Oh Well
Who's surprised that I'm at the apartment tonight? I'm not!
On Friday night, Chris said he would call me today and let me know what time we'd be meeting at the restaurant. Not only was he supposed to call me, but another girl as well. I wanted to see if he would live up to his word.
He didn't.
I was getting tired of sitting around the apartment, so I decided to go to a semi-nearby coffeeshop instead. I would probably get there around 8:30, so I figured I would leave my cell phone on until that time and then once I got there and sat down, I'd shut it off. We were supposed to meet at the restaurant for 8:30 or 9, and since I live a good 30 or so minutes away from there, I was hoping he would NOT call last minute.
My phone did not ring, so I shut it off as planned. If he called me after that, well, too bad. You're probably wondering why I didn't just call him myself, but that wasn't the point. I hate one sided relationships, including friendships. If someone says they will do something, I expect them to at least make an attempt. It's 9:40 now and I haven't turned my phone on since 8:30. Maybe he did call, but by that point I wasn't even in the mood to go out anymore.
I do feel bad about this.
(I really should have just called him.)
Today's been frustrating though. Last night was too. Rich and I got into one of those "so when do you think you'll be leaving?" conversations, and that always makes me feel like he's trying to nudge me towards the door. I can't go *anywhere* until early next year and that's all there is to it.
Then I went home today and it was not the most pleasant experience. I always call on Friday night to tell my parents if I'll be able to stay for dinner, etc. and every time my Mom always sounds like she can't wait to see me. But then I get to the condo and the reception is never as warm. We had to take a half hour drive to go pick up a piece of jewelry she had fixed and for once I decided to tell her about some of the things that have been going on in my life. I don't know why I think her response is ever going to be different. All my parents care about is "so what can do you do with your history degree after you graduate??" to which my answer is never satisfactory because you CANT do anything with a BA in History that is directly involved in the field.*I* have come to terms with this, they have not. Will not? I tried telling her about some of the other plans I have been tossing around in my mind, and all I got in response was "right, but those things aren't going to pay," and other encouraging comments. Eventually I gave up and stopped talking. And yes Rich, she is still unhappy that you and I are not together. :p
All these things just left me feeling very ungrounded tonight, hence why I ran and hid in the coffeeshop and then the bookstore for a little while. I have been somewhat productive though; I started preliminary work on my History paper and started looking up some info on my 2nd TOP SECRET PROJECT (which isn't top secret at all-- I've mentioned it several times in here and to most people I know!), so that's good.
Anyway, gonna go curl up on the couch with a book now. Rich and Rob probably went to see Walk the Line cuz they figured I'd be out, which is too bad because I really wanted to see it (or Harry Potter :p).
On Friday night, Chris said he would call me today and let me know what time we'd be meeting at the restaurant. Not only was he supposed to call me, but another girl as well. I wanted to see if he would live up to his word.
He didn't.
I was getting tired of sitting around the apartment, so I decided to go to a semi-nearby coffeeshop instead. I would probably get there around 8:30, so I figured I would leave my cell phone on until that time and then once I got there and sat down, I'd shut it off. We were supposed to meet at the restaurant for 8:30 or 9, and since I live a good 30 or so minutes away from there, I was hoping he would NOT call last minute.
My phone did not ring, so I shut it off as planned. If he called me after that, well, too bad. You're probably wondering why I didn't just call him myself, but that wasn't the point. I hate one sided relationships, including friendships. If someone says they will do something, I expect them to at least make an attempt. It's 9:40 now and I haven't turned my phone on since 8:30. Maybe he did call, but by that point I wasn't even in the mood to go out anymore.
I do feel bad about this.
(I really should have just called him.)
Today's been frustrating though. Last night was too. Rich and I got into one of those "so when do you think you'll be leaving?" conversations, and that always makes me feel like he's trying to nudge me towards the door. I can't go *anywhere* until early next year and that's all there is to it.
