Add

my usual Santa Fe bean and rice Lean Cuisine and some brownies to the list below. ::noise::

Huge Food Day

but alas.

almond butter and jelly on wheat bread
1 soy sausage patty
2 dates
1 bag of brown rice with vegetables, chick peas, salsa and some habanero sauce
1 Klondike bar
(AND I was home alone AND I was full AND I had major reflux but I am still behaving myself >;p)
some raisins
some almonds
a multigrain bagel (like 280 cals) with jelly
2 slices of cantaloupe (or however you spell it)
1 Hershey's nugget

Well, it felt like a ton. Hoping Rich and I will go to Starbucks later, but I'll just be having plain coffee, or, if I'm really hungry, a nonfat latte.

Salty Day

Well, just tonight.

Ended up eating the stuff from before, the coffee as expected, and I almost had the miso soup tonight. I made it, thinking it was the same as the other kind I had gotten. It was the same brand, but instead of being miso with tofu, this one was miso with seaweed. I assumed they would be made the same, right? Wrong. Very, very wrong. Unlike the tofu one, you're only supposed to use 1/2 the packet at a time (mixed in with 1 cup of boiling water). Of course, I didn't realize this until AFTER I had dumped the packet into the water and noticed that it was awfully dark. I quickly boiled another cup of water and dumped it in, but gah. It was so salty I think I only had like half (and it seriously probably was about 90% sodium in two servings), and so I dumped the rest and had the other 1/2 of my wheat bagel from this morning with almond butter.

Just read on the Bway boards that Michael Cerveris, who played Booth in the Assassins revival, will be playing Sweeney when it comes to Broadway later this year (or next year?). I've only ever heard him sing on the Assassins CD and he was the only person in the cast I could actually STAND. So that's okay. No, the problem is that Patti fricken' Lupone is supposed to play Lovett again. She is AWFUL as Mrs. Lovett. She played opposite George Hearn in the concert version a few years ago, which I've seen several times and have the CDs of. I hardly ever listen to them though just cuz her version of Lovett is so painful to sit through. Hell, I'd rather hear Mr. Hadary play Mrs. Lovett. Actually, that's a brilliant idea and I would pay good money to see it, haha. ^__^

So yeah. I guess it's not FINAL yet, but if she gets the role, you can cross that off my list of shows I want to see. Even if it is Sweeney.

Eh, that's all for now. I have to do a little more Holocaust studying tonight and then I'm hoping to finish Dark Horse tonight. So good.

For My Own Benefit

Same old, same old. . .

1 soy sausage patty
1 can of tuna with relish and ff mayo
1 can of ff veggie soup
1/2 a wheat bagel with jelly
skinny cow ice cream sandwich

I'm just gonna have coffee at work and miso soup afterwards. It's enough.

Interesting Day

I guess it makes up for yesterday's weird day, heh.

Well first of all I had this weird ass dream last night. I don't remember the whole thing, but real life Jonathan was in it and I think I was with my family and there were a bunch more people and we were all moving somewhere. Not sure. I do remember I was in a Dunkin Donuts at one point, and I *could not decide* between a chocolate chip muffin and a double chocolate donut. . .so I woke up, haha. That wouldn't happen irl though cuz I don't like DD muffins, they all taste the same. The only way they're good is heated with butter, and even still, that's only for the corn and chocolate chip ones. Oh well, I'm not very fond of muffins no matter what (too much bad stuff, not enough nutritious stuff) so I guess it's not a problem. I don't seem to have a problem with donuts however. :p

So then I went to school and did my Jehovah's Witnesses presentation and I totally kicked ass like I predicted. The professor even said he watched a video on the subject recently and that my talk was more informative and interesting, haha. Then we got the papers back at the end of class and I got an A and a comment that it was "the best in the class." ^___^

I didn't do much during the rest of the day cuz it was too cold out to go to the park, which is what I had planned on doing. I've been reading Dark Horse, a book about the Garfield assassination that focuses more on his election and short presidency than on the actual shooting. It is so ridiculously good I feel like stopping my entry right here and going off to read. :p But I'll be nice and finish first, hehe. It's been making me feel realyl guilty though, because Garfield didn't want to BE elected president (he was a surprise candidate, hence the title), he was dealing with a Senate that fought his every move and a billion office seekers, his wife got really ill, and then just when things were looking up, Guiteau made his move. Ugh.

