The Conflict Explained
I don't normally write entries in here about stuff I've written about in my notebook ( the notebook of scandal, if you prefer :p). But I've mentioned that something not cool's been on my mind lately and I even explained the situation to a few people (well, Chris and Jen), not so much for advice but just cuz I needed to vent.
Rich, I hope you don't mind me making this public. If you do, I'll delete it.
We have been together for almost 3 years now and, as a whole, they have been great. They have not always been easy-- Rich has put up with a lot more from me than I'm sure many other guys would have. But we have also had a lot of fun times and especially because I am serious about being healthy nowadays, one would think that things are only going to get better.
But.
You wouldn't probably say that Rich and I have a ton of things in common, but I don't necessarily consider that a problem. We're both fairly easy going when it comes to things-- I've watched a lot of movies he's wanted to see, for example, and he probably knows more about musicals than most other 22 year old guys, haha.
Unfortunately, two of the biggest things we downright disagree on are making our future questionable. First and foremost, if we were to get married, Rich wants at least one child. I don't want any. Period. I have about a billion reasons, but that would take up another whole entry, so we'll just leave it at that simple fact; no kids. Secondly, I don't particularly want to stay in RI. But Rich is already established and happy in his current job here, and no reason why he shouldn't be. He likes what he does, gets a great salary and benefits, and gets along well with his coworkers. Although he's said he might *eventually* like to move, maybe to Texas or somewhere, I'm guessing that would not happen for quite some time. The only other branch of his current company (that has software engineers) within the US is in St. Louis. I've never been there, but I'm not too sure it's a place I'd like to live. :/ Similarly, Rich seems less than enthused when I mention wanting to live in either Tennessee or Kentucky, or at least somewhere around there.
What are we going to do?
We've known about these disagreements for awhile, but it always seemed like something we could worry about "later." Unfortuantely, "later" is coming closer and closer, and we're facing some tough decisions.
I am not willing to budge on the not-having-a-kid issue. I am *more* willing to compromise on where I'd like to move to and hell, if it REALLY came down to it, I guess remaining in RI would not equal failing at life. :p I mean, come on, I still don't know what I'm doing after I graduate, so my living options are really wide open
We managed to talk about it a tiny bit tonight, but the idea of us breaking up is something neither of us really want to think about. Hell, I've been in a previous long term relationship that fell apart around the 3 year mark, and it was awful. I was so depressed and was already facing so much confusion and disappointment with every other area of my life that Nick calling our relationship off just completely crushed me. It's no surprise I jumped into Kevin's arms what. . .two weeks later? I would like to think that if I had had an ounce of self-worth, I would have realized that dating a guy I disliked from the first time we met was probably not the smartest idea in the world.
But at least with Nick, things had been going downhill for awhile. I knew he liked Chelsea, I even knew that they made a better couple, but I refused to let him go because I needed that one constant in my life. With Rich and I though. . .as I kinda said, nothing's really wrong. I'm in a MUCH better spot life-wise than I was back in 2001, but it just seems so pointless for us to separate.
What if we really can't come to a conclusion that makes us both happy though? What if we know that we AREN'T going to be together in the long run? When is it time to say goodbye, in that case? :(
Well, I'm ending this entry here. Maybe I'll write a little more on the matter later. There's a huge cockroach nearby that keeps clicking ominously and it's kinda freaking me out, heh.
Edited to add:
Ate the rest of my sandwich from the deli, read some stuff online and finally I'm back. I guess there's not much else I can say about what I wrote. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but damned if I can see the reason behind this right now. I don't like uncertainty. I wish I could fast forward several years from now, just to catch a glimpse of what's to come.
The only other thing that crossed my mind tonight is an entirely different matter. Maybe it's cuz I've never had much of a social life (although I think, for once, I can honestly say I'm happy with that aspect of my life right now) or cuz my parents basically ignore me, but I find myself frequently wondering if people ever think of me when I'm not around. I know I think about other people frequently, even those whom I haven't talked to or seen in years. I find myself wondering what happened to people I used to be friends with-- where they are, what they're doing, things like that. But I have a hard time shaking the feeling that I am far too unimportant to be on anyone's mind. Maybe it's not true, maybe it is. It doesn't really matter, it's just another thing I was thinking about.