Then I went home today and it was not the most pleasant experience. I always call on Friday night to tell my parents if I'll be able to stay for dinner, etc. and every time my Mom always sounds like she can't wait to see me. But then I get to the condo and the reception is never as warm. We had to take a half hour drive to go pick up a piece of jewelry she had fixed and for once I decided to tell her about some of the things that have been going on in my life. I don't know why I think her response is ever going to be different. All my parents care about is "so what can do you do with your history degree after you graduate??" to which my answer is never satisfactory because you CANT do anything with a BA in History that is directly involved in the field.*I* have come to terms with this, they have not. Will not? I tried telling her about some of the other plans I have been tossing around in my mind, and all I got in response was "right, but those things aren't going to pay," and other encouraging comments. Eventually I gave up and stopped talking. And yes Rich, she is still unhappy that you and I are not together. :p
All these things just left me feeling very ungrounded tonight, hence why I ran and hid in the coffeeshop and then the bookstore for a little while. I have been somewhat productive though; I started preliminary work on my History paper and started looking up some info on my 2nd TOP SECRET PROJECT (which isn't top secret at all-- I've mentioned it several times in here and to most people I know!), so that's good.
Anyway, gonna go curl up on the couch with a book now. Rich and Rob probably went to see Walk the Line cuz they figured I'd be out, which is too bad because I really wanted to see it (or Harry Potter :p).
posted by Erica at 9:35 PM
4 Comments:
Gah, I'm sorry that happened to you tonight. I don't know what the deal is with those people you work with? Although I should as I knew people like that in past. In fact one girl was so bad that she once agreed to meet at the Warwick Sbucks which as you know is 40 minutes or so from me, I got there and she wasn't around. I waited for 20 minutes, called her phone and got voicemail! Then I left after about an hour, and 2 days later she called and said sorry, something came up! She did things like that a few times, completely one sided as you might guess.
As for me, well I've been trapped around the house all day as you know. If I were in better condition today we could have done something (even though those bozo's didn't call you) as I can't stand being stuck at home ALL DAY! But alas, this is what I have to deal with.
Oh well, at least I got to read through Sterne's attack on my thesis :p
I don't know what's up with the people I work with either. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm only going to be there for another month or so. :\
I've never been stood up before, but I imagine I'd be really upset. Although there was one time that Rich was really late when we first started dating and he got an earful that day, haha. He also got his picture taken so I'll always be able to point to the photo and be like "Oh, and THAT'S the time you were late!" I love being evil. >;)
Yeah, being stuck at home always sucks, especially if it's cuz of not feeling well.
Hopefully Sterne wasn't too hard on you, hehe.
Ow, Ow, Ow.
Should you have called him? I don't know. Is him standing you up likely to continue or was it likely to be something had happened that he was unable to come and unable to call you.
I'd wait to see if to see how this person explains themselves, and make your judgement about whether you should have called or not called then.
I also hate one-sided relationships and would avoid any relationship which is costing me more energy than I'm getting value from.
Life's too short to spend it waiting for people who don't turn up. It takes too much energy. Better to find someone you can just exist with, without all the hassle.
----
Mums.
Damn it. Why can't they just rear us and then butt out of our lives.
I find I'm spend an crappy amount of time reassuring my mum and also defending myself from my mum. It seems to be the reversal of what the mother/child relationship should be. It's a hard fact to swallow, but a necessary one to allow myself just to survive.
I found the movie "I Heart Huckabies" contained a good depiction of harm mother's can do in terms of not providing emotional support to their children. It resonated for me, maybe it might resonate for you?
---
Don't worry about the future. You are smart, articulate, clever, sensitive and hard working. I know because I read your blog. There will always be jobs for you, something to grab your attention, something you can enjoy and excell at and express yourself in. Time is all that is needed, and the opportunities will continue to flow in.
Never forget that. No matter what happens, you will always have opportunities. I've found that it's when I forget that I do, or internalise other people's fears that trouble, in the form of becoming trapped, exhaustion, depression and anxiety occurs.
Ramble, ramble, ramble.
Everything turned out okay at work. I don't know if Chris ever called because I haven't turned my cell phone on today, but I fed him some excuse about not being able to go anyway.
I'm really not stressed out over the situation. And it's not like he's someone I'd consider dating, he's just a casual friend at best, so there's no hassle.
Haven't seen I Heart Huckabees yet, although I've been wanting to check it out.
My relationship with my parents has never been remarkably close, especially over the past few years. Our personalities and opinions on things are just way too different. I know they worry about my finding a "decent" job, being in a good relationship, etc. because they want me to be okay. I can appreciate that, but at the same time, they make me feel like everything WON'T be alright if my life doesn't go the way *they'd* like it to.
Honestly, I'm not too worried about my future plans. I have no idea what's in store for me within the next few months/years, but that doesn't bother me as much as it used to.
Post a Comment
<< Home