Yeah, I'm Conflicted.

Let me see if I can actually write this entry and NOT delete it. If you've caught any of the past two with a similar title, this is just the same thing rehashed. Maybe I'll leave this one up for more than a day. :p

I am not looking forward to the next few months/rest of the year. A lot of my anxiety's just about the usual issues, but there's another situation that will need to be addressed during this time that I know isn't going to be easily resolved. :/

And how have I coped with stressful situations in the past? With my ED or ther self-destructive behaviors, naturally. But I am making really good progress *stopping* that and I don't want my efforts to, quite literally, get flushed down the toilet, heh. It's tough because I've never learned to deal with stressful situations any other way. The last time I was in recovery, back in 2002, I became suicidal cuz I had no idea how to deal with the depression, anxiety and lonliness I had been covering up with the ED. Things got better once I met Rich and during my first semester at URI because I felt like my life was finally heading in a good direction. But sure enough, as soon as I started getting stressed out that summer, I gave up the fight and fell head-first back into it.

I don't want that to happen again.

I feel so self-absorbed for writing about this stuff all the time, but it has been a huge part of my life for about 7 years now and it doesn't go away that easily. It will go away, though. I refuse to be saddled with this for the rest of my life because it's something I need to deal with before I can honestly throw my effort into anything else.

It *is* a topic that I'm passionate about though. I took part in the planning/running of ED Awareness Week activities at URI last year, and I'll probably be doing it this year too. There's also my story, which I'd like to edit the first part of and eventually complete with the past few years' happenings. My autobiographical tale isn't as exciting or impressive as a lot of others', I'm sure, but people left me encouraging comments when I had it online. Hell, a girl from one of my message boards said my story was "inspirational," which is probably the LAST word I'd ever use to describe my life, but hey. haha.

Nevertheless, there are trying times ahead, and I'm scared.
It's a situation that was always looming in the distance, but was easily ignored. Time's running out though, and things are going to have to be dealt with soon.

I wish it were something I felt comfortable writing about here, but unfortunately. . .

Well, anyway. I don't mean to sound like such a downer, because besides being tired, I think today's going to be a good day! And I don't think Rich, Rob, and I are going to NYC tomorrow but it's alright because I may need to sleep in a few extra hours, haha.