and although I'm not thrilled with everything on it, at least I can say I was ::ahem:: "good" today. I even had a very strong urge to cuz I was very full after eating my kichadi for dinner but I did not. Now it would just be nice to be able to get through more than a week without doing it. I feel like it's been a while since that's been the case. Hard to know because I haven't really been keeping track.

I feel like writing, but my characters are being boring. :p I remember this old suggestion I read one time, that if you become stuck with your story to have something happen like the doorbell ringing, or the phone ringing, or something to that effect. But even trying that yielded no stellar results.

Scenario: The phone rings.

Whisky: Rushes to pick it up, hoping it's Jon. It's a wrong number. She goes back into the living room to read.

Randi: Doesn't answer the phone. His parents are in their bedroom and he can hear them complaining about who's calling at this time of night. From what he can tell, it stops ringing before they actually reach for it. I'm not too sure what he's doing otherwise. Going through old notes or something.

Jon: It's his cell phone, so he answers it right away and it's Alan. This could be interesting, but I just don't feel like writing about them. He decides to talk, and maybe they will decide to meet. I really don't see this becoming anything unusual.

TJ: Is watching TV and studying for his Embalming class at the same time. Then he needs to read over some packets about possible funeral home internships so he can decide which ones he wants to apply to. Again, not anything I really feel like writing about in detail. Oh yeah, the phone. Well, maybe one rings in the TV show he's watching instead. No need to wake up the whole family. :p

Alright, I'm gonna go listen to music for awhile and maybe something will come to me. If not, I should probably go to bed soon anyway.

I Really Did

eat a ton today. Look. . .

the rest of this cornmeal thing I made yesterday
a pluot (plumot? some weird fruit)
big ass thing of kichadi (indian dish with basmati rice, mung dal beans, tofu, lots of veggies and spices)
2 scoops of vanilla ice cream over some apple crisp
1 Oreo
6 Mini Eggs
2 Hostess Cupcakes
small container of apple sauce
Starbucks canned Espresso thing (fatty! 17% sat fat cuz there's cream in it! >:( )
1 thai noodle bowl with some frozen veggies
2 scoops of ice cream with 2 Oreos and little bit of chocolate syrup


Oh, and I cancelled my therapist appointment. Hopefully they'll only call me one time to remind me to make an appointment, and hopefully it will only be the counseling center secretary and not HER.

Anyway, back to cramming for my big History of RI midterm. :\

pg. 47

I'm actually writing stuff today, but first, LOG:

oatmeal with spices and raisins and maple syrup
curry with brown rice and frozen veggies and tofu
2 chocolate/pecan turtles :p
1 Fastbreak bar (these always make my teeth hurt)
1 can of Red Bull (but it didn't give me wings today, dammit v_v)
cinnamon raisin bagel with lf cream cheese
small Dunkaccino
1 can of NE clam chowder
little bit of apple crisp

So that's that.

First of all, thank you Matt for your comment. ^___^ (yay, the fat anime face!) I am still firm in my not-wanting to share my stories with anyone. One of the biggest obstacles *besides* the fact that they are private is that I will NOT, under any circumstances, change any of my characters names. And as you readers may know, several of my characters are at least semi-modeled after living people. Unless I changed their names, I could possibly be sued, if they were ever published and someone acually noticed (heh). I didn't dare tell my therapist that, cuz she would have chewed that "excuse" apart a billion different ways. @_@

I've been thinking about the whole therapist stuation all day. At one point, I was ready to call the couseling center tomorrow and cancel my appointment for this week and then just not go back. Ever. I am still considering that as an option. I think I am going to give it ONE more week, however. It's going to be difficult though because 1) I've been having very good days lately, 2) I've decided I DON'T want to see the psychiatrist cuz I don't think I really NEED drugs and I am positive she's going to bitch and whine about me being unreceptive or something like that. Or she's going to be like "Okay, your choice" but in a really snotty way. Seriously though. Maybe I *don't* actually need to see her. All the things we touched on last week (a list of "issues" that I thought we should work on) don't seem to fit. FMC and I have been living symbiotically, I had a decent latter-half of the week socially, and I've been in a good mood. I just feel like if this continues til my appointment on Thursday, she's going to question (literally) why I'm even there.

What's tricky is that I KNOW this won't last for a long time. You know me, you know I have mood swings. I have for years. So what happens when I DO get in that really low spot again? I want to learn how to get myself out of it without doing anything self-destructive but I admit that's hard to work on unless I'm actually in that depressive state. Wait, maybe that's why she makes me feel so bad during my sessions-- cuz she *wants* me to fall apart! That makes a little it of sense. ;p

Well, if I feel as bad after my next appointment as I did last time, I really just may call it off. The worst thing that could happen would be the therapist calling my house, asking where I have been. I don't even know if the therapist is permitted to call, or if the secretary always does. I wouldn't care about that. But if Mary Jane (shut up, that's her name. . .I only wish I were referring to something else O_o) were to call, I have no idea what I would say. Even if I told her I always leave feeling worse than when I come in, I think she'd still be unkind. Gah, it's so not fair.

Tomorrow I gotta go to Green Hall and try to work out this thing with financial aid and how I supposedly "did not pay" for this semester, thus barring me from registering for summer courses. I am starting to really hate URI. I'm fed up as it is cuz I'm not graduating in May, and now this crap. I feel like I am never going to get out of here. >: (

Guess that's all for now. I have a RI History midterm on Thursday that I am not looking forward to. It's so much to memorize and so much to write. I got an A in the same professor's History of Labor class though, and the set up to his exams are exactly the same for this class. Well, I'm not too worried. I don't think he'll let me down when it comes time for the final grade. ;)

You Know What

as usual. . .

a few lf Triscuits with brie
4 lf cinnamon rolls
a bite of macaroni and cheese, a bite of stuffing and 1 potato wedge, plus a piece of the cornbread from Boston Market
1 biscuit and 1 piece of corn bread with most of a little packet of butter
some corn
some fried apples
a slice of peanut butter pie with whipped cream on top (so good!)
1 Odwalla Superfood

I've thoroughly raised my Kapha dosha today, so I think I'm gonna wait til tomorrow morning to eat again, at breakfast. :p

NOT HELPFUL

I hate the URI counseling center. I thought I just had a bad therapist last time, but no. Unless I've just gotten unlucky a second time, the method that they use is just awful.