Then this evening I went to Starbucks to study for my Holocaust final which is going to cover the ENTIRE SEMESTER. O_O;;; I drove to the one in Warwick, only to find that it was packed! Every single seat was taken, so there was no way I'd be able to study. I went to the one in Barnes and Noble and guess what-- it was full too! There was some reading group having a meeting or something, so that accounted for most of the people. So, I drove all the way to the one in EG and thankfully there were just a few people around. As I was waiting for my nonfat vanilla latte, the girl behind the counter nodded at my shirt (the All Shook Up one) and was like "there's an Elvis biopic that's supposed to be on TV soon," and since I had actually just read about that today, I was like "yeah." And then she goes, "the guy who has the leading role [in ASU] doesn't really seem like him." So I of course had to correct her and said "Oh, well, he's not supposed to *be* Elvis anyway, he's just supposed to be like him," since that's the truth. But she didn't get it. Boo. I'm not a militant for Cheyenne or anything, but *I* thought he was really good and I wonder if this chick even saw the show or was just speaking from hearsay. Anyway, it was annoying.

And now I am back home and I'm going to study some more and probably keep reading my book. But before I go, food log:

1 whole wheat bagel, 1/2 with jelly, 1/2 with lf pb
1 banana
1 Hershey's dark chocolate raspberry nugget
1 can of black bean and veggie soup
1 skinny cow ice cream sandwich
2 chocolate chip cookies
1 small slice of maple pecan bread
an apple with lf pb
fish with tomato sauce stuff on top
wax beans
a few almonds
1 soy sausage patty

And I'm still kinda hungry, so I may have some Kashi Golean cereal for a snack.

On a related note, I dropped by one of the ED boards today cuz I had nothing better to do, but I came across a very inspiring thing. This one girl has been b/p free for 361 days. That's almost a year!! Hell, *61* days would be amazing, nevermind 300 more than that. I'm currently on Day 12 (I think) and this is when the going gets tough. 361 might be a nice number to aspire to.

Weird Day

I will respond to the comments about my last entry tomorrow. No, really, I will! ;)

(I'm just referring to the fact that every time I say I'm going to "write later" I almost never do, heh)

But um, yeah. Today was the weirdest day. The morning was fine. Then my mood took a sharp downward turn. I was on my bed, unable to move for seriously about three hours. I was that depressed. :\ It was actually to the point where it was effecting me physically. When I *did* get up, I was having a hard time breathing. Felt like my throat was closed up or something, so that was scary. It was so bad that I considered calling out from work, but I pretty much made myself go.

Things continued to be awful because I still was having a hard time breathing. I tried getting my mind off stuff by singing, but I couldn't for very long. Then, when I got to work, I actually got some pains in my throat and got dizzy and still felt like I couldn't breathe right. It was so horrible, but luckily I got a lot of stuff to do as soon as I got to the store so my mind was distracted.

Thankfully my day and mood got a LOT better, and now I'm at my usual neutral state. I also went from feeling really huge this morning to seeing myself as fairly thin tonight. I really don't know how that works.

Stuff.

Superiority?

Warning: this is going to sound awful of me, especially if you are reading this from LB or TF. But as this is *my* blog, I'm entitled to be honest.

Warning also if you're sick of reading about ED related things. This isn't graphic or anything, it's more of a rant.

I have never been very ED'd. Not compared to a lot of other people. Sure, there have been times when it SEEMED very bad, like when I was in Virginia and when I was taking laxatives and stuff. But I have always been ED-NOS, meaning Eating Disorder-- Not Otherwise Specified because I've never quite met the official criteria for bulimia or anorexia (ha! obviously). Well, that's fine with me. I don't want to be worse, and you know what?

I find myself really annoyed with people whose lives ARE controlled by their ED. I don't understand how people can let it get to that point.

I firmly believe that EDs *are* a choice. I know that to someone that's deeply into one it doesn't feel that way, but what do you think recovery is? It's CHOOSING to eat or CHOOSING to not purge. So even if it feels like OMGIHAVETOBINGERIGHTNOWAUGHAUGHAUGH guess what? No. And it's maybe hypocritical of me to say that, since I *have* felt that way, particularly with the bingeing. Having also recovered almost completely for nearly a year (back in 2002-2003) really drove home the "yes, it IS your decision" point though.