Rich, I hope you don't mind me making this public. If you do, I'll delete it.
We have been together for almost 3 years now and, as a whole, they have been great. They have not always been easy-- Rich has put up with a lot more from me than I'm sure many other guys would have. But we have also had a lot of fun times and especially because I am serious about being healthy nowadays, one would think that things are only going to get better.
But.
You wouldn't probably say that Rich and I have a ton of things in common, but I don't necessarily consider that a problem. We're both fairly easy going when it comes to things-- I've watched a lot of movies he's wanted to see, for example, and he probably knows more about musicals than most other 22 year old guys, haha.
Unfortunately, two of the biggest things we downright disagree on are making our future questionable. First and foremost, if we were to get married, Rich wants at least one child. I don't want any. Period. I have about a billion reasons, but that would take up another whole entry, so we'll just leave it at that simple fact; no kids. Secondly, I don't particularly want to stay in RI. But Rich is already established and happy in his current job here, and no reason why he shouldn't be. He likes what he does, gets a great salary and benefits, and gets along well with his coworkers. Although he's said he might *eventually* like to move, maybe to Texas or somewhere, I'm guessing that would not happen for quite some time. The only other branch of his current company (that has software engineers) within the US is in St. Louis. I've never been there, but I'm not too sure it's a place I'd like to live. :/ Similarly, Rich seems less than enthused when I mention wanting to live in either Tennessee or Kentucky, or at least somewhere around there.
What are we going to do?
We've known about these disagreements for awhile, but it always seemed like something we could worry about "later." Unfortuantely, "later" is coming closer and closer, and we're facing some tough decisions.
I am not willing to budge on the not-having-a-kid issue. I am *more* willing to compromise on where I'd like to move to and hell, if it REALLY came down to it, I guess remaining in RI would not equal failing at life. :p I mean, come on, I still don't know what I'm doing after I graduate, so my living options are really wide open
We managed to talk about it a tiny bit tonight, but the idea of us breaking up is something neither of us really want to think about. Hell, I've been in a previous long term relationship that fell apart around the 3 year mark, and it was awful. I was so depressed and was already facing so much confusion and disappointment with every other area of my life that Nick calling our relationship off just completely crushed me. It's no surprise I jumped into Kevin's arms what. . .two weeks later? I would like to think that if I had had an ounce of self-worth, I would have realized that dating a guy I disliked from the first time we met was probably not the smartest idea in the world.
But at least with Nick, things had been going downhill for awhile. I knew he liked Chelsea, I even knew that they made a better couple, but I refused to let him go because I needed that one constant in my life. With Rich and I though. . .as I kinda said, nothing's really wrong. I'm in a MUCH better spot life-wise than I was back in 2001, but it just seems so pointless for us to separate.
What if we really can't come to a conclusion that makes us both happy though? What if we know that we AREN'T going to be together in the long run? When is it time to say goodbye, in that case? :(
Well, I'm ending this entry here. Maybe I'll write a little more on the matter later. There's a huge cockroach nearby that keeps clicking ominously and it's kinda freaking me out, heh.
Edited to add:
Ate the rest of my sandwich from the deli, read some stuff online and finally I'm back. I guess there's not much else I can say about what I wrote. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, but damned if I can see the reason behind this right now. I don't like uncertainty. I wish I could fast forward several years from now, just to catch a glimpse of what's to come.
The only other thing that crossed my mind tonight is an entirely different matter. Maybe it's cuz I've never had much of a social life (although I think, for once, I can honestly say I'm happy with that aspect of my life right now) or cuz my parents basically ignore me, but I find myself frequently wondering if people ever think of me when I'm not around. I know I think about other people frequently, even those whom I haven't talked to or seen in years. I find myself wondering what happened to people I used to be friends with-- where they are, what they're doing, things like that. But I have a hard time shaking the feeling that I am far too unimportant to be on anyone's mind. Maybe it's not true, maybe it is. It doesn't really matter, it's just another thing I was thinking about.
posted by Erica at 10:19 PM
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