ED-ish Talk; Feel Free to Ignore
I used to write about this stuff in my LB diary but since I rarely, rarely visit that board anymore, I don't have it as an option. So, I gotta write about it here and you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
I am just increasingly frustrated with myself; on the other hand, I still think I have made a mountain out of a molehill. Even after all the digestive weirdnesses I've been having, even after everything else I've gone through probably in some way related to ED-ness, it's still in my mind that it's not that bad overall.
I think it's been over a week since I last purged, but my mind has been after me every single day. I had to be out of the house a few days ago cuz people were looking at it, and though I refuse to buy stuff there, I just went to Wal*Mart to look around. After perusing the makeup and and fish and other random sectons I went to the food and ho-ly, I wanted it all. But it's like, I don't just want it to *eat,* I want it to b/p on. It's a different feeling, but I can't quite explain it in words. Then at work the other day, same thing. I always put away the candy on delivery day, but that's alright since I never b/p on it. The chip section though. . .ggaaaahhh ::drool:: And we have so many good kinds of ice cream, not just B&J's, but King Cones and the Butterfinger bars and so much more. It's horrible; half the time I spend facing, I spend daydreaming about what I could possibly b/p on, even if I don't do it. No wonder why work is such a "dangerous" place! :
I guess I've always been more ED'd in thought than in action. Even today, I went to Sophie's on my way to exchange my books and got a heavenly frosted brownie and a nonfat latte. No problem with that. But over the past hour or so I've been "coming down" from the Espresso and I must admit it's the same kind of feeling as when you haven't eaten for awhile and you get all light-feeling and shaky. And so my mind is like "don't eat lunch; wait til tonight." Of course I DO plan on eating lunch but it's so vexing to have to feel this way. All. The. Time.
And you know, it's so hard to escape it, especially online. I don't hang around ED boards too much anymore, but I lurk at some Broadway ones, a few for Green Day fans, a pagan board and some other random ones. At any given time at LEAST one of them will have an ED thread. Always. So you may say, "Well, just don't read them," but come on. And then, based on reading those types of threads, it seems like everyone in the WORLD has an ED, *had* an ED, or knows someone who does. It's depressing. And it makes it feel like it's more normal to be weird about food than to not care. I guess I'm more easily triggered than I thought.
I do sometimes wonder if it'll ever really be "over." I'm starting to doubt that it's possible to recover 100%, which *I* believe means being normal in behavior and with one's thoughts and attitudes.
Well, anyway. It's just about time to wash the bleach out of my hair and then eat lunch. On a brighter note, Rich and I are going to a small get together at my friend Jen's house in Burrilville (sp?) tonight. She's one of the lucky people that URI actually let graduate (remind me to recap the summer class situation later). :p Then tomorrow is Rich's brother's graduation from JWU and it seems I've been included in the group that's going. . .at least for the lunch part of it, haha. Sunday I took off from work with the intention of going to URI's graduation, but it's not supposed to be a nice day and it's doubtful that I will. There's also a horse show in Foster that I may spend some time at instead. Horses or boring graduation ceremony? Even if I *was* set to graduate now, I think I'd choose the former, hehe.
Okay, I'm out.
I am just increasingly frustrated with myself; on the other hand, I still think I have made a mountain out of a molehill. Even after all the digestive weirdnesses I've been having, even after everything else I've gone through probably in some way related to ED-ness, it's still in my mind that it's not that bad overall.
I think it's been over a week since I last purged, but my mind has been after me every single day. I had to be out of the house a few days ago cuz people were looking at it, and though I refuse to buy stuff there, I just went to Wal*Mart to look around. After perusing the makeup and and fish and other random sectons I went to the food and ho-ly, I wanted it all. But it's like, I don't just want it to *eat,* I want it to b/p on. It's a different feeling, but I can't quite explain it in words. Then at work the other day, same thing. I always put away the candy on delivery day, but that's alright since I never b/p on it. The chip section though. . .ggaaaahhh ::drool:: And we have so many good kinds of ice cream, not just B&J's, but King Cones and the Butterfinger bars and so much more. It's horrible; half the time I spend facing, I spend daydreaming about what I could possibly b/p on, even if I don't do it. No wonder why work is such a "dangerous" place! :
I guess I've always been more ED'd in thought than in action. Even today, I went to Sophie's on my way to exchange my books and got a heavenly frosted brownie and a nonfat latte. No problem with that. But over the past hour or so I've been "coming down" from the Espresso and I must admit it's the same kind of feeling as when you haven't eaten for awhile and you get all light-feeling and shaky. And so my mind is like "don't eat lunch; wait til tonight." Of course I DO plan on eating lunch but it's so vexing to have to feel this way. All. The. Time.
And you know, it's so hard to escape it, especially online. I don't hang around ED boards too much anymore, but I lurk at some Broadway ones, a few for Green Day fans, a pagan board and some other random ones. At any given time at LEAST one of them will have an ED thread. Always. So you may say, "Well, just don't read them," but come on. And then, based on reading those types of threads, it seems like everyone in the WORLD has an ED, *had* an ED, or knows someone who does. It's depressing. And it makes it feel like it's more normal to be weird about food than to not care. I guess I'm more easily triggered than I thought.
I do sometimes wonder if it'll ever really be "over." I'm starting to doubt that it's possible to recover 100%, which *I* believe means being normal in behavior and with one's thoughts and attitudes.
Well, anyway. It's just about time to wash the bleach out of my hair and then eat lunch. On a brighter note, Rich and I are going to a small get together at my friend Jen's house in Burrilville (sp?) tonight. She's one of the lucky people that URI actually let graduate (remind me to recap the summer class situation later). :p Then tomorrow is Rich's brother's graduation from JWU and it seems I've been included in the group that's going. . .at least for the lunch part of it, haha. Sunday I took off from work with the intention of going to URI's graduation, but it's not supposed to be a nice day and it's doubtful that I will. There's also a horse show in Foster that I may spend some time at instead. Horses or boring graduation ceremony? Even if I *was* set to graduate now, I think I'd choose the former, hehe.
Okay, I'm out.
posted by Erica at 11:57 AM
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