I was having a pretty good day today, but since I left therapy, I've been feeling worse. Much worse. Bad enough to binge as soon as I got home. >: ( That would NOT have happened if I had not gone. Something's not right about that.

I don't even know exactly how to describe what the problem is. It's like she listens to me, but I feel like she wants me to constantly PROVE why I am there. Like what I'm saying isn't so bad, and that she thinks I'm too willful or something, so I won't see things her way. Not saying that's actually what's going down, but that's how it feels to me. I wish I could give a really good, clear example of what I mean. I just feel like SHE is very condescending (in a way) and not listening. As a tiny example, she wanted to call Health Services and make an appointment for me to go for the first half of my examination with the psychiatrist. She wanted to make it right then and there, but next week I have stuff going on so I wasn't entirely sure of my schedule. I told her I would rather wait and make the appointment next week. Big deal, right? She was like "You can't even think of ANY times you're going to be free next week?!" WTF?! WHY IS THAT SUCH AN AWFUL THING?!?! I do NOT think I was being unreasonable and she freaking lashed out at me. I mean, she honestly looked/sounded annoyed by this! It made me feel awful and I was already feeling like 2 seconds away from crying cuz we had been talking about FMC and it's a touchy subject. She doesn't seem to get that either. She doesn't seem to understand that I can't just "turn it off" and she was like PRESSURING me to write out my stories and try to publish them. And then when I said it's not something I want to do because they are so personal, again, she got all huffy. She seemed to think I am just being difficult and that I secretly know that's what I should do. Or something. ARGH. Randi and I are both upset, so take that biatch. >:(

Anyway. . . .I'm sticking with it for the rest of the semester. She may be one of the people that continues seeing students during the summer, but I will only-- ONLY-- keep seeing her if the situation turns around. We are still technically in the "beginning" stages, with me telling her about all my stuff, so maybe once we get past it she will be helpful. At this point, I am doubtful.

Maybe I should just get some good self-help books instead and figure it out for myself. ~_~

I was going to Ayurveda, but I don't feel like it now. I need to make dinner.

You Know the Drill

food:
oatmeal with raisins and spices
1 thing of chocolate rice milk
1 double chocolate donut
1 small can of peas with 1 small jar of marinated artichoke hearts and some tofu
2 slices of wheat bread, 1 with almond butter, 1 with strawberry preserves
1 oatmeal cookie
4 Oreos (forgot about these earlier v_v)
1 veggie burger with bbq sauce
2 brownies
torpedo roll with chicken, lettuce and tomato and some kind of cheese sauce stuff
1 Guiness
some popcorn

Lots of sweets. >;0

Finally, A Healthy Day

Food log:

1 whole mango
1 whole wheat bagel with cc and honey
falafel from International Pockets. . .mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ^_____^
container of applesauce
1 Cadbury Creme Egg
egg and cheese on a wheat bagel
1 packet of brown rice with 1 yellow squash, some baby carrots, 1 serrano chili pepper, some ginger root, and tofu

I win!

For Good Measure

Food log.

oatmeal with some spices and maple syrup
3 blackberries
corn muffin
medium snickerdoodle coffee, black with sugar
1 Cadbury Creme Egg
mac and cheese Lean Cuisine (somewhat)
B&J's Peace Pop (somewhat)
can of vegetarian chili with a small can of asparagus spears and a bit of salsa
container of applesauce

Today was not enough. Better luck next time.

I Can't Do This

I don't feel like I can recover. I still want to, but I just can't seem to stop. I threw up blood today, which scared the shit out of me. Not a lot, but it was definitely there and it was definitely blood. That has never happened to me before. :(

Work just kills me. I don't know why. That and having class around lunch time, so I can never really have a good meal in the middle of the day. I think that sets me up for trouble later.

I just felt blah all day though. It wasn't helped by the fact that Jen was not in class this morning and I had been hoping to chat. And I felt bad because I ran into Travis again (see earlier entry) when I was walking into the classroom, but I couldn't bring myself to even say hi. Still too embarrassed. I think the other reason I'm stupidly worked up over the Starbucks incident hearkens back to what happened with the kid in my Spanish class at UT. I was just being friendly to him too cuz I *am* usually more comfortable talking to guys than girls, but he took my actions the wrong way. I'm not scared of anything like that happening again-- not consciously anyway. I do think it factors in, though.

I've been reading ED *recovery* message boards for the past hour or so. I scan through the exercises they suggest and everything, but all I can think is, "that's great it works for other people but it won't work for me." :( Again, I feel like there's that invisible wall up between me and whatever will help me get over this. Like I literally feel as though I have some kind of mental block against it. I don't know what it is. I'm scared to talk about this with my therapist on Friday because I told her during the first session that I considered myself to be doing "pretty well." I don't think I HAVE done "pretty well" during the two weeks that have passed since then, but I don't want her to get mad at me like Allison did the time I mentioned a slip-up to her. :((

I want to sign up for the yoga class in Wakefield that starts next Monday. But I don't feel like I deserve that either, especially cuz it costs $80. ::sigh::

I wish this were not happening. I'm sorry (to anyone that reads this). ._.