But like I said, it just kind of pisses me off and confuses me when I read about or see someone who is visibly ill. I guess if you're trying to kill yourself, well, good luck with that. There's a certain point where I stop feeling any pity. ::shrug::

I guess it's cuz, as I was saying, I never went totally off the deep end. People on the ED boards warned me that I would. They always tell people that ask about learning how to purge, "No, don't start, it's addictive." Well, that much is true. But a lot of people say if you start purging after normal meals, you're bound to start doing it after binges, and then you're going to start bingeing more often and on more food, and THEN before you know it, you'll be doing it several times a day.

I didn't fall into that trap. No reason why it "has to" go that way.

I don't know. This isn't to say that I'm 100% better cuz I'm not. If you read this or know me, you know that. But I am just so annoyed lately; on the rare occasions that I *do* go back and read ED boards, I can't help rolling my eyes profusely.

Oh, well. At least when *I* stop my ED'd ways once and for all I'm not gonna gain a billion and one lbs. Someone that restricts and b/ps and uses diet pills on the other hand. . .you may be 90 lbs now, but unless you die first, you're gonna stop someday and then it's back to 180. Ha.

Yes, I'm mean. I just don't like when people are dishonest, especially with themselves.

New York State of Mind. . .

Hey, everyone! Sorry I haven't been writing anything interesting, but I've been busy with history stuff. No surprise there. I was supposed to do my Jehovah's Witnesses/Holocaust presentation today but the professor ended up talking for most of the class and we only had time to get through the girl who wrote about Gypsies. Let me just say that compared to what she did, my presentation is going to kick ass. I don't really get nervous about speaking in front of the class, I know my subject fairly well, and I'm a good speaker. I don't think the professor was too enthralled by the Gypsy girl's presentation because she was speaking too softly and just reading off her notecards. *He* actually ended up explaining more things than she did, so I am VERY not worried cuz I'm sure I'm gonna be quite a bit better. Hee.

I WAS glad I didn't have to go today, not cuz I wasn't prepared but because I felt physically awful. I haven't been getting much sleep lately, so I decided to have coffee this morning. BAD IDEA. It just made me feel terribly nauseous (like it sometimes does) and was making my heart act funny, so I was kinda having a panic attack during the whole class. Not cool. I still don't feel great, which is why I haven't had lunch yet. So yeah, I was glad when he was like "We'll start with Jehovah's Witnesses on Monday." ._.

Things have been good eating wise. I have gone. . .almost 10 days w/o being gross, if you get my drift. :p Random chest pains and continued problems digesting stuff (like Chinese food v_v) have been making me think twice, though it's still on my mind frequently, every day.

I think that Rich and his brother Rob and I are going to NYC, not this weekend but next weekend. We're not going to see a show (though we really want to see Avenue Q. . .probably this summer) but we're gonna go to the Natural History Museum and see the dinosaur fossils and taxidermy and other cool things that freak me out at the same time, haha. So I'm all happy over that, hence my title.

Eh, that's enough for now. I'm gonna go read and then see about the lunch thing.

Food Log #1,000,000,000,003

1 cup of Kashi GoLean
some rice milk
a few blackberries
a cinnamon raisin bagel (290 cals worth)
veggies, black beans, salsa, some goat cheese
1 container of plain ff yogurt
little bag of trail mix I made at home (whole almonds, walnuts, pepitas, raisins, dates)
1 Hershey's nugget
2 small stuffies
lf lentil soup

:)

Scary :(

Acid reflux didn't even bother me.

Stomach pains did not make me stop for more than a week or so.

Blood in my puke did not make me stop. For a month, yes, but not for good.

Now I'm having chest pains tonight.

I'm scared.

Why can't I stop?

:*(

Continuing

Now that I'm hopped up on caffeine. . . hehehe

So anyway, as you may know, one main reason I had never been to NYC before is that my parents apparently detest the place. No interest in going there, ever, and it had always been that way. Therefore, I was surprised when, after telling my Mom about our trip, she was like "Oh, maybe you and I should go sometime when your Dad's away!"

::blink::

Seriously. My Mom has always been like "New York City is too crowded/dirty/noisy/expensive!" I don't know what made her change her mind so abruptly. The way she can be though, she'll probably change her mind a billion more times.

