My Mind Is Everywhere
Seriously, I've been fretting about things that have already happened and everything that's about to happen. I can't get my mind to just stay in the present at all. I had a major downturn before work today, mostly cuz of Rich leaving incredibly soon. I mean it was so bad when I got to work that Chris told Heather before he left that he was worried about me cuz I seemed so upset. :/ But being at work usually helps my mood, and today was no different. It also helped that I got to talk to Heather for awhile.
Next weekend is definitely going to be tough and there's no way around that. And I'm scared because I feel like the only way I'm going to be able to get through this is by hardening myself again. I do mean emotionally. :p Believe it or not, I used to have a hard time getting attached to anyone because I simply wasn't used to having anyone around to be attached to! It felt needy to want someone there, maybe even annoying cuz I was so used to spending my time alone. As a result, I was not very emotionally "there" in my first few relationships. Sure, we had good times and I was sad when the breaking-up eventually happened, but I bounced back with relative quickness. Even when I was with Nick, this state persisted and I know it was an occasional problem. I definitely was not into being affectionate, and sometimes I really didn't want to be touched at all. As a result, going to TN was not much of an issue. We talked on the phone nightly, and on IM, and that was good enough for me.
Things took the biggest downhill turn after Nick and I broke up. Talk about Ice Queen. . .it's almost troublesome that Kevin didn't seem to mind. It got to the point where he'd come to my dorm in VA, and I'd pretend not to be there, hiding on my bed in the darkened room, hoping he'd eventually go away (a few times it actually worked). And when we were together, it wasn't better. I physically shoved him away-- I hated the feel of his arms around me, I came up with any excuse not to kiss him. I made him sleep on the floor even, because just his presence next to me in the tiny dorm room bed was revolting. Of course, I was dealing with the ED and more at this time, so that didn't help. I was just a stoic shell.
I guess it was Damian that started to get through to me, but I don't need to tell you that it was with Rich that I learned it was okay to truly care about someone. For the first time I was actually sad when we were in different states and I no longer felt like physical contact was just something to endure-- it can be a good thing! We were also able to talk about anything, which is necessary when you're with someone like me. :p
Unfortunately, this open-ness is only making this separation so much harder and \ this is one of the things that's currently causing a ruckus in my mind. It was easy for me to become comfortable with Rich because our relationship was such a good one. But continuing to wear my heart on my sleeve is probably just going to get me hurt, and then what? Life would be easier if I could get back into that shell of indifference, but do I really want to force myself to be so cold again? I don't even know if I *could* go back to that; I certainly don't *want* to.
******************************
Interview tomorrow morning, as I said. I'm going to get up several hours before it so I can eat a proper breakfast, maybe do some yoga, and I'll try to have a list of references made up in case I'll need that. I also want to look at a few more things online in case I get asked certain questions, like which area would I prefer to be in charge of and why. Stuff like that.
You know you'll be hearing all about it tomorrow no matter what happens. :p
Next weekend is definitely going to be tough and there's no way around that. And I'm scared because I feel like the only way I'm going to be able to get through this is by hardening myself again. I do mean emotionally. :p Believe it or not, I used to have a hard time getting attached to anyone because I simply wasn't used to having anyone around to be attached to! It felt needy to want someone there, maybe even annoying cuz I was so used to spending my time alone. As a result, I was not very emotionally "there" in my first few relationships. Sure, we had good times and I was sad when the breaking-up eventually happened, but I bounced back with relative quickness. Even when I was with Nick, this state persisted and I know it was an occasional problem. I definitely was not into being affectionate, and sometimes I really didn't want to be touched at all. As a result, going to TN was not much of an issue. We talked on the phone nightly, and on IM, and that was good enough for me.
Things took the biggest downhill turn after Nick and I broke up. Talk about Ice Queen. . .it's almost troublesome that Kevin didn't seem to mind. It got to the point where he'd come to my dorm in VA, and I'd pretend not to be there, hiding on my bed in the darkened room, hoping he'd eventually go away (a few times it actually worked). And when we were together, it wasn't better. I physically shoved him away-- I hated the feel of his arms around me, I came up with any excuse not to kiss him. I made him sleep on the floor even, because just his presence next to me in the tiny dorm room bed was revolting. Of course, I was dealing with the ED and more at this time, so that didn't help. I was just a stoic shell.
I guess it was Damian that started to get through to me, but I don't need to tell you that it was with Rich that I learned it was okay to truly care about someone. For the first time I was actually sad when we were in different states and I no longer felt like physical contact was just something to endure-- it can be a good thing! We were also able to talk about anything, which is necessary when you're with someone like me. :p
Unfortunately, this open-ness is only making this separation so much harder and \ this is one of the things that's currently causing a ruckus in my mind. It was easy for me to become comfortable with Rich because our relationship was such a good one. But continuing to wear my heart on my sleeve is probably just going to get me hurt, and then what? Life would be easier if I could get back into that shell of indifference, but do I really want to force myself to be so cold again? I don't even know if I *could* go back to that; I certainly don't *want* to.
******************************
Interview tomorrow morning, as I said. I'm going to get up several hours before it so I can eat a proper breakfast, maybe do some yoga, and I'll try to have a list of references made up in case I'll need that. I also want to look at a few more things online in case I get asked certain questions, like which area would I prefer to be in charge of and why. Stuff like that.
You know you'll be hearing all about it tomorrow no matter what happens. :p
posted by Erica at 11:25 PM
1 Comments:
haha, if only I had read your comment an hour ago! He did ask me which department I'd choose out of four, and yeah, I kinda jumped at one over the others. Oops. I think it went pretty well overall, but I'll make a long entry about it later.
PS-- for some reason your cell phone number wasn't saved when I put it into my phone the other day, so is it the same as what's on your Facebook page? if not, can you IM me with it? hopefully my phone will obey this time. v_v
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