I Can't Do This
I don't feel like I can recover. I still want to, but I just can't seem to stop. I threw up blood today, which scared the shit out of me. Not a lot, but it was definitely there and it was definitely blood. That has never happened to me before. :(
Work just kills me. I don't know why. That and having class around lunch time, so I can never really have a good meal in the middle of the day. I think that sets me up for trouble later.
I just felt blah all day though. It wasn't helped by the fact that Jen was not in class this morning and I had been hoping to chat. And I felt bad because I ran into Travis again (see earlier entry) when I was walking into the classroom, but I couldn't bring myself to even say hi. Still too embarrassed. I think the other reason I'm stupidly worked up over the Starbucks incident hearkens back to what happened with the kid in my Spanish class at UT. I was just being friendly to him too cuz I *am* usually more comfortable talking to guys than girls, but he took my actions the wrong way. I'm not scared of anything like that happening again-- not consciously anyway. I do think it factors in, though.
I've been reading ED *recovery* message boards for the past hour or so. I scan through the exercises they suggest and everything, but all I can think is, "that's great it works for other people but it won't work for me." :( Again, I feel like there's that invisible wall up between me and whatever will help me get over this. Like I literally feel as though I have some kind of mental block against it. I don't know what it is. I'm scared to talk about this with my therapist on Friday because I told her during the first session that I considered myself to be doing "pretty well." I don't think I HAVE done "pretty well" during the two weeks that have passed since then, but I don't want her to get mad at me like Allison did the time I mentioned a slip-up to her. :((
I want to sign up for the yoga class in Wakefield that starts next Monday. But I don't feel like I deserve that either, especially cuz it costs $80. ::sigh::
I wish this were not happening. I'm sorry (to anyone that reads this). ._.
Work just kills me. I don't know why. That and having class around lunch time, so I can never really have a good meal in the middle of the day. I think that sets me up for trouble later.
I just felt blah all day though. It wasn't helped by the fact that Jen was not in class this morning and I had been hoping to chat. And I felt bad because I ran into Travis again (see earlier entry) when I was walking into the classroom, but I couldn't bring myself to even say hi. Still too embarrassed. I think the other reason I'm stupidly worked up over the Starbucks incident hearkens back to what happened with the kid in my Spanish class at UT. I was just being friendly to him too cuz I *am* usually more comfortable talking to guys than girls, but he took my actions the wrong way. I'm not scared of anything like that happening again-- not consciously anyway. I do think it factors in, though.
I've been reading ED *recovery* message boards for the past hour or so. I scan through the exercises they suggest and everything, but all I can think is, "that's great it works for other people but it won't work for me." :( Again, I feel like there's that invisible wall up between me and whatever will help me get over this. Like I literally feel as though I have some kind of mental block against it. I don't know what it is. I'm scared to talk about this with my therapist on Friday because I told her during the first session that I considered myself to be doing "pretty well." I don't think I HAVE done "pretty well" during the two weeks that have passed since then, but I don't want her to get mad at me like Allison did the time I mentioned a slip-up to her. :((
I want to sign up for the yoga class in Wakefield that starts next Monday. But I don't feel like I deserve that either, especially cuz it costs $80. ::sigh::
I wish this were not happening. I'm sorry (to anyone that reads this). ._.
posted by Erica at 11:42 PM
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