She doesn't want to see a show (of course v_v), she mainly wants to go look at all the high-end shops like Prada which I guess would be okay. I doubt anything will ever happen, but I'm still just surprised that she expressed interest in going.

And that pretty much wraps up my NYC related stuff. For now. ;p

Tomorrow I have to bring my $871 check to enrollment services so the hold can be lifted once and for all. I have such a small amount of $$ in my bank account right now it's scary. I'm going to try not going food shopping this week, which means I'll be living off of beans, pasta, and frozen veggies for awhile. Food is seriously 85% of what I spend my money on. Maybe more. The only other thing I spend quite a bit of money on is gas, but that's kinda a necessity, you know? I don't spend TOO much money on other little things, but I really have to cut back more til I can pay my bills in full. ::sigh::

What's scary is the bill for my summer course is probably gonna arrive soon and my parents SAID they would pay for it. Yet, when I asked if they could give me a little bit more than $400 for the other bill, I got a solid no. No possible way. So if I present them with a $300+ bill soon, are they gonna say no again? I don't have that much $$ right now (see above paragraph), so *I* can't pay it. Grrrr, I hate money. HATE.

And I still haven't gotten them to sit down so we could fill out my FAFSA so I won't have to foot the entire bill for my last semester. At this point, it's probably too late. I've tried, I've asked several times, but they're always too busy or not here, or it's nighttime so they don't feel like it, etc. ::second sigh::

Well, I'm gonna go now. Again. Not sure what I'm gonna do for the rest of the night, but I'm a little tired of being online.

My All Shook Up Review!

I've decided to forego a big long entry about the entire NYC trip and instead I'm just gonna write a review of the show we saw. If my journals ever get sold on Ebay, the lengthy NYC entry is in the orange notebook, somewhere in the middle. :p

So!

After seeing ASU, it's easy to understand how this show has gotten overwhelmingly positive reviews from the many people on my dear Bway message boards that have seen it. It's also easy to understand the beef that the few negative reviewers have had, but I think the good parts VASTLY outnumber the "eh."

It's a fun, upbeat, energetic show. It's not Sondheim, there are no profound social messages, and the ending is tied up in a neat little bow. And that's fine! Not every show can or should be Follies or Merrily We Roll Along. If that were the case, I think most theatre enthusiasts would be an even more messed up lot than we already are. Everyone needs to lighten up once in a while and ASU accomplishes that nicely.

The cast was flawless-- and I don't think I've been able to say that about any other show I've ever seen. Even the ensemble members were excellent. And everyone's voices. . .omg, they sang the hell out of these songs. (My only slight complaint was that everyone was overmiked. It was fine when just a few people were singing, but it got just a tad *too* loud during the company songs. Maybe I'm just getting old. ;p).

Of course I have to give a special shout-out to my man, Jonathan. I love the fact that he's not afraid to be a dork, hehe. I have to admit that it was a little weird having him actually be on-stage in front of me cuz even though I'm such a fan, I'd never actually seen him perform before, just heard all of the cast recordings he's been in. I'd really like to see him in a "meatier" role (like Roy Cohn in Angels in America again. . .PLEASE!!!! ^_^ ) but what the hell, I still accomplished one of my life goals, hehe. He was a little over the top, but it fit with the whole tone of the show. Rich and I did *not* attempt to meet him (or anyone else in the cast) at the stage door, but 1) a lot of the time, the stars don't leave the theatre between the matinee and evening shows and 2) we were tired and had other things we wanted to see. If we go back to NYC soon, maybe we'll try stage-dooring then. I would really love to get my Assassins playbill autographed and maybe it would even spark up a brief conversation. Well, I can wish. ;)

ANYWAY. . .everything else about the show was good, too, like the lighting, the scenery, all the technical stuff. Since Rich and I were sitting all the way on the side, some of the special effects were a little hard to see properly (ie. Cheyenne's entrance on the motorcycle) but that's alright. I got the idea, hehe.

I'm not overly familiar with most of Elvis' music, but I think they made very good choices out of (what I'm sure) is a huge variety of songs. The arrangements were great too, and I can't wait for the cast recording, which I believe comes out in May. Hell, I still get random snippets of "Burnin' Love" invading my mind at random points throughout the day. ;p Very catchy.

As you can tell, I could go on for days covering every little aspect, but I think I'll stop there. I would highly recommend this show to anyone, even someone who's not necessarily a fan of musical theatre. Forget the silly Disney musicals and other crap like Rent or BKLYN; the only way you won't have a good time at ASU is if you're a major theatre snob or lacking a pulse. So there.

Oh, and another major perk. . .balcony tickets are only $19.55, which is BEYOND cheap for a Bway show! I would consider seeing this show again and with prices that low, it's very tempting. v_V However I would love to see Avenue Q (especially cuz people that have recently seen it said it's still great as always) but they don't offer any cheap tickets and I don't know of any good discounts. Dammit.

Well, I have more to write on a semi-related subject, but it's snack time. Be back later.

3 Life Goals, 1 Day

I don't have time to get into it right now, but I'll sum it up by saying:
I love NYC
All Shook Up was great
I did not meet, but still have an undying love for JHad ;p
can't wait to go back! ;0

expect details tomorrow. . .

I Ate a Ton Today

glass of 100% carrot, apple, and passion fruit juice
a wheat bagel with artichoke lemon spread
1 mini cheese wheel
2 caramel chocolate Pop Tarts
curry/kichadi thing. . .mung dal, basmati rice, some butternut squash, 1 tomato, 1/2 a big red pepper, green beans and some chick peas (LOTS. . ate for lunch and at work)
a Take 5 bar (chocolatey)
soyrizo, veggies, salsa, cheese (little bit), more chick peas
1 soy sausage patty (small)
a handful of honey wheat pretzel sticks

Maybe I didn't. But I'm still huge.

Good Day, But

feeling exceedingly FAT tonight. >: (
I really shouldn't.

I ate:
the Indian cornmeal dish I make (it's just cornmeal dry roasted with cumin seeds, ginger, turmeric and black pepper, then a little bit of sunflower oil and some coriander powder, then you stir in water til it forms a kinda thick mush; add honey and it's all done. . .SO GOOD) [grain]
9 very small california rolls [white rice. . .meh, and tiny bits of vegetable and protein]
1 slice of apple pie [fruit, crust. . meh]
1 caramel/chocolate Pop Tart [junk]
salad with 1 small tomato, 1 can of tuna, some relish and some lf mayo [veggies, protein]
1 double chocolate donut [junk]
veggies, soyrizo, chick peas, salsa, and a sprinkling of cheese [veggies, protein, dairy]
almond butter and jelly on wheat bread [grain, protein]

And I did a lot of walking around/pushing/pulling/lifting/etc. at work cuz it was delivery day.

Nevertheless.

I've also been disturbed lately to discover that you can in fact feel my ribs quite clearly through my sweatshirt and whatever shirt I'm wearing underneath it. I actually find that kind of gross. o_o

Today was pretty fun though.
I skipped RI History and headed for the park instead. I was just going to walk around and sit down to write and read (as well as stop by Jim's Deli beforehand for lunch) but my Mom wanted to come with me, so my plans shifted slightly. I also spent some time collecting shells and stuff for my TOP SECRET PROJECT (haha), but that's all I'm gonna say about that.

And that's all I'm gonna say period. Goodnight!

The Ticket Situation/I'm So Broke

Hello everyone. Please ignore any spelling errors cuz I've had a few and while I'm not drunk, I am definitely buzzed. :p

So I called Ticketmaster. The lady did not seem very concerned. She just said I have to bring my confirmation number, a photo ID, and my credit cardto the theatre's box office about 90 minutes before the show and they will give us new tickets. I hope it's as simple as that. As I've been saying to Rich, I won't beleive it til I'm sitting in my seatl, hehe.

Therefore, NY trip including All Shook Up is still on. That's a good thing. I am still very newrvous about possibly getting to meet Mr. Hadary though. Seems liek everything I can think of saying seems too creepy, hehe.

But as I also said in my title, I'm heading into another broke spell $$ wise. I have to pay my half of the $800+ for URI, and then with my regular bills and a few extra payments this month (got stuff dry cleaned that really needed it, bought pants at Express [really needed them], have to pay my membership dues to the RI Labor History Society [don't NEED to, but I want to. Besdies the fact that my professor hand wrote at the bottom of my sheet Erica-- Time to renew! Professor Molloy I think I should proabbly do so, heh O_o]) I'm only fgoing to have abour $200 left in the bank. I hate when this happens, cuiz then I can only pay the minium on my bills and then THEY keep on adding up, plus interest, and it's all a big pain. I think this happened last year too, and it took me a damn long while till I was able to pay everything off-- actually, it may have been the $800 from URI that enabled me to do so. Dammit. :p

So yeah, that's about it. I finally finished my Jehovah's Witnesses paper, except for one tiny part in the bibliogeraphy. Tomorrow I'll go over the whole thing and recheck footnotes and stuff. It's due on Weds. and then I have ot give a short presentation next week. Nothing formal.

Alright, til then I'll be kicking back with the last of the beers and being sad cuz I don't have Toasty to make fun of anymore, haha.

Stupid Blog >:(

Okay, I didn't mean to seem like a dumb ass and post two entries on the ticket thing. When I tried publishing my first entry this morning, Blogger said there was an error and it wasn't published at all. Apparently it was. Grrr.

Cuz My Life is WONDERFUL

Yeah, today's major event really made MY day great.

Long-ish story short: I lost the tickets for All Shook Up (aka the show Rich and I are supposed to see on Broadway on Saturday).

I have NO idea what happened to them. Besides combing through all my drawers, my closets, and various books and notebooks (you never know), I also checked the garbage cans and the paper recycling bin.

No sign of them anywhere.

The only other thing that COULD have happened was they got mixed in with my junk mail from earlier in the week and thrown out with last week's trash. That's really the only other option. They are simply not. here.

I majorly freaked out when I discovered this this morning. And then my Mom came in my room and started bothering me, first cuz my room wasn't cleaned (open house was today) and then cuz it was "my fault" for losing the tickets, and then she started going through my stuff even though I TOLD her I had already checked (mostly I didn't want her finding anything. . .weird that could be laying around or in a drawer). Grrr.

I'm also pissed off cuz I seem to remember seeing them not too long ago. Since I didn't want to keep them out on my bookshelf while people were looking at the house, I moved the envelope that contained them to my desk's top drawer. I don't honestly remember taking them out of there-- no reason why I *would.* But I must have, cuz they aren't there. SO. FRUSTRATING.

I'm gonna try calling Ticketmaster tomorrow and find out what they can do. On the website, it seems like their ability to replace lost tickets despends on the event itself and the place (in this case, the theatre) where it's held. I can't see why they would deny me the tickets. I paid for them with my credit card with no problem, and is the Palace Theatre really gonna let 2 seats remain empty just cuz? Hell, I'll even pay shipping fees or whatever again. I got a discount last time through Playbill.com, but I'll pay the difference (between what I paid and the normal price) if that's what it comes down to. I don't care. As a very last resort I'd even accept a refund and we'll just see the show later on. I just don't want to be denied anything at all. Then we'll see the real Ultra-Violent me come out. V_V

No matter WHAT happens with the tickets, Rich and I are still going to the city. It's not like there's nothing else to do there, hehe. Maybe we could even stop by the TKTS booth and see a different show, if worse came to worse. I'm just still so mad cuz I can't believe how my tickets could just DISAPPEAR and I don't know how I couldn't have noticed them when I was throing stuff out.

Fuck.

Better and Better

Now I've discovered that my Broadway tickets are gone. Missing. Disappeared.

They USED to be right on my bookshelf, but because we've had people come to look at the house, I had to move them. I had them right in my top desk drawer, but I went to take them out today to put on my bulletin board, and they weren't there.

No fucking idea where they went.

Destroyed my room looking for them. Looked through every drawer, in every wastebasket, in every notebook (randomly.)

No tickets.

V_V

I guess I'll call Ticketmaster later this week and say that I never received them, but I don't have a good feeling about it. I've heard that Bway shows are notorious about not refunding unless the show itself is cancelled.

I'm apparently never meant to go to NY.

`_`;;;;;;;

You Know You're Messed Up When

you read in a book how punching a pillow is an effective way of dealing with frustration and think "How's that supposed to help? Punching a pillow doesn't hurt."

::blink::

Yes, I'm in a low spot. Very low spot.

I feel like I've regressed so far in the past few weeks it's not even funny. Old behaviors and such